Hi everyone! This is the first time I've posted, and I apologize if this is a little long. <p>A quick background...together 16 years, married 11 years, first marriage for both, no kids, both 40. Without going into detail, except for the first six months of our marriage, we've never had a time where there wasn't some huge negative thing happening (deaths, illnesses, legal matters, job loss...plus a lot of very bad luck, almost like we're jinxed). Unfortunately, neither of us handled these milestones very well...instead of pulling together, they blew us apart. A lot of negativity and power struggles resulted with each subsequent event and in our day-to-day lives. I see now just how badly we communicated, plus we didn't really meet each other's emotional needs at all. There has always been a lot of resentment and blame for the way each of us handled things in the past. Towards the end, we were pretty much married in name only (but never in a million years did I think my H would consider divorce...was I dumb or what?!)<p>Flash forward to August of last year. I suspected an internet affair, and after much turmoil, we decided to really work on marriage and recommit. I discovered that it is very true that "fear of loss is the greatest motivator". Unfortunately, we both had different visions of an ideal marriage, so, in our familiar fashion, we argued and debated over that until the about 3 months ago. Instead of getting closer to the goal, we were pushing further away. While we had been much more emotionally committed to each other, it was a rollercoaster of negative/postive emotion. The blind leading the blind with a lot of pride and ego thrown in the mix. In the last few months it was very apparent my H was struggling and he began pulling away.<p>Fast forward to now...a week ago, my H announced that he thought we should get divorced, and while he "loves" me, he no longer loves me like he used to, and that he no longer feels like putting in any effort to try to save the marriage. He's been seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist for depression for about 3 months now (I suspect he's addressing past issues about our marriage and is reliving all the pain and disappointment all over again all at once). Even though I've forgiven him for his shortcomings in the past, he can't seem to do the same for me. If anything, for him it's all come raging back to the surface and he can't seem to get beyond it to look at what "could be" as opposed to what was. He seriously doubts that I could ever love him the way he wants to be loved, and that he could love me again as much as he once did. He doesn't want to invest any more time than absolutely necessary. He's really not open to giving it another chance or remotely trying to participate in saving the marriage. He refuses marriage counseling, and has pretty much put it all on me to "correct"...with no promises from him that he'll stick around or change his mind. <p>He does throw me a small bone by saying there is a teeny-weeny little piece of him that hopes we can work it out, but he maintains that he is very doubtful at this point. The way he paints our marriage, it was always bad, it never, ever was good at any time and all problems in our marriage were mostly my fault. On top of the depression, I suspect a mid-life crisis is in there too. He admits he's not sure he'll be happier without me, but he wants to find out because all he knows is that he's not happy NOW, and says he's really, really been "trying" to love me again, but he just can't get it back. <p>I know I've painted a pretty bad picture of our marriage, but there is a foundation of love in there somewhere...something worth saving (at least to me). It wasn't always bad even though he says it was. I firmly believe with the right skills and commitment, I know our marriage could become very fulfilling. He just can't see that, and even if he could, I don't think he wants to try anymore, especially because he's reliving the painful past through therapy.<p>Even though at this point I'm getting nothing in return, I have been trying to meet his emotional needs and have been avoiding love busters. It's very disheartening being the only one working on it, and sometimes I backslide. At his suggestion, we are no longer sleeping in the same bed or making physical contact. He purposely avoids spending time with me, but I try to make the best of the little bit of time we do spend together. I still don't know if it will ever be enough to "make up" for the past which is apparently what he needs to move on with our marriage. He's not running to an attorney yet, but I suspect that is only due to our precarious financial situation and/or guilt. I truly don't believe there is any kind of affair going on either. <p>Any thoughts or advice would be so greatly appreciated. Some encouragement/hope would be greatly welcome, but I can take the negative too (unfortunately, I'm getting used to the negative!)<p>Thanks for listening.

I'm a guy who doesn't get much respect here because of the things I've done. So I hope you don't find me to be pretentious for giving advice. You will find a lot of support on this forum, if you choose to lay out your life here. You will also find a lot of bad advice. But, for what it is worth, here is mine. Don't give up, unless your safety is in danger. Find out where and when the next couples seminar is being held, and go to it with your husband. If he won't go tell him it is the only way to get the love he wants, with you or with any future partner. Cry and be depressed if he won't go. Tell him I want to talk to him. If he's been counselling, he may think he's heard it all. Tell him that individual counselling was a great place to start, and now it is timee to work as a couple.And, oh yeah, go to a different place on the forum, one where there is positive feedback and hope.

This sounds a lot like my situation ONLY WORSE! If thats possible you can catch up on my posts in recovery (not that I should b in there but popped in to ask some questions) & also somewhere on the general discussion board.<p>Anyway I don't have a lot of advise to offer only to just hang on in there sometimes you feel just so alone but then it really helps to come on here & vent, or ask some advise.<p>We never had councelling at all so thats a positive for you, my H has just dug his toes in & thats it the marriage is over he wants to be on his own & happy for the rest of his life end of story... All our assets r currently being divided up & lawyers will become involved any day now as we have quite a large buisness to split up.<p>My biggest wish is that my H could talk to someone (especially someone that has had an affair)wether it b by email or whatever he seems so very confused & I really am starting to think that he has convinced himself that because he doesnt want to hurt me any more & he wants to b happy (he is 49) it's easier just to give up I don't think he would tho cause he has often made remarks about all that crap i read on the computer.<p>I am really sorry i can't help you out much but please keep trying, i feel that i did everything wrong when i had the chance because i misunderstood plan A & now it just seems too late he wants me gone & doesnt love me any more so you are a bit further up the ladder than i am. OK good luck anyway.

Thanks for your support. Unfortunately, all the crying and pouting in the world won't move my husband to seek counseling with me. He stonewalls me when I display that kind of emotion ..it doesn't move him at all...if anything, it repels him (he says he doesn't want to "hurt" me!) It's ironic because for the first 10 years of our marriage, I resisted crying because to me it was a sign of weakness; but, since last August after we decided to "recommit" to our marriage, I've shed more tears and displayed more emotion than during the total 10 previous years! Since I rarely cried previously, you would think my tears would mean something to him, but they mean nothing. Plus he absolutely, positively refuses to put any more effort into saving our marriage.<p>I'm not convinced him going to individual counseling was a good thing. Sometimes it's better to leave the past in the past, and I truly doubt his therapist is geared towards saving our marriage. So, in a lot of ways, I blame the therapy for putting us here. The therapist is working on making HIM a better, happier person...at my cost it seems. He won't discuss his sessions with me, and I don't press the issue. From the little I can gather, I don't believe the therapist outrightly suggests he divorces, but I do believe she plants the seeds that a fresh start is what he needs and that divorce is a viable option. Unfortunately, his fresh start doesn't seem to include ME. I've read over and over again that love is a decision, not a random emotion. It seems he's making a conscious, concerted effort NOT to love me.<p>The strange thing is we get along very well during the little bit of time we do spend together...almost like friends. I think he's just trying to keep things as pleasant as possible between us since we have no choice but to live together due to financial reasons. <p>One of the biggest bones of contention between us was his chatting online with females which he insists was always platonic. During our recommitment, he cut back to 2-3 hours a day. Now, he's back up to 8-10 hours or more online...obviously, he's now making a choice not to be with me at all, doing the one thing that I hate the most. Definite love buster for me...but because we get along so well when we are together, I sometimes "forget" that he doesn't love me anymore even though you wouldn't know it to watch us together. It's all so weird and disconcerting.<p>Sorry...I'm babbling...thanks for listening! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm sorry he continues to hurt you. If your marriage is going to survive, you need to let someone other than you be the bad guy, the person who tells him what he does wrong. You need to focus on yourself, identify and eliminate your love busting actions, identify and meet his needs whenever you can. I might sound harsh, but you are 50 percent responsible for your situation. That 50 percent is all you get to work on(without his cooperation). While it will seem unfair to meet his needs without him meeting yours, you have to believe it is only temporary, and in time you and he will learn to negotiate the meeting of needs, and yours will be met as well.
You made him fall in love with you once; what is different now? Take every opportunity you have with him and treat it as if you were on a date and you wanted to keep him. You can make him fall so in love that he will eventually listen when you say "I need this if that other is to continue". But you are a long way from being able to say that without pushing him away.

Hi there-<p>I am confused to whether or not your H is currently having an A. Although he may not be, a lot of his actions seem to suggest it.<p>Have your read His Needs/Her Needs? If not, do so immediately. If you can get him to read it do it. I read a ton of books while trying to save my marriage and it was one of the best.<p>You say you are meeting his needs and avoidings LB's. This is great. Whatever you do, don't beg and plead. This is a major turn off. Have you read Why Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson? This is a great book on why we must hold strong.<p>If you want your marriage to work keep doing what you are doing by meeting his needs and such. Read all you can and be patient. Unless there are other circumstances such as abuse of any kind, which make reconciliation more difficult if not impossible for now there is always hope.<p>Hang in there and come here for support!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and encouragement! I truly don't believe my husband is having an affair, emotional or otherwise, but I could be wrong.<p>I was not at all offended by being told I'm to blame as well...I fully have accepted my responsibility in this mess we've made. But, like you said, I can only work on MY half for the time being. <p>I appreciate the book suggestions...as long as I'm being ignored, I might as well do something worthwhile with the time and read! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have to admit that sometimes it's very, very hard not to beg and plead (especially when I'm "emotional"...if you know what I mean! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) But, I realize doing that is not a good thing, so I've learned to walk away if that kind of feeling overcomes me.<p>Thanks again so much everyone...it's nice to have somewhere to come where everyone isn't telling you to file for divorce (like my friends and family tell me to do). I truly believe there is something worth saving, no matter what anyone else (including my husband) thinks!