I suppose a pre-marital agreement may have helped, but now I am in a situation and I need some advice.<P>I am 40, and have no children. My wife is 37, and has a boy (9 years) and a girl (14).<P>As far as domestic support, my wife expects me to do lots of things I feel her children should be doing.<P>Things like feeding their pets, putting dishes away, taking out the trash, cleaning-up their messes.<P>I don't expect her kids to do things they're incapable of doing, just a little help from them would make life for me and their mom a lot easier.<P>If my wife insists that the kids are just "children", and shouldn't be expected to have many responsibilities around the house, what should I do?<P>Should I work with my wife to do all the chores the kids should be helping with, or insist the kids need to help ?<P>I don't want to be a live-in servant for my step kids. Major Love Buster !<P>cmee<BR>

Those kids are old enough to do chores.Just make a list and they can do what is on the list.If you and your wife do that and then they dont do the chores you can take away some privileges.They hate it if you take away what they love the most and it motivates them to do what they are told.

Yes, that would be "the plan" provided you and your wife could agree to it; sounds like she's going to fight you tooth and nail (and ultimately override your wishes) to protect her kids' lily-white hands, though!! My SO figured out quite early on that we have very different views on child-rearing (he's like your wife, believing being a child means taking life easy, whereas I believe kids need to learn personal responsibility through chores) and we couldn't work it out (they're ultimately his to raise), so we decided not to marry, knowing we'd end up in just your situation! You can only control yourself. If you can't work it out (w/ counseling or anything else), you can always sit your wife down and tell her, "I believe we should ALL be contributing to this household; this is what I'm willing to do (a,b,c). I believe the kids are old enough now to do (x,y,z). If you don't want to work w/ me to assign them chores, that's your choice, but I'm not willing to do these things." She can then chose to do them herself, hire someone to do them, or delegate to these big capable kids. Or divorce you, but you may be well out of it if your opinion matters to little in this union.

First off, I do agree that the kids are old enough to have some chores around the home. I have a couple of questions for you. Does the children's bio dad see them? If he sees them on a regular basis your wife may be catering to her kids in an effort to want them to love her "more". I'm not making excuses for her, only trying to understand. I too am in my second marriage. I have two kids that live with my husband and I full-time and two step-kids that are with us about 30-40% of the time. There mother does exactly what your wife is doing only worse. Not only do they have no responsibilities in her home, she "buys" their affection to the point that she's damaging them. A lot of this is "fear" that daddy might get more of their affections. In reality kids do want responsibility and rules. But, in most cases it is almost impossible to get them to see this. I agree with the post just above mine. Sit down with your wife and without pointing fingers or making her defensive (don't attack her parenting skills), tell her that you want to help her out and that you think as a family you should all contribute. Your willing to do this and that and this and does that sound exceptable to her? Once she agrees with YOUR list of responsibilities carry through with YOUR list. The rest is either her's to take on or her's to pass on to her children. Just make sure you keep up with your responsibilities. The same thing started out in our home. My kids are 7 1/2 and 12 and one day it hit me "hey, I'm doing EVERYTHING and my kids think I am here to serve them. Not only am I serving them, but I'm driving them to all of their activities, participating in their activities and having no time for myself what-so-ever." I was exhausted as I'm sure your wife is. It took me getting to that point when I finally sat down with the kids and set it straight. I know they are capable of even more then they are doing but they have come a long way. And, I DO agree with your wife that kids do need to be kids and have their play time too. My children get very good grades which means a lot of home work so I do try to be understanding in my lists that I hand out. There has to be a happy medium in there.

Thanks for your comments. Yes, the bio dad does see the kids regularly. I think that my wife does try to keep her kids happy so they won't bolt for their dad's house. The girl has actually threatened to do that. The kids are good, they are just kids whose mother has never expected much of them when it comes to helping around the house. cmee<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BonnieSept:<BR><B>First off, I do agree that the kids are old enough to have some chores around the home. I have a couple of questions for you. Does the children's bio dad see them? If he sees them on a regular basis your wife may be catering to her kids in an effort to want them to love her "more". I'm not making excuses for her, only trying to understand. I too am in my second marriage. I have two kids that live with my husband and I full-time and two step-kids that are with us about 30-40% of the time. There mother does exactly what your wife is doing only worse. Not only do they have no responsibilities in her home, she "buys" their affection to the point that she's damaging them. A lot of this is "fear" that daddy might get more of their affections. In reality kids do want responsibility and rules. But, in most cases it is almost impossible to get them to see this. I agree with the post just above mine. Sit down with your wife and without pointing fingers or making her defensive (don't attack her parenting skills), tell her that you want to help her out and that you think as a family you should all contribute. Your willing to do this and that and this and does that sound exceptable to her? Once she agrees with YOUR list of responsibilities carry through with YOUR list. The rest is either her's to take on or her's to pass on to her children. Just make sure you keep up with your responsibilities. The same thing started out in our home. My kids are 7 1/2 and 12 and one day it hit me "hey, I'm doing EVERYTHING and my kids think I am here to serve them. Not only am I serving them, but I'm driving them to all of their activities, participating in their activities and having no time for myself what-so-ever." I was exhausted as I'm sure your wife is. It took me getting to that point when I finally sat down with the kids and set it straight. I know they are capable of even more then they are doing but they have come a long way. And, I DO agree with your wife that kids do need to be kids and have their play time too. My children get very good grades which means a lot of home work so I do try to be understanding in my lists that I hand out. There has to be a happy medium in there.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I am the bioparent in our family. The Q&A about dividing domestic chores between family members really applies! Dr. Harley suggests a democratic approach. Let the kids pick which chores they mind least or desire done the most. As long as they perceive it as fair they shouldn't throw a fit and leave.

I don't know; I feel like everyone's missing the poor guy's point here (I get it because I've been there, done that). "How to assign chores" (whether the kids like it or not) isn't the question; everyone can pretty much agree that chores are good for kids (except for this wife and my guy), and "how to assign" is pretty much a no-brainer. The problem is what to do if the two ADULTS can't agree and the bioparent is defending the kids' right to loaf. That is a marital, rather than a childrearing, problem.

Insightful. I think you've addressed the crux of the matter. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by quandry:<BR><B>I don't know; I feel like everyone's missing the poor guy's point here (I get it because I've been there, done that). "How to assign chores" (whether the kids like it or not) isn't the question; everyone can pretty much agree that chores are good for kids (except for this wife and my guy), and "how to assign" is pretty much a no-brainer. The problem is what to do if the two ADULTS can't agree and the bioparent is defending the kids' right to loaf. That is a marital, rather than a childrearing, problem.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

cmee--<P>Have you and your wife read the info. found at this website? I also recommend another book with parallel advices, "We Can Work It Out-How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other," by Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman, PhD's. It goes pretty indepth with learning communication skills and the art of negotiating. Predicts marital success with 93% accuracy. <P>You and your W have a big difference of opinion on the subject of kids' responsibilities. Quandry offers one solution and I believe that's a good start to a negotiation discussion--the part where you say what YOU are willing to be responsible for around the house. Feel free to state your feelings, but politely and calmly. Ask your W what her feelings are. Then strive to agree somewhere in the middle. You're in a new situation now, all four of you. It can't just be your W's way, and it can't just be your way. Find the "our" way.<P>14 and 9 are plenty old enough to be assigned regular chores. Realistically, that doesn't mean they won't need to be reminded, and will probably need tips on how to DO those chores. It's good for them, and prepares them for adulthood. Oprah Winfrey was impressed by words of wisdom by a friend, and quoted, "My job as a parent is to prepare my children to be citizens of the world. If they happen to love me along the way, that's a bonus I'll cherish."<P>You are the step-dad; the new person blending into this ready-made family while establishing your new marriage at the same time. Kinda like a roller coaster, isn't it? <P>Your W may be unconsciously expecting you to fill their dad's shoes, forgetting that you don't just automatically do things the same way they're used to. She probably likes it when you and the kids bond well, and probably looks at you defensively when you scold them. All these changes WILL take time, and patience. And even with the kids' help, your W will be looking to you for help.<P>My H may reply also. I'm sure he can relate!