In Feb. my husband told me he wanted a divorce and had just started seeing someone. We have been married 6 years and had a great marriage (no kids of our own) until his adopted 13 yr old son came to live with us 1 1/2 yrs ago. His son had committed arson, burglarly, uses drugs, etc. while with us. It has been very stressful and I begged my husband to get him intensive treatment. He has turned a blind eye and thinks he can straighten his son out by finding the right mother.<p>In Feb., my husband insisted I see an atty. and even paid the retainer fee of $4,000.00. I begged him for marriage counseling but he said his mind was made up he had found someone to "help him raise his son". We separated and he immediately moved his girlfriend into his house My husband and I had worked together (he is an atty. and I am paralegal; I am now working in another law firm) and this woman was a client. He had just gotten involved with her two weeks previously when she came in concerning her bankruptcy and foreclosure. I have since heard that there are problems with their relationship especially concerning the children. She has 2 teenagers. My husband's son is up to his usual tricks and told someone that he hates this new woman, has cussed her out several times and likes me better. <p>I have not pursued the divorce and neither has my husband. I have only done the preliminary work (financial affidavit, etc.) My husband will not speak to me and I have not contacted him. I believe he feels some guilt and does not want to communicate with me. Could this be a correct assumption? I really want to try and work things out but am operating under Plan B of no contact. Should I keep doing this and under no circumstances contact him? Additionally, we had talked in the past about alternatives for his son, i.e. residential care, living with other family members, boarding schools, etc. He knows that I am frightened of his son. I believe this relationship with his girlfriend is a need/need basis for both parties. He wanted a babysitter for his delinquent son and she needs a home and money. What are the chances of this relationship surviving? Especially in light that he had gotten involved so fast and moved her in.
I would like to know everyone's thoughts. How long do affairs generally last and should I hold out hope of his contacting me? I am trying to move on with my life but am still very much in love with my husband. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.<p>Thank you.

I don't think there is hope for a real recovery of this marriage until your husband comes out of the 'fog'. He is having trouble accepting responsibility for his son and making the son accountable for his actions by placing the responsibility/blame on the 'wife of the week'. <p>As an attorney, is it ethical for him to be shacking up with a client? I mean, does the Bar view this negatively? I'm not recommending contacting the Bar but it's something I'm curious about.<p>I would suggest that you read this site from front to back and over again. There's loads of wisdom here and I think it can help you immensely.<p>As for your question: will this last? I personally don't think so. As for your subject line: Any hope he will come back? I would say that yes, he will come back...but will you take him back unless he gets counseling for himself and his son. They both seem to have responsibility avoidance problems and immature behavior problems. I think he should have to earn your trust back.

From what I've read and heard, boys usually act up because they have no father, it isn't the mother that's the problem.<p>I would imagine he will try to come back as if problems are arising already, then the g/f will probably bail on him.<p>Maybe that will snap him back into reality.

Have you read SAA (Surviving an Affair) by Harley? It should answer alot of your questions. ALso please read the info. on this site.<p>This will help you decide whether to do a Plan A or Plan B. The basis of thses plans is to help you become a better person, help you have a better relationship and figure out the most comfortable way to act while ou are waiting for the affair to end. <p>You will also need to read about the four rules of recovery if your H does return because you will need to implement them for a successful recovery.<p>Make sure you have a support system to help you through this rough time right now and it's ok to see a counselor to help you through this too.<p>K

I thought of your ss when I flipped back over this post.<p>Yesterday here in Dallas, a 15 yr old girl and her 10 year old brother stabbed and suffocated their 6 yr old brother and buried him in a shallow grave in the woods close to their home. <p>The parents had ignored referrals for the girl to get therapy. Bet they wish they had listened today. <p>btw, she also set the school on fire in 1998...

Fingers,
This is just an observation. Did your H adopt this child at 13?, did he have his son since birth? I ask because you refered to him "as his adopted son" and not his "son". This could be part of the problem. Teens have a hard enough time adapting to the teen years, they are constantly trying to feel they "belong" somewhere (even bio kids feel this way). If he is hearing "adopted son" of course he feels like he has no place, and will act out. And on top of it the suggestions to "get rid" of him keep coming up? ie boarding school? residental therapy etc..
I can see where H does not think you can handle his son. Not that I think you have not been a good mother to him. It is obvious this child has had ALOT of rejection in his life (placed for adoption/ or bio mom giving him to adopted father)
then daddy's wife wants to have him in boarding school or worse. Kids are very smart, even though these conversations may not have been in front of him, THEY know. They will act out.
It would have been better to suggest outpatient FAMILY therapy, and even when he fights keep showing a strong united front for him show him love and patience.
I have an adopted nephew, I see the pain in his eyes at family functions. I always make him feel special, and loved. His father family cant accept him (because why? they are genetic wonders [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ). He and I have talked (he is 12), he opens up. He admits to getting into trouble because it is what he thinks is expected of him. I talk to him just about being responsible for his life, and what will outcome of his behavior. He is a GREAT kid, just confused and misguided with alot of insecruties, not unlike all teens.
Your stepson has problems, I believe if he felt loved, wanted and secure there would be a change in his behavior. Unless of course he has been diagnoised with biological issues such as Schzophenia(sp) or manic depression etc which he should be on medicine which would also show a change in his behavior. he sounds like a normal is just a normal teen SCREAMING for attention. It is unfortuante that his dad added to the confusion with a new relationship.
But, I do kinda agree with you H. You said yourself you were afraid and could not handle his son (adopted or not he is his son). Frankly, if my H wanted me to send my child away, and I did not feel it was the right thing to do. I would leave. I would not move in with someone new, that was a dumb move.
I worked as a volunteer in our court system to protect the rights of kids. That is why I am so strongly opinionated (sp) on this.
Those examples, used by other posters of children killing other children, and burning houses down. Are very rare (and I am in a VERY large populated county). Those children usually come from serious neglect and abusive situations (physical,emotional, and sexual). You will rarely hear of a situation that the child,just decided to burn something down for the "fun of it" and comes from a somewhat stable family. We usually discover that in that "stable family" Daddy tells them daily that they are worthless, and beats the mom (all in private of course).
I am one that believes that all kids are basically good. We as parents screw them up, then we are the first to say " but I did the best I could". It is our responsiblity to fix it (not yours if he is your step child) but if you want to be married to his dad, you have to work HARD and do the right thing by the child. Sending him away to have someone else deal with it is what is wrong with today's society This is just a real issue with me. I did not mean to offend anyone.
Kids are molds, we shape them. It is not a part-time job, it is a full time job. And if somewhere we messed up we have to work harder to fix it
JMHO