Anyone know where I can find a fogeese interpreter?<p>I keep thinking that, OK, WH says he wants to be civil and talk in person with me about the kids, so I give in and talk to him in person (before using e-mail, third party and attorneys).'<p>What happens...... Yes, you are right. I hear from him something like blah blah blah blah blah blah - I can't remember what Orchid calls it - but whatever words coming from WH's mouth is based in reality.<p>WH just wants to refocus the issues and make sure I'm taking adequate blame for all the psychological problems with the kids. Of course NONE of the way they are thinking and behaving is HIS fault, or maybe it is but he doesn't care.<p>WH is doing everything the divorce books and counselors say DO NOT do with the kids during a divorce, and then he doesn't even want the kids to go to counseling to deal with the consequences of his selfish behavior.<p>Once again tonight we were going to discuss the children and all he really wanted to do was make sure that I received HIS schedule for when he was going to see the kids with some blame about various things added in.<p>He was calling from OW's apartment - probably in bed with her at the time, and her kids were probably in the other room - barf!<p>I keep thinking that he's still in there somewhere and that we can talk abot the children "like adults" as he puts it. However, when we "adults" talk, WH speaks like a child. No adult thoughts at all in that brain of his. He's the one that's angry and acting on it.<p>His version of what is best for the kids is to have someone making minimum wage watch them in day care, just so I have to work at a low paying job that probably just would pay for day care - as long as I go to work and don't get to see them - and this man will be making from $35,000.00-$65,000.00 A MONTH! <p>Right now I have to say he makes me sick. I told him I hope he feels really big telling his doctor friends how the two weeks his ex wife has the kids they are living off of welfare and food stamps because he doesn't want to pay her child support or alimony.<p>And no, he didn't make this much money while we were married, but now that he does, you'd think he wouldn't balk at paying for braces for the kids and things like that. <p>Can I scream here. <p>I can sum up my whole exprience from d-day until now, in the final scene of the Godfather III when Al Pacino's daughter just got shot and he lets out this yell that at first you can't hear - but yet you can feel the pain. I feel like I am the one making that endless scream.<p>One day at a time. One day at a time. I just need to make it through one day at a time.... K

K,
Why are you allowing him the stage?. Your name "God is in Control" says it all. Tell your WH that for sanity sake that your lawyers need to handle all this junk. If you dont allow them to do that, your WH is going to be the only one "in Control". Your divorce is not final, right? File a motion to have a forensic accountant to review alimoney and child support (let the D finalize with the stipulation that the support issue is still at hand).
IF your lawyer KNOWS his income has increased to this magnatude and has not done anything he is at fault for MALPRACTICE. I know that you are an attorney, but you need to STOP being the nice guy here. YOUR H is gone. He has to try to make this work with the OW because at this point he already is a laughing stock (leaving a w and 4 babies, NOT to mention a newborn). <p>K - This is not for you anymore. You need to get tough for your kids. 1) they need their mother with them, not to be in daycare
2) they need Braces, medical ins and college funds
3) Being nice to that Cheating Jerk is only going to make his transition into his new life easier.<p>If his income has increased so much WHY should OW benefit?? Was she there during Med school ?residency?. Did she help W idiot(sorry) with his studies and did she have to go through those alwful cranky nights wondering if he could make it?. COME ON K- Get that money. DO IT NOW. Call your Lawyer if he wont do anything find a new one. a MEAN one. IT IS NOT all about WH anymore, it is about 4 YES 4 children that he chose to father. DO NOT take his calls. Have him go through your lawyer (MIL,parent or priest) ANYONE.
K- IF you dont let him FEEL the results of his actions, how will he ever come out of the fog?
you are making this too easy. Focus on YOU and your kids. You know those kids better than anyone, if you think they need counseling then TELL the court. They will order counseling and make WS pay.
Dont make his life so easy. before long he and OW will be taking great vacations with HER kids on money that should be going to you. DO NOT LET that happen.
I am sorry to be so harsh, but I know your D will be final soon, But I also know if it is not final you can file "new evidence" as to income DO IT TODAY. Yes it will be a LB but it is not about you or WH it is about your kids.
I know you are a lawyer, and WH will use that as " look she can work, she can have a income" well yes maybe so, BUT NOT NOW. You have emotional distress and you just had a baby.
K- I married your H (not really-but simular)
My H, when he left his first wife for another woman, came running and begging back after that forensic acct came in. Well she had it with him, he had left her a few times (marriage was not strong they only knew each other for 3 weeks when they married). Well when she heard that she would get 7,000+/month for 8 years (12 yr marriage no kids)she was done. This was based on "projected earnings" he had just went into private practice and was broke. He left OW and came RUNNING back. Too sad for him and too late.
Thank goodness I came into the picture after the Alimoney was done, he hated all women for it (It was HIS MONEY) sound familar??.
Be strong K, I know it is tough. But these controlling husbands one minute can be the best the next awlful. Jeckel/Hyde syndrome. It's all about you and your kids now. Your WH is in La La land. I hope I was not too harsh, I just dont want to see you settle for less than you deserve. Take care SC

Hi K-<p>I know you have already heard this, but stop letting him regain his control. He has been given numerous chances for the two of you to work together and has blown them all. You can't control this, but you can hold firm to your boundary and let your attorney do the talking. Although he will try to guilt you into it again because he has been successful in the past, you don't have to feel guilty because you have given him chance over and over again. Let it go or he will continue to control you.<p>Of course he doesn't want the kids to see a counselor. He isn't rational right now and they might tell the counselor. Stick to your guns.<p>I can totally relate to what you are saying. These men have manipulated us for so long that it becomes habit. It is our job to break the habit. It is not your job to worry about his problems, actually it never was, but most spouses do. Although you do not like the position his A has put you in, you can't change it. Accept that right now God has you right where you need to be. Accept that you can't control what your husband does and stop letting him gain control of your life and your feelings. You know he is being totally irrational so don't let him get to you. Why waste your time being upset when he is going to do it time and time again. <p>Look out for you and those kids. You are entitled to support irregardles of what your job is. Support isn't based on what he was making in the past, unless of course, his income would drastically be reduced in an effort by him to short change you. Otherwise it is based on current earnings. He's hit the big time. You and the kids deserve the support. Stick to your guns and leave the messy work to your lawyer. Also document all of these little incidents. Time is on your side although it probably doesn't seem like it. What comes around goes around. He may think that nobody is on to him, but people are. It will work out in God's time not ours.<p>Take care and God bless,
K

Thanks you gals.<p>It's exactly what I needed to hear. I still had to vent in a separate post but I feel better.<p>Right now it seems like the court is not going to help me at this time, but I don't know what is going to happen until the end.<p>This whole thing is just so wrong. <p>When you have a baby, the dad and mom are supposed to raise the child together - not each having half of the month.<p>I know that things will be ok in the end, but it's hard to be patient and tow the line - as you all know. <p>Somehow God will get me and the kids through this, and I just have to have faith that God will be there for them and take care of them when I can't.<p>Sin is so evil! <p>I wait for the day my posts are more upbeat.<p>K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What happens....... I hear from him something like blah blah blah blah blah blah - I can't remember what Orchid calls it - but whatever words coming from WH's mouth are not based in reality. <hr></blockquote><p>When he does this, you stare at him with a blank face until he stops, and then start up where you left off the adult conversation . . . . .<p>after awhile, they get very frustrated with no results. . . remember, they want you to act like them to blame you . . . and you need to remain cold, hard and stationary. . . <p>its really hard to go from loving a spouse to being cold and non emotional, but that is what is needed. . . <p>and after awhile, the kids will figure out that it really isn't you, but you are setting appropriate boundaries, and if you put on your life teacher hat, you can actually teach them what not to do very well . ..<p>like when my 10 yo daughter starts acting like her mom, yelling at me at the top of her lungs, and then saying, "and i don't care if i go to my room." well after 1 hour 30 minutes, in the room, with a little discussion about how we need to think before we speak, or else we may regret what we said, all of a sudden the lights went on. . . about why i take so long to respond sometimes. . . .<p>it is a good teaching point to show good behavior to counter act the bad, or else where will they see good behavior?<p>practice, no response to children in adult clothes. . .<p>no response to children in adult clothes. . .<p>no response to children in adult clothes. . .<p>no response to children in adult clothes. . .<p>no response to children in adult clothes. . .<p>no response to children in adult clothes. . .<p>no response to children in adult clothes. . .<p>
wiftty

and if you really want to do him in,i mean you really want to be un MB like, but you want to teach him a lesson, by sinking to his level,<p>you verbally provoke him until he becomes physical, you then hit the 911 button, but don't answer it, leave it open, and reality may hit him harder than you could ever hit him. . . .<p>career, OW, kids, everyone will suddenly NOT be his friend. . . <p>however, that is childish, but if you remain unmanipulated and unemotional, and uncooperative, respectfully, you may get the same result. . . and if careers and relationships can ever be ruined and reality faced, his image would surely be shattered with a domestic assault case and record. . .<p>but you have to be strong enough to take it once. . .<p>wiftty
(still a grumpy old man)

Unfortunately, or fortunately I already went that route - not on purpose.<p>WH got so angry that he pushed me against the wall and bruised and cut my face with the things that he had in his hands and bruised the back side of my body where it hit the door frame. I was 4 months pregnant at the time too.<p>Police were called, but we were both going to get charged - WH said I was trying to grab his cell phone off of his hip and hit him with it and that I scratched him on his arm or something(I may have done that on accident while he was trying to protect his darling cell phone from me - but not on purpose), so we were both going to be charged the officer said - don't you just lovce the police - I know they hate domestic disputes but I'm 5'3" and pregnant and WH is 6' and I'm also implicated because he got scratched.<p>Anyway, we both decided not to go through with it but I have pictures and witnesses - my kids - and my parents who arrived soon after.<p>So this may also end up in court - of course he'll accuse me too - say that he was afraid. Like I could actually ever physically over power him. It's ridiculous.<p>But thanks for the moral support!<p>K<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> WH said I was trying to grab his cell phone off of his hip and hit him with it <hr></blockquote><p>if you didn't even get the cell phone off his hip, how did he know you were going to hit him with it?<p>
you have to watch out for the emotional projection as people will believe it, even though there is no evidence to support it or to the contrary. . . . it sounds about right with BPD that he knows how to use emotional projection to keep you on the defensive. . . in other words, he thinks he knows you so well that he can read your intentions all the time, and people will believe it. .<p>you should have gone through with it. . . 5'3" pregnant versus 6' man. . . . man has scratches, so what. . . wife has bruises, etc. . . . <p>your WS has you very manipulated to believe that his 5% responsibility quotient = your 95% responsibility quotient. . . through his verbal manipulation.<p>and you can certainly say that his scratch came from self defense. . . . but you are so used to his convincing you of his reality, not yours, that now he is at his max manipulation, and it is not working like it used to. . . . you must continue to act like an adult, and learn to ignore children in adults clothing. . . ..<p>wiftty