I have been married for 1 1/2 years. Now that I look back I wish I would have seen some of the signs that were there but I didn't I am not sure if I belong in this board or not. I have never been hit and he doesn't really sream and stuff but I still feel scared of him. Does that make sense. A couple of months into our marriage we were at a Christmas party and he was drinking a bit too much so I suggested we have a cup of coffee before leaving the party to go home. He was very angry by this. He ended up driving over 100 mph all the way home on an expressway. He was racing another car (believe it or not he is 40) and even passed our exit to finish the race. When we got home we got into an argument and by the end I ended up apologizing an I still to this day can't figure out why. He has done this driving thing a couple of more times since then but not in the last 6 months or so but I still am terrified of that. Right at the beginning of the marriage I felt the end coming. A couple of months later he told me he was unhappy and he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore because I had gained weight. I had quit smoking before we were married so that is probably some of the reason for the gain. I was not overweight but chubby (5'4 138 lbs). He didn't speak to me on and off for about three months and he would get mad about real stupid things at that time like I gave $2 too much to a delivery man and he banged on the ground and told me he can't believe he has to put up with someone so stupid. There was other things he got mad about that were stupid also. I lost the weight over last summer and things seemed fine again with him but I shut something off inside towards him and I really don't think I could ever turn it back on. Things go back an forth with us but not like in the beginning but now my problems are just everyday stuff like I have to make dinner everyday no matter what time I get home. I am on an allowance (decided by him) and I don't have an ATM card or anything. He will give me a clothing allowance every once in a while and this year it was $2000 dollars (my bonus at work) so I was very excited but everytime I bought something I would come home and he would be pissy about it even though I hadn't bought anything for myself in about 6 months (last year my total clothing allowance was about $1700). He can spend money whenever he wants and he just bought an expensive sports car and is saving up for another one. I always need permission to spend. By the way we both work full time and makes alot more than me but we have plenty of money, he acts like we are broke. Around Christmas he didn't want to spend very much on my family even though my parents are retired and paid for alot of our wedding which they couldn't really afford. He sent his father a very large amount of money (more than I was ever allowed to spend) to spend and told him to buy whatever he wants. His father has more money than my parents and did not pay for any of our wedding. He did tell me we would do the same for my parents next year. He does let me go out with my friends and that is probably the only good thing with our so called marriage. He actually got mad at me though for the way I get out of bed (it makes his sheets come up). So I guess what I am wondering is 1)Does this sound like abuse? because I sure do feel like it sometimes. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time afraid to make him mad and 2) Is it bad to want to give up so soon? In Oct I asked him if we could get counseling and he said no and I threated to seperate but he talked me out of it the next day. I don't know why I am afraid to stand up to him. He doesn't hit me but those lectures and the silent treatments just drive me crazy so I avoid things just to keep the peace. I really hope someone here can give me some advice and perspective on this. I just bought the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" but I can only read bits and pieces at work since I can't take it home with me so it is taking me a while to get thru it. Sorry this is so long, I really needed to get this all out. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. <P>Also I should mention that my husband is a functional alcholic.<BR>

Yes, it sounds like abuse. No, I don't think wanting to give up on an abusive realtionship is bad...they seldom improve, and usually seem to get worse. The alcoholism would also worry me. <P>While some people with his problems can get help and change, they have to really, really want to. Most of the time they do not. It is good that you do not have children together, which would only complicate everything. I would seriously consider leaving now, if I were in your place.<P>Good luck.<BR>

If your husband's behavior is hurting you emotionally, I wouldn't worry too much about whether to call it abuse or not. If it hurts you, it has to stop. Frankly, being afraid of him makes perfect sense to me.<P>It is not too soon to give up on your marriage, but I strongly recommend counseling for you both. If your husband won't go, go alone. If he tries to stop you, I would take this as an indication that he does not have your best interests at heart. <P>I would also recommend Al-Anon, the support group for the relatives of alcoholics. I agree that your husband is an alcoholic, but I don't know how functional he is. If he treats his wife as he does, I think he is taking another step downward in the progression of the disease.<P>A word of advice. If you do decide to leave, be sure to plan it all out carefully before you actually take the step. Get some money together (an advance on your credit card? cashing a check?), arrange a place to stay, etc. I would even suggest setting up a credit card on your own. And DON'T TELL HIM BEFORE YOU LEAVE. He sounds like a control freak, and these kind of men don't usually react well to losing control over the people in their lives. A word to the wise is sufficient.<P>Good luck. Unless I miss my guess, you may need it before long.<P>

Well that is definitely emotional abuse. I have had a similar relationship before I was married to someone who was also emotionally abusive and over time became controlling as your Husband is. After I left and I stepped away from the situation I realized how horrible a situation it was and the control he gained over me and that I did not deserve that. I was way to close to the relationship to see it, as he turned everything on me and made it my fault, he belittled me and made me feel very bad about myself which in turn made it very easy for him to manipulate and control me and very hard to leave. Thank goodness I had friends who pointed this out to me, supported me and made me realize that I deserved better than that. He didn't realize his problem until I left him. I definitely encourage you to go see a counselor on your own and/or keep posting here - it does help. Emotional abuse can be far more damaging than physical abuse and it is important that you try to gain some control of your situation and your life. I know it is a very hard thing to do as you are so close to the situation and probably don't see all of the control he has over you, you deserve to be treated with respect. You may want to consider stepping away from the relationship for a while to get a clearer perspective of what is going on. Keep posting here, it does help. Let us know how things go.<BR>Good luck<BR> <BR>

Thank you everyone for you advice. I would like to ask another question for any of you who are in counseling. What is it like? What do you do? I am pretty shy with people and I usually won't say anything that could make me cry and I can cry pretty easily. I don't even know if I would be able to talk to one without crying. Do those of you who go cry when you talk to them? Do they ask you questions or do you have to come in and just blurt everything out? As you can probably tell I am really nervous about going to counseling. I know I will have to go by myself because he won't go, I already asked him to. Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me.

In counselling, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. It takes time for trust to build up, and counsellors respect that. Different therapists have different approaches, so some may ask a lot of questions, others may ask you to just talk about whatever -- you will have to see whether it's a good fit for you. I also feel uncomfortable crying in front of other people. I have only let my tears come a couple of times with my counsellor, and she has been wonderful -- focusses on my words, not the fact that I'm crying (but she's very empathetic and caring). Probably your counsellor will ask you why you are there, what is going on with you currently. Some ask about your past, but not all. And you can always say that you're uncomfortable discussing something. A good start might be to acknowledge to the counsellor that you feel shy and a bit nervous about being there! That is VERY normal, especially given your situation at home. Just remember, a good counsellor will not try to force you to do anything that you're uncomfortable with. Over time, you will begin to feel more comfortable with your therapist, and will possibly begin to feel that anything is allowed in that office, nothing is 'bad' -- these fears are something you might even be able to eventually discuss with him/her.

Time for a separation, I think. Most of us tolerate and tolerate until divorce without giving a separation a try. I wish I had separated when I was going through what you are going through now. Separation puts the abusing partner on vivid notice that all is not well. Unless they want to go their own way they will do what needs to be done to win you back. <P>Unfortunately, in my marriage we are on a very slow track and H is not motivated to do much of anything for me, the family or our relationship. I am trying to get up my nerve for some honesty. (H has brutally punished me for every instance of honesty that I ever indulged with him.:mad If we had separated earlier and forced him to earn his family back the right way I wouldn't be so forlorn and withdrawn now.<P>------------------<BR>