AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh!<p>Has anyone seen the movie War of the Roses with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Tuner? I've been doing some research on my situation and it seems that I have a worse case scenerio with my STBX H. He has BPD and has made me the root of all HIS problems. He is so angry and has focuses all of that anger on me - all to the detriment of the kids.<p>If it was just me he as hurting, then I could take it, but he won't listen to any child psychologists or read any of the books on kids and divorce and thinks that the kids will just be fine with whatever HE chooses to do and that any bad emotions or negative behavior on their part is all due to me.<p>No, the courts cannot help. <p>I try to set boundaries and my STBX H just fights against them and the kids are losing!<p>He wants to take the baby for days at a time. She's 7 weeks old and I'm still breastfeeding. He doesn't care that when he found out I was pregnant that he told me countless times that he wasn't happy that I was pregnant and that he didn't want the child. He never asked about my or her health even though I almost miscarried her. <p>Now, all of a sudden, he wants to take her away from me and play house with OW.<p>Therapists say that kids need a period to grieve for the loss of the marriage. WH doesn't think so, he's already introduced them and plays family with OW her kids and our kids, and we're not even divorced. <p>He tells out kids that I won't let them see him which is not true and the kids hate me because they think I'm keeping them away from their dad.
WH has seen the kids every single time that he has wanted them and still he complains and turns them against me. <p>Of course I don't say anything bad about WH to the kids, and so I'm the one they blame.<p>It's not fair! WH gets to screw up everyone's lives and I get punished! I didn't have the affair! I didn't choose work over my family! I haven't done anything and I'm getting put through the wringer. <p>I still don't even know if I'll get any alimony. <p>I feel like I'm living in hell. I know we all feel like we are living in hell. It's just that today is one of those days when the fire of hell feels especially hot!<p>I just want to spare my kids some grief and heartache and I can't. My WH is going to hurt them no matter what I do. <p>He is a mean cold hearted selfish _______ You fill in the blank.<p>I put my career on hold for our children and he doesn't even value motherhood. He's rather have someone making minimum wage taking care of them, just as long as I'm not.<p>I know I sound like a broken record, but the closer we get to the day fo divorce and temporary hearing, the more emotional I get.<p>I know I'm supposed to trust. But bad things also happen to good people and I'm just as tired as the rest of you putting up with all this suffering. I want the Resurrection after the Good Friday and I'm losing patience.<p>In the end, I'll continue to trust and pray that this is all part of God's beautiful plan and do what God wants me to do - But no one says that I have to like it.<p>K

I tell you what happened to me in California.<p>1. The lesser income earning spouse has the option to take alimony.
2. The lesser income earning spouse gets child support.
3. It is in our divorce agreement that we will not talk bad about each other. Even though I want to slam her for walking away and destroying the family but I don't to the kid. What would saying bad things do to your kid except mess them up?<p>I am in the same sitch. The X walks away, blames me, and wants the kids, money, pets, etc. I am supposed to get nothing even though she left.

I'm not an expert on divorce, and it varies from state to state, but there should be a visitation plan already in place and an order for who has custody until the divorce is final. You need to see a lawyer if you haven't already! The visitation schedule dictates how much and how often the non-custodial parent may see the children. Sounds like that might help the situation some. As far as the put-downs, there is not much the court or you can do about what is said while he has the children, I don't think. You might mention this to your lawyer. This is definitely frowned on by the court, but whether anything can be done about it is another matter.<p>There's no doubt that what he is doing is most harmful to the children. All you can do is try to provide a loving stable safe environment for your kids while they wrestle with their feelings about all that's going on between their parents. Sometimes it takes a little more maturity on the part of children to begin to see through the lies and the games. But see through it they will - children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for. In the meanwhile, get as much support as you can from friends, family, church for yourself as you can. I've been where you are, and it is difficult at best, and as you put it a living hell especially when the ex is determined to use the children to get back at you.
Enlist all the help you can, from your attorney, from friends, from family. A support network can be a God-send during a very traumatic thing as you are going through.<p>Let us know how you are doing. I have been there, and I'm sure many others have to. This is a good place to vent and find support. Our thoughts and prayers are with you...let us know how you are.

i went throug a similar situation with my ex-h. he even tried to kidnap our son when he was 2.<p>on a calendar i used a colored marker so my son could see when daddy was picking him up. i told ex about it- he could no longer lie about visitation. if he didnt show when he was supposed to-then he could explain it. it worked really well in the end.<p>good luck to you-my prayers are with you.

Hang in there K- It will be OK. God takes care of all his children, he will take care of yours and he will take care of you too. Please just stay away from " satan " he will not make any sense to you right now. He will not say anything to make you feel anything but worse. Can you imagine what he is feeling? If you have no Idea what you will get (alimony & CS) neither does he. I am sure this is driving him nuts (he deserves it).
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God will be there for you -K- just believe it.

Thank you Thank you. This is why I come to the discussion forum.<p>I was the perfect mom today with the kids. Making and sitting down to dinner with them. Making cookies with them after. <p>But then WH called and wanted to complain about the arrangements for tomorrow's transfer of the baby - doesn't want to pick her up at my mom;s because he doesn't like my mom. Well, too _____ bad. He doesn't have to talk to her, he just has to pick up the baby.<p>He also wanted to play victim again. I raised my voice and told him to stop playing victim and that I wasn't going to take his victim whining anymore and he told it sounds like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. <p>Well if all I have to do is raise my voice to him and he thinks that constitutes a nervous breakdown then he's not a very good doctor.<p>All it means is that I'm tired of his crap.<p>But that makes me mad because now all he has to do is say that I think that she was going to have a nervous breakdown because she raised her voice at me. Why is it that he can lie and people will beleive him, but yet I don't make up stories about him.<p>Anyway, after that he arrived and when he arrives he wants run of the house. Well I wasn't going to do that so I locked the door and closed the window until the kids were ready. Well I wasn't very discrete about it so the kids wondered what was up and then I ended up yelling at the kids to get ready, and when one of my children asked me if daddy was the one doing the bad thing, I said yes. And told my oldest son, who had been walking around all evening telling me that he loved daddy and not me and that daddy is better etc., that he was more thanwelcome to go live with daddy and OW. <p>Ok now my oldest is only 7 and my other kids are 6 and 3 and well there is the baby - who was crying the whole time.<p>Terrible behavior on my part! Why did I let myself do this to the kids?!?!?! Awful behavior and I didn't get to say goodbye to the kids, who probably didn't want to say goodbye to me anyway after I was running around the house fuming while getting them out the door.<p>I feel so sad! Like I'm only valuable 1/2 of the month when I get the kids. I spend almost half of our marriage pregnant and most of the marriage being basically a single mom. The kids are my life and now he just comes in and rips them away like its no big deal. He's their dad. Like I should give him a medal or something. He may be their dad but he's not a very good one. i can just see them all ending up on drugs and in jail because of his bad example.<p>I am being forced into a life that I did not ask for. Why did we have to have 4 kids - and a baby to boot when he decided to flip out?<p>It just hurts to always hear from him that I'm not going to get the house, I'm not going to give you alimony, that he's taking the baby half the month.<p>Since you all have been there and lived through it, I guess I will too. But it's like adding insult to injury - hey have an affair, but it doesn't end there - they then make you and your kids lives hell, and you can't get away from them because of the kids.<p>God give me strength and give it to me now! K<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

K,
I am so sorry for you, I can't add much more, I know the pain, it hurts so bad. My only suggest is to try to limit contact with him. I know that is difficult with children, I do not speak to my stbxw period, I tried, it doesn't work, I get blamed for everything no matter what. I stick to e-mail but if that doesn't work, maybe letters or a third party, just try to limit it,set your boundries to protect yourself and those children.
God Bless,
Dave

deavepr<p>Glad to hear that it's just not me and that others here have had to limit contact with their Ex.<p>I've resigned myself to his blaming me. Now I'm jsut tring to get by. <p>K

Contact Elizabeth Baldwin, an attorney specializing in lactation issues and custody, through La Leche League immediately. There have been precedents set regarding nursing children. Often, overnight visits are delayed until the child is three years old. Gather all the information you can. There is no need for this sweet baby to be separated from the nurturing of its mother unnecessarily.<p>go to lalecheleague.org and root around for her contact information. If you can't find it, email me at anotherway6@yahoo.com<p>I will pray for you and your situation.

GIIC,<p>Don't be so hard on yourself. You are under so much stress with him wanting to take the baby so long and munipulating the children.<p>Some day you will be able to calmly tell him "You are picking daughter up at mom's house or don't pick them up at all. That is your choice." <p>When you can do this, when you can let nothing get to you that he does and when you can take your name and use it, knowing that you are not in control of him but only of your own feelings and that only God can control him, then that's when you will totally beat this.<p>You need to find the peace in your life. A couple of weeks ago I was looking at the definition of the word "peaceful". The definition is simple but really has a lot for a person to think about...it means... untroubled by conflict, agitation, or commotion. Strive for this in your life.<p>I really think you will be there soon.<p>I'm exhausted and am now going to bed. BTW, my son's team won their baseball game tonight. Yippee! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ANNA<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Do you have a counselor? Do the children?<p>I can't tell you how helpful it was for me to have mine. I simply have no words for it.<p>My babies were only 2 and 4 when their dad left. x expected to talk to them every night if he didn't see them. So, I had to help the little one hold the telephone receiver to talk to his dad. Hold the phone for the child - and cry at the same time. It was horrible. <p>I know you have an attorney. Is it a good one? Are you asking stbx to pay legal fees as you are not working?

Elizabeth Baldwin's web site is at:
http://www.compromisesolutions.com/<p>There are several informative articles on breastfeeding and visitation on the La Leche League web site at:
http://www.lalecheleague.org/Law/

duplicate post<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</p>

GIIC,
I'm thinking of you and praying for you. It will work out in the end. You are blessed that you have your parents to help you through this time too. The resources on this site are amazing.
I hope the LaLeche lawyer helps. That certainly sounds like a promising angle.<p>I went to a court ordered Parent Education Class for people who file for divorce with custody issues. It's required in NJ. The major focus was, Don't put the kids in the middle, and don't harm them. It's really good advice. Obviously your H hasn't heard those words.
I have many more books to read on helping the kids deal with the situation, but ours seem to be doing OK now. But civil conversations certainly help.<p>Take care and Take care of yourself.

Thanks for all the support!!!!<p>I am currently contacting the LaLeche group in my area and Elizabeth Baldwin. <p>Thanks again!<p>K

Hi K-<p>I am so sorry that things are going so badly for you. I wish there was something I could do. You and the kids are in my prayers.<p>It does seem so unfair that the WS is the one who not only has the A, but isn't satisfied to let it go at that. They have to make our lives living hell too. Trust me I've been there. It will get better. April 30 will help you a lot because you will finally have some court mandated stuff to help you out. He will have to follow the rules.<p>As for your kids, I feel for you. Trust in your heart that your 7 year old is lashing out because his life has been turned upside down and he feels safe enough with you to lash out. He won't lash out at your STBX because he doesn't feel safe. I know in my own case I have beared the brunt of all my kids emotions because they were scared, angry, hurt, etc. all at once and they didn't want to let their dad know in fear that he would see them even less. Give it time, Your son will come around.<p>Take it easy on yourself too. You are under a ton of stress. You are the rational one, you are doing the right thing, you are being a mother. You are not off in fantasy land doing what you want and making your own rules. It is natural that you will loose it from time to time. You are human, let it go. You are doing a great job!<p>As for the baby stick to your guns. She needs you. My X has announced that now that he has his own house that he will be taking our baby starting in May. He assumes he will just jump right in and take her with no gradual adjustment period. Yeah right! I am going nuts! Sure I want him to have a relationship with her, but he is a stranger to her. I am not willing to traumatize her just because he is now ready. These men just don't get it.<p>Hang in there. You will survive this, it just really sucks while we are going through it. I keep reading these stories from people who have been where we are and are now happier than ever. It is my prayer that we too will be there soon. You are in my prayers.<p>Take care and God bless!<p>K

Still Reeling - Thanks for the reply. <p>I've worked out a temporary arrangement with WH that will be in effect until the end of the month.<p>My problem is that WH has said that it soesn't matter what counselors say - he wants his daughter 1/2 the month - no matter what age she is - and even if it screws up her entire life. <p>And the sad thing is, the courts very well may let him do that. It's terrible.<p>However, I am getting lots of info. on the subject and preparing to try and convince him and the courts to see the light.<p>I hate to think that you are going to have t ogo through this too. I'll pass on any relevant info. to you to use with your husband. Go to www.compromisesolutions.com and you will get some great info. there if you need support for your position. I'll send some prayers your way too. I know the prayers are working I just have to be careful what I pray for - example - I prayed that WH would feel empathy for my situation wit hthe kids - well WH feels empathy alright, so much so that he wants to fight harder to get them half the time because he misses them so much. I can't win........<p>I realy don't know how he and OW will survive if he has the kids half the month and he lives with his parents and then he works the other half of the month. It's not much of a life for her.<p>I know it would be hard to parent four little ones, but the attitude of we have to parent individually without the other each half of the month is crazy - kids need both parents not one parent or the other. I need to pray that H understands this. <p>As a mom I will do whatever it takes to make sure the kids are ok - WH won't and that is what makes me so sad.<p>I'm trying to stick to my boundaries but WH just punishes the kids for every boundary I set. <p>I'm working through this though. <p>Please beam me up Scotty, I don't like this planet I'm on. (Yes I like Star Trek) K

Hi K-<p>Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I had a busy weekend and no computer. I hope the weekend got better for you.<p>First of all I am very happy to hear that you have a temporary visitation schedule set up until the hearing. That should really help you. I know it helped me. My X pushed it at first, but adjusted and now doesn't question it. The only drawback I have found is that before the set visitation my X would see the kids more often, but usually for shorter periods of time. Now he sticks strictly to his allotted four hours on T on Th and every other weekend. This is fine by me, but I know the kids wish they'd see him more often. He always says he wants them more, but never requests it. I find it very sad.<p>That brings me to my next point. My X although in so many ways is like your STBX is completely opposite where custody comes. I can't imagine him demanding them 50% of the month. I honestly don't know how I'd handle it. Granted my X is an alcoholic in denial and therefore at this time I don't really think he has it in him to have them that much, but none-the-less it would be hard on me, especially where the baby is concerned. Moreover, as a teacher I see kids on a daily basis who are effected by divorce and custody arrangements. It really is an area where the parents need to be able to work together. You have to work out schedules that match your own schedules, your childrens' schedules, and then on top of it make sure that the time spent away from either parent is not too much. It can be very hard on the kids. Given your husband's attitude on this I feel for you. I will keep you in my prayers. I also hope the courts look at the situation with your daughter and rule in your favor, she is so little, she needs her mom.<p>My three oldest kids get to spend the night at their dad's new house tonight. It isn't much, but at least after 15 months of waiting he has an acceptable place to bring them. Yeah! It will be interesting to see how things go now. For so long all I heard was how everthing would be better when the divorce was finalized, then the divorce came and it changed to how everything would be better when he got his share of the equity in our home and was able to get on his feet again. Well, on Friday I handed him the check. We are now free and clear of eachother in every way. He now has everything he has wanted. It will be interesting to see how great life is.<p>Lastly. This past Sat. would have been our 11th anniversary. A year ago I was devestated on the day. This year although I was well aware of the date, I wasn't upset. I actually feel ready for a new life. I guess acceptance is really here and I am feeling much better. He continues to be difficult to work with and probably always will be, but I just feel different. It is very peaceful and I hope you too will soon be feeling this way.<p>Let me know how you are doing. Also keep me posted on what you learn about the baby.<p>Take care and God bless!
K