I only recently started posting and reading on the D/D board, so many of you may not know my story. Here's the Reader's Digest version before I ask for specific help:<p>My X and I married in ‘84. I was 30, she 28. She had previously married her high school sweetheart and that marriage died a rather quick death and she was just about divorced when we met in 1981.<p>We had our first boy in ‘88 and we had trouble transitioning from the fun-loving, carefree lifestyle to parenthood, although probably not unlike many other new parents. Our second son was born in ‘91. By that time she was 100% mother and almost 0% wife. In hindsight, I was foolish for not seeking help in resolving what I felt was a degrading relationship. Nonetheless, we were admired as parents and as a family. Our careers progressed.<p>In late ‘93, three weeks before his third birthday, our youngest son was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, a relatively common childhood cancer. We went into full battle mode to fight his disease. Needless to say, this became our top priority and all else - including our relationship - took a back seat to caring for both our boys. The details aren't important, but we lost our battle and our youngest son died in Aug. ‘99.<p>We had many family and non-family supporters during our son's ordeal, including most of our neighbors and community. Among these was a family right up the street with three kids whom became our closest supporters and cheerleaders. My boys and their kids were best friends. Their dad and middle child were pallbearers in our son's funeral.<p>You can see where this is going. About ten months after our son died, my wife's affair with this family's Dad began (5/00). It was torrid and almost immediately identified independently by the other wife and I. They were completely reckless and seemed oblivious to the world around them. It was during this time that I made the alien abductee analogy to describe WS behavior. In hindsight, and supported by my grief counselor (although without direct examination), my W appeared to be seeking surrogate children to replace her loss in the form of the other family's kids and using an alliance with OM to accomplish this. OM jumped at the "offer", seeing an opportunity for a "trophy" woman and they both moved out within a few months to live in apartments near each other, all the while denying an affair. He was/is too arrogant to see the underlying factors driving my X's behavior. Not surprisingly, the other three kids rebuffed my W. <p>I found MB in Sept. 00 - about four months into the affair, but after separation - and discovered I had been doing a passable Plan A. OM's W became a complete basket case and to this day has been unable to implement MB principles - or any other approach other than ranting and raving. Independent of the potential complexity of causes, Steve H. deemed this a "classic" affair. <p>You can see the rest of the sequence in my sig line. My X had one session with Steve H. early on, but refused any additional counseling. She exhibited only minor waffling and, as recognized by one of her sisters, seemed hellbent on divorce from the git-go. My X and I share 50/50 custody of our surviving son. OM and W are nearing divorce. His oldest two children have all but disowned him and he remains defiant towards them.<p>Fast forward to now. <p>My current strife is trying to handle the inevitable, increasing involvement of OM in my surviving son's life. Just yesterday, instead of asking me or my au pair to pick up our son from school due to her conflict and bring him to his baseball game (where I was waiting as an assistant Coach), my X asked OM to do this. This in-your-face preference of my X's really got to me. Intellectually, I know, I know, I know - there is nothing I can do to prevent this and I know that OM does not represent a physical threat to my son. (My son has been effectively brainwashed by my X to see nothing wrong with the whole mess - he believes that I forced my X to divorce me by being a poor husband and OM was forced to divorce his W because of the way his W treated my X. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) Rather, my struggle is an emotional one. I have a lot of difficulty stomaching this scumbag having any opportunity to influence or care for my son - especially since my son already has a warped sense of recent history. Add to that my son's continuing challenge dealing with his brother's death (He is in weekly counseling).<p>I would appreciate any recommended reading or advice on the topic of children of divorce that relates somewhat to my situation and any advice on how to deal with my emotional disgust of OM's involvement in my son's life. I am progressing with my personal recovery from infidelity thanks in large part to MB and the friends I have here.

WAT,<p>Wow...you've had a lot on your plate to deal with.<p>All I can say is, while you will never enjoy the presence of OM in your son's life...you will be able to handle it with less stress over time. My ex married his OW 6 weeks after our divorce...we will be divorced one year in May. They bought a house a block and 1/2 from me.<p>This woman is essentially trailer trash and it galled me to no end to have her show up at ballgames or in the grocery store with MY children in tow.<p>I do not speak with her. I refuse to deal with her. She is a nonentity in my life. If she drops my children off somewhere that I am at...I consider her a taxi driver and nothing else...I do not give her power in my life. That is the best I can do. My children are smart, they know what happened and how. I tell them THEY have to find a way to deal with her because she lives in their dad's house...but I do NOT have to deal with her and I don't. Any communication is between their father and I. I don't even go to the door of their home because it disgusts me. I honk and the kids come out. No interaction between OW and myself works best.<p>You will have to find this same kind of balance for yourself eventually.<p>I should mention while I have put up with this situtation for almost two years now...I am moving away in 2 1/2 months. I need to live in a city where I am not constantly having to scan parking lots to avoid running into my ex and his wife (we live in a small town currently). <p>It will get to be tolerable...but you will never be free of the disgust, I think.<p>Lisa

Dave,<p>Let it go. Live your life in a way that is consistant with your morals. Set a good example for your son. Don't worry about the OM or your xW.<p>Easy to say---hard to do. You need to forgive them, and move on.

I notice that no one has told you HOW to handle this problem better. I don’t know if I can help with that, either. But I’d like to describe my experience as a child of divorce 30 years ago. My mother left my father for another man (I know that now – didn’t know it then). My dad did not handle it well. Occasionally, police had to be called. But that was the extreme. The normal circumstance was just that my dad would regularly express his complete disgust for the other man in very ugly language and tone. I can’t tell you how uncomfortable his remarks made me. Not simply because I felt pulled in different directions. But also because that nasty tone and language was just too “adult” for me. It taught me to fear being open with my father about certain topics, in order to avoid “getting him started.” <p>How can you be more accepting of this man’s presence in your son’s life? I don’t know. But please do whatever you can so your son will not feel put in the middle. I imagine you blame your wife for making him feel that way, and you’re probably right. But whatever you can do to alleviate the feeling, do it. I’m not saying you have to be friends with the guy. But talk with your son and tell him it’s ok with you that this other man is in his life (yes, lie). Reassure him that you’ll always be his father and have no fear of being replaced. Be very careful not to make your son feel he is betraying you by things that are beyond his control. I know it has never entered your mind that you son is betraying you. And he probably wouldn’t articulate it that way either. But I can remember feeling disloyal for so many things that were completely out of control. I think that if my dad had just let go of the anger (or hidden it from me) and instead told me he was fine with what was going on, I would have been better off. <p>How to say those things without exploding? I’m sorry, but I don’t know.

I think I am going to be sick. No one should EVER LIE to their children.

WAT,
I know exactly what you are going through. I went through the same exact feelings. My x kept trying to ram the om down the kids throats from day one. I had words with him the first time when I caught them lying about him being around the kids. The second time I almost got arrested when I confronted her after work when my son told me that was om was around the nite before when they were there.<p>The third time, I could have been arrested again, as I physically removed my x from my house when I asked x to watch kids while I was away on a business trip. She initially said she would, but then forgot and said om could watch the kids.<p>I realized that things were getting worse for me, as I was getting angrier and angrier at x about om being around the kids.<p>I was counseling with a minister and he asked me what kind of life did I want my kids to have when they were at their mothers when she married the om, which she did? Did I want them to be afraid, uncomfortable, filled with hate, to not have a relationship with their mother?<p>I said no, I wanted the kids to have a "regular" relationship with their mother and not to have turmoil in their life.<p>HE asked me if I realistically though om was going to hurt my kids. I had to admit deep down, no I did not.<p>He said that I then had to accept that om was going to be around my kids. They are old enough to know who their father is (my s is 11, my d is 14) and that he is not replacing me as their father.<p>I realized that he was right. X started doing better job of keeping her word to me. Last fall when I went on a week long business trip, she actually took vacation.<p>My son talks about om/h and it hurts, but I don't want my son tho think there are subjects he can't talk to me about so I bite my tongue and let him talk. My d doesn't mention his name.<p>Now, if you read my thread, it looks like this will no longer be a problem. I suppose I will have a problem if she starts bring new om around, but that's predicting the future and I am trying not to do that.<p>I never was friends with om. I did acknowledge him last year at a soccer game as he was eyeballing me, but that has been it. I was wondering how I would handle things in the future when kids are graduating and getting awards and the parents are there, if she would have om there too or not. Now none of that matters.<p>You can do this WAT, it isn't easy and it isn't fun, but if it is in the best interest of you son, then you have to do it.<p>Hang in,<p>Bob

First, please let me tell you how sorry I am about your son and for what you are going through right now.<p>Pretty soon I will have to deal with my 2 sons meeting the OW. It sickens me to think that they will have to be around her. I personally feel that she didn't care about them when she was sleeping with their father...what is going to change now??? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] My H is clueless as to how his actions have changed his kids. He just doesn't get the fact that they have lost respect for him. They want nothing to do with this woman. I have tried in different ways to tell them that you will meet her because she is living with D and that things will be ok. My kids are almost 18 an 14. They are old enough to make these decisions. I suggested that they instead of me....they go to the soccer tournament with D this summer. Explained that it would be fun...I have school....gave them lots of excuses, so they can feel good about it. I told them that this would be a great time to be with D. They said "NO WAY". I will not force them. <p>YOu know what??? She doesn't deserve my great kids. HEck...my H doesn't deserve them lately either. You know what??? She has a 7yr old. He is spending all sorts of time with him while his kids are home...missing Dad.<p>I rambled...I know....you just got me thinking and then it all started to come out. I don't know how I am going to handle it. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I know that I do not want to ever deal with her. I don't want to even see her. <p>It seems like your wife kind of rubbed it in your face. That stinks. Did you say to her (nicely of course [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) that you could have gotten your son? Maybe you can work something out that she checks with you first, to see if your available. This way you have more time to spend with him. It's worth a try. My H only sees my 14 yr old if he drives him to a practice. It's really quite pitiful.<p>I know I didn't help very much----but I do know exactly what you are feeling.
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MAX

Dave,<p>no advice (sorry back to little letters, too lazy to use caps)<p>I think it must be worse when you know the om & I still find it hard to believe your son, accepts the situtation<p>mine are, I don't know the word, I have told them it is alright if they like the tramp (they know I don't want them to do so but I will live). I thought they were liking her some but it seems the more they are around her the less they like her & I think she is less tolerant of them. <p>i'm already worring about graduation next yr. I can deal with the tramp as long as I don't see her, or have to have any dealing with her.<p>good luck<p>btw I enjoyed your dog story over the wkend. i tried to post but my computer crashed, big time, have them up & running again now<p>I guess the LB fairie could come out of hiding & talk , remove or something to om, I see some of that dog poop & the om [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

Hey WAT,<p>Been there, lived through that. Living trough that.<p>My mother married the OM.<p>As a child, caught up in all of that, I can only offer this advice. Do everything you can to be a great dad. Never say anything bad about the OM and your X to your child. My father did these simple things. I know my father is not perfect, but I completely respect him as a dad. I have absolutely no respect for my now deceased mother as a mom.<p>Kids are smart, very smart. It may take until adulthood before they can understand the dynamics of what went on. As kids, they do not understand the concept of adultery, but they have great memories and will piece it all together in time.<p>My XW is to marry the OM in September.<p>Yes, it turns my stomach to hear his name come out of my d's mouth, but there is little I can do about it. I did speak to his XW and she said that he never treated her kids badly. He has no criminal record. I do take some relief knowing that. I guess it is up to me to teach my daughter morals, but that has always been my job.<p>So, the only thing you and I are left with to solve this problem is TIME.<p>Time for the alien abduction to end.
Time for our kids to see the truth.
Time for our kids to see how great of parents we are.
Time for the cheating Xs relationships to crumble.
Time for our Xs to look back and wonder what they were thinking.<p>As far as the OM is concerned. My step-dad spent considerable time with my brother and me, far more than our mother, who basically considered us in her words "self-raised". He was wierd and was a jerk, though I know he only wanted the best for us. He carried the weight of the household. I think the only reason that he stayed with my mother (marriage was dead after first year) was because of us boys.<p>I know that it was not a home. I had an empty childhood. Still, it would have been far worse if left to be only with our selfish, miserable mother.<p>To this day, I neither hate, nor wish to see the OM, my step-dad.<p>It's all about time. Just let it all play out.<p>Just like affairs of a spouse, this is one of those times when doing nothing is doing everything.<p>Kevin

WAT,<p>Your words have often helped me, and allthough I am not in the position you are in, maybe a book I have read will help you. In reading some of the posts, it seems that all you can work on is yourself and your actions in this situation, that really seems to be a recurrent theme, huh?<p>The book I read is "The 10 Greatest Gifts to Give My Children, Parenting from the Heart" by Steven Vannoy. He is divorced, doesn't speak to your situation, but his insights into parenting are really good. Also, in the book he refers to much of what I am learning in counseling so it for me has been a good extension to practice what I am learning all around. Hope that this helps!<p>Can't imagine seeing the OW (who also was a close friend?!?) with my children, so my prayers are with you. Sometimes the high road is really rough and less traveled, but WORTH IT!!!!

WAT - It seems like we're all going through this at the same time.<p>We're not even divroced but WH lives with OW and takes the kids around her everytimes he has them - WH sees nothing wrong with that. Unfortunaely it's still in the fantasy stage as OW buys them gifts and every moment is a fun one because the relationshp is new. However, you've gotten some good advice here - that I will be trying to follow too. <p>You have to not say anything bad about the OP. My kids want to find someone to blame for WH leaving and I'm it because I'm the only one who looks sad about this whole thing and the kids - like their father don't want to face the negative emotions. Now hopefully their emotions will come out in counseling instead of being bottled up and turning into something destructive.<p>I just have to wait until reality sets in - when OW starts to discipline them, and when the OW and WH's kids start to fight and get jealous of each other. Then I'll have to be there for moral support for my kids because they will feel betrayed that OW was so nice and now is not.<p>The fog is deadly - just yesterday I talked with WH and he still sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. Doesn't think the kids are hurting by OW around. He says it's my fault that others are hurting because I talk about what is happening with my friends and family. He's so delusional still.<p>Now I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure my relaitonship with my kids is the best it can be despite WH's bad acts. It wil be tough, but I think in the long run with help and advice from counselors, parenting books, support of family and lots of prayer things will work out.<p>Unfortunately, you have to work around the bad things the WS does. It's not fair, I know, but I have to believe that God will get me through this too.<p>K

Dave,<p>WE do not get to choose all of the people our children will be exposed to in life. The best thing you can do is to try as best as you can to accept this man into your son's life, for your SON'S own sake. Life will be easier for your son if he doesn't have the added pressure of knowing how much you disapprove of the OM interacting with him. Kids often feel that they have to "choose" one parent over the other. It is really unfair to the kids. Keep things low key until you can get to the point of acceptance, so your son will have less to deal with.<p>You are doing great despite these many challenges. This is just another hurdle for you, but you CAN overcome this. Focus on positive things and continue to move your life forward as much as you can each and every day.<p>God bless, Desiree

Dave,<p>I do know the disgust of which you speak...I started to hate the effect that thinking about OW with my kids had on me. <p>I hated it so much I decided to try something radical. A couple of months after the divorce was final, I wrote to her. I thanked her for having the kids at her place for the weekend w/ex-H and told her that the kids had fun. I shared that it was still very awkward and painful at times to see her and acknowledge her and ex-H's relationship, but that I expected this would change with time. And I shared that in the meantime, the kids were my primary concern, and I appreciated the efforts she was making to smooth the transition for them.<p>In effect Dave, I let it go. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, and in so doing I found forgiveness and some peace.<p>And you know what? She wrote back. and apologized for the person she was and her values 4 years ago. She apologized for ever interfering in my marriage and said she was wrong - while acknowledging that she didn't expect me to forgive her. She thanked me for trusting her with my children and vowed to be a more positive influence in the future. She even shared that the guilt and embarrassment she carried around sometimes tainted her and ex-H's relationship. <p>So I don't know if she was sincere Dave. At some level I don't care. But what did change is I began to look at her as a fallible human - and I began to no longer feel threatened by her. And as a result my bitterness is rapidly fading - and most importantly my kids aren't exposed to continued conflict and aren't being put in the middle. I can see her now when ex-H comes to pick up the kids without seething. If the kids leave something at her place, I send her an e-mail and she offers to drop it off. In short, relations are civil and businesslike. And I know I am doing what is best for my children. And it turns out to be good for me too. I'm no longer a victim - and it feels terrific.<p>Good luck with your continued healing,
Starpony

Wow, these are terrific responses and they are very helpful. Thank you all very much.<p>I expect time to work its wonders<p>Thanks again,
WAT

Rollaway said,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>WE do not get to choose all of the people our children will be exposed to in life<hr></blockquote><p>Except in a divorce-related situation, we DO get to choose all of the people our children will be exposed to during their childhood - at least exposed to more than once. If someone is a bad influence, or treats our children badly, we, as responsible parents, would not allow that relationship to continue. If your child's coach, or teacher, or uncle, was deceitful, flaunted an illicit relationship in front of the kids, and made it obvious that he or she deeply resented their very existence, would you not remove your children from that situation? <p>Starpony said that the OW <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>apologized for the person she was and her values 4 years ago.<hr></blockquote><p>But if she is still continuing the relationship, then she still IS that person now. If a thief stole your life savings, and later apologized and said he was wrong, would you believe he was sincere if he continued to live off the money? Their relationship will always be illicit. <p>It is a parent's responsibility to teach their children right from wrong - and not pointing out when someone is doing something immoral is irresponsible. I am not going to "accept" or "acknowledge" an illicit relationship. I do not want my children to grow up to be the kind of person that turns a blind eye to things that are wrong. I don't want them to "accept" their friends' infidelity, or drug use, or cheating on their income taxes. It may be easier to pretend that everything is hunky-dory, but from a societal standpoint, "accepting" wrongdoing is no better than doing wrong yourself. <p>I would not keep my children from seeing their father. It is the OW who allows my children to visit only rarely because they "disturb the atmosphere" in her condo. They do not feel they have to choose between their parents. They know it is fine that they love their father; of course I expect that they would - after all I love him too. You don't stop loving someone because they do something wrong - but that doesn't mean you should support them in doing it. <p>I have no conflict with the OW - I have never seen her and have absolutely no contact with her.

Nellie,<p>You paint a pretty black/white line, with no room for forgiveness.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"accepting" wrongdoing is no better than doing wrong yourself<hr></blockquote><p>If your husband wanted to come back to the marriage (and assuming that you still love him), could you "accept" him?

Absolutely, if he ended the relationship with the OW and demonstrated remorse. <p>Forgiveness of the OW might be appropriate under the same conditions - but true remorsefulness can not co-exist with the continuance of the affair. As was discussed in a thread a couple of weeks ago, remorsefulness requires that the party who has done something for which he or she is remorseful do whatever they can to make amends - and that would include ending the illicit relationship.

Nellie (and WAT),<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>It may be easier to pretend that everything is hunky-dory, but from a societal standpoint, "accepting" wrongdoing is no better than doing wrong yourself. <hr></blockquote><p>I disagree that what I am doing is supporting wrongdoing. I am supporting my children. And in fact I would disagree that the "easy" way is to pretend everything is "hunky-dory" as you say - what is easy is to remain rigid and bitter. If your children truly feel no conflict then you must have done an amazing job of hiding from them the seething bitterness you continue to display here. And if you have managed to do this, you are a far better actor than I am.<p>Children learn mainly by example through actions in my view. Not by lectures and moralizing or by parents pointing out all the wrong-doing of others. These things are important but they are not the core of moral teaching. My main responsibility to my children is to live my values. I think your point of view is quite heavy on the moral responsibility side, but very light on seeing things through your children's eyes. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Forgiveness of the OW might be appropriate under the same conditions - but true remorsefulness can not co-exist with the continuance of the affair. As was discussed in a thread a couple of weeks ago, remorsefulness requires that the party who has done something for which he or she is remorseful do whatever they can to make ammends - and that would include ending the illicit relationship.<hr></blockquote> <p>I read something - a book on forgiveness by Gary Smedes that was immensely helpful to me. And allowed me to see that remorse on the part of the "wrong-doer" is not necessary for the "wronged party" to achieve forgiveness AND MOVE ON WITH HER LIFE.<p>That's what I want for me and my children. Nellie, this isn't at all this about the OW and whether or not I believe she is sincere. It is about letting go of the power I had given her to disrupt my life. It is about my life and the lives of my children, and our ability to craft new, positive and productive existences. That's what I'm talking about.<p>Best wishes,
Starpony

Starpony,<p>I wholeheartedly agree with you. Forgiveness is in the power of each and every person - to release the hurt and anger - without the other person having to do a single thing. I agree that by the act of forgiveness, we once again take control and responsibility of our lives and our own happiness. My heart believes that it is better for the children when we accept that although things did not turn out the way we had wanted and hoped, we can move forward with our own lives.<p>A person does not have to bless and support that their wayward ex-spouse has moved on - just accept the situation and try to move on to find his/her own personal happiness and peace, again. NO ONE is perfect - no one does 100% right things 100% of the time. We each have our own faults and commit sins. Yes, the WS has wronged us and we have been mightily hurt. Yet, bitterness and finger-pointing won't restore broken marriages and in the end only serve to destroy the finger-pointer and further hurt those around them.<p>I stand by my belief that Dave and his son will be better served in the long run by Dave's acceptance of his exW's OM. Animosity between them will not restore his marriage or bring any peace and happiness to his son or to himself.<p>Wishing each of us peace, Desiree

A long time ago, on another message board, the discussion of forgiveness came up - and one of the Christians on the board said to me, "Even Jesus was not willing to forgive non-repentant sinners." Forgiveness is completely meaningless when there is no repentance. That doesn't mean you have to dwell on the fact that you were wronged all the time, and I don't - but trying to bury one's anger at the person who took part in destroying your family is neither healthy nor possible. It will come out someday, somehow. Anger is a healthy emotion - trying to convince yourself that you are not angry when you are, or feeling guilty about being angry - that is what leads to depression. <p>Yes, children do learn from your example - and if everyone, including their mothers, acts like there is nothing wrong with adultery, then we will raise a generation of young adults who think marriage is disposable - actually that has what has happened in the current generation. <p>Carrying on an affair, whether or not the person later divorced, is not merely a "mistake." A person engaged in such behavior is NOT a good person. Would you feel any differently if your ex-spouse had married a drug addict or a thief or a mafia hitman? Except for the fact that those careers might put your children in physical jeopardy, this is no different. <p>K said in a post on general questions that he was willing to bet $10,000 that Hailey's relationship with a MM who was supposedly divorcing in order to be with her would not last 10 years. Somehow WAT is supposed to "accept" the OM and there is supposedly no problem with his son becoming close to a man who most likely will be out of his life in a few years. Does WAT's son really need still more loss in his life? <p>I can not imagine why any child would want their parents to pretend. In a much more minor matter, my mother pretended she didn't mind taking me to feed the pigeons when in fact she was deathly afraid of them. When I was older and discovered that, did I feel grateful that she had done that for me? - no, absolutely not. Even though I knew she thought she was doing something to benefit me, I felt slightly betrayed, because she had lied (by omission) to me. <p>My son said once that there is almost nothing worse that parents can do than lie to their children. Lying by omission is as bad as lying by commission. Children do not want to be treated like mushrooms. Children do not want people to pretend everything is all right when it is not. Children, at least my children, do NOT seek or need conflict avoidance at all costs - what they do seek and need is honesty and openness. <p>I don't believe for a minute that anyone here feels anything approaching neutral toward the OP. I don't believe for a minute that anyone is really ok with their spouse or ex-spouse's relationship with the OW. I think virtually everyone here would in reality be pleased if the relationship were to blow up. <p>Those who say that the OW is "good" to their children are, for the most part, mistaken to say the least. Few, if any, OP's like the children of their affair partner - most resent their very existence and would prefer that they disappear, because they are vestiges of the WS's former life. Many do their best to prevent the WS from seeing their children on a regular basis. I doubt that more than a tiny number would even claim to love their step-children. A non-trivial percentage of step-parents go so far as to harm or even kill the step-children - the risk of being murdered by a step-parent, especially a male one, is many times that of being murdered by a parent.