I'm just checking in on you. I don't mean to pry, just wanted to make sure you're doing better.<p>Love,
Jo

Hey Jo<p>thanks for thinking about me. <p>I went to the memorial service. It was nerve wrecking being there. When XSIL hugged me she said she could feel my heart beating. All the family were very nice to me. XH was cold. He said hello and when I said I'm sorry for his loss, he was very 'stiff and formal' and so from his body language I did not try to hug him. I immediately turned to speak to somebody else. I do feel for him, but I am upset with him.<p>The news that he is marrying a woman 10 years his senior has really blown me away. He sounds so sure of himself and his decisions. (when a while ago he told me he really doesn't know himself anymore). <p>He spoke about his dad during the service, a talk that lasted 20 minutes, and he included in that a eulogy a lot about himself too, which was torture for me, and I wanted to run out. But I stayed. I left immediately after the service.<p>Love
Pantha

Pantha,<p>I'm glad that you wen't to the service, although
I know it was hard for you to be there..<p>I wish you would have tried to at least hug him..
it's hard for some men to really show those emotions which is why he was probably so stiff..
not sure what to do with all those feelings..and afraid to really cry..(did he cry when he spoke of his father?) <p>You said your ex spoke about himself..did you learn anything about him that you didn't already know?

ThornedRose<p>I too wish I hugged him, but he might have pushed me away - that body language was saying keep your distance.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>did you learn anything about him that you didn't already know? <hr></blockquote>
He said some things that I've heard him say before and some things that I think were pointed at justifying his decisions. Like, he said, "that his dad taught him honesty and that he has been honest even if that hurt people, and some people said he should rather have kept quiet but he didn't and maybe it would have been better if he had..." Now that could be about the affair in Oct 2000, or maybe it wasn't but for me that is what it meant, and it was painful to listen to him say that. Maybe I was just reading too much into it.
What do you think?

Hi Pantha-<p>I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you went to the service. It was the right thing to do and I'm sure your X's family appreciated it. As for the not hugging him who knows, you trusted your instincts and that was the smart thing to do. <p>At my dad's funeral in Dec. my then STBX came mostly to help with the kids. It was obvious he was uncomfortable. He spoke to everyone that let him though and he asked me how everyone was, everyone that is, but me. He never asked how I was or offered a hug or anything. I'm sure he didn't because he already carried enough guilt about things with me and didn't want to know how I felt only to feel more guilt. Anyway, I will never forget it. <p>On the other hand, your X saw you were there, you offered your sympathy, and you stayed when he spoke even though it was difficult for you. These things say a lot about your character. You also survived the day, and no matter how difficult it was you made it. You should be proud of yourself. You are healing and doing things right.<p>As for your X. Of course he is going to say everything is wonderful, but that doesn't mean it is. It has been my experience that when people boast of how wonderful things are, they usually aren't. The happiest, most well off people don't talk about it, they don't have to because it shows. Your X has many issues and is in denial. Don't let the rosey picture he paints of his life to you bring you down. Focus on you and all the good things you are accomplishing.<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Pantha,<p>Thank you for responding back. I haven't been on much in the last couple days. Work is very busy.<p>I agree with K, I think it showed your ex-H what your're made of. Also, what K said is so true, someone doesn't blantantly come out and tout how happy they are, it would just show. <p>If he said he didn't know himself not so long ago, and hasn't done any real self-introspection (counseling, etc.), I wouldn't guess he's all that content and at peace. <p>Marrying the OW may look like his pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, but unless he can be happy on his own for some time, no relationship he gets himself into will fix HIM. <p>I don't believe he had an agenda in his Eulogy Pantha, it sounds like he was stating things that have been on his mind about himself, disappointments of himself.<p>Losing a parent can make you do pretty odd things. When my ex-H lost his mom, he was "out there" for quite some time. He would read "Seth" books and say some pretty damn strange things. He's an abstract thinker anyway, but he got alot worse. Seth books are about deceased people coming thru the living and talking. A bit like the Ramptha thingie that Shirley MacLane was into.<p>Anyways, I hope you're feeling better. I think of you often because we're somewhat going thru the same thing, ex-H's re-marrying.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>