Hi all,<P>I need some advice on this before I go and do something stupid, like putting my foot in my mouth <P>Some background info....my stepson (we will call him D) is 9 and lives in the UK with his mother. His dad and I were living there, about 20 minutes away from him, until last year. My H is not the greatest dad, to say the least, even though it was very difficult for him to leave D behind. I know that our leaving has had a negative impact on D's life. <P>However...D's mother is not great at parenting either. She allows him to stay up at night as late as he wants. Watch what he wants on TV. She brings him little presents from where-ever she goes, even if it is to the newspaper stand. He was one of the factors in the break up of her last relationship. Basically this kid has her wrapped around his finger.<P>OK...here's what I need the advice on...D has started to put on a lot of weight. He has started dropping out of sports because he is becoming increasingly unable to keep up. Instead he is playing more video games and eating more junk food. Instead of a new bike for Christmas he wanted a Dreamcast. He is also beginning to act up in school, we suspect to compensate for being teased.<P>I know that I cannot tell this woman how to parent her child but she is calling us asking for help. I was a chubby child and I know the pain he is going though with the other kids at school. I also know he has manipulated her into not making him eat properly (he won't eat any vegetables but carrots and corn).<P>Is there anything I can say to her? We have a pretty good relationship because she knows I don't want to usurp her place as mom but at the same time I want the very best for him. I am so worried about this kid...I don't want him to have to travel the road I am on, always battling my weight and fighting the self loathing that was instilled in me by my peers at school because I was the fat kid. <P>Any suggestions?<P>Thanks...Jodi <P>

MOVE BACK! It is your husband's responsibility to parent his son and he can't do it unless he is there. You married a guy with a child, so you go too if you want to stay married. In 9 more years you can move to Africa or Rhode Island without him. D needs more parenting, not less, at this time in his life. Take a cut in pay, loss of lifestyle or whatever. D did not ask for the divorce or to lose his dad.

Karenna offers great, although possibly unrealistic, advice. And, I’m assuming all parties want the custody arrangements to remain as they are. That being said, sounds like you can offer the encouragement and the “been there/done that” support D needs. Call him regularly and let him talk…offer words of advice positively whenever there’s an opening, and heap praise for good habits.<P>The best thing D’s mom could try is to make healthy meals and snacks for him. Fruit instead of a snack cake; celery and peanut butter instead of a cookie. Maybe you could suggest that, along with the importance of consistent bedtimes and limits for tv/video games. Sports should be encouraged, even little things like walking (which they could do together). If mom’s schedule permits, her presence at practices and games may help to curb other kids’ cutting remarks. Perhaps a weekly reward of that cake he loves or ice cream may be good incentive for him to keep trying. <P>H’s Ex is not very helpful with my SS’s weight and life habits either. He just turned 10 and is a husky little boy anyway. Same situation—she lets him stay up ‘til whenever during her visitation, and feeds him total junk constantly. He has no chores and calls all the shots with her. Fortunately he’s with us the majority of the time, and football last Fall really helped the “pudge” factor. <BR>

Karenna, I have thought about moving back but it really isn't something we will do. Being in the UK was extremely tough on our marriage (as strange as it sounds) and part of what led to my H's affair last year. I know D didn't ask for his parents to split up and I agonize over it a lot. However they split up before I arrived on the scene and when they were together they fought ALL the time. D's mom is very confrontational and yells a lot. I sometimes wonder that had my H known then what he does now about relationships it might have worked out but it's unlikely. She is a perpetual victim and manipulates people to get what she wants. D has learned from a good teacher. <P>Lucks, thanks for the advice. I did talk with D the last time he visited us but it didn't do much good. He and I have a tentative relationship in which he likes me a lot but he is afraid of being disloyal to his mom..so he won't let our relationship get any closer. Which I totally understand. Like I said in my original post..I don't want to replace his mom...nobody can do that. I will try to talk to him more tho. <P>As for his mom...we tried to talk to her when we were living there about bedtimes and the food but it was obvious from his behaviour when he was with us that she was not doing it and then telling us she was. She also gets extremely defensive about anybody questioning her parenting. This is why I asked if there was anything anybody could think of that I could say to her. <P>thanks y'all for your perspectives. Having slept on it, I think I might write them both from the been there/done that perspective. I just hope this doesn't blow up in my face...but this is something I feel I need to do.<P>Please, does anybody else have anything to add? <P>Jodi<P>

My best advice to you - stay out of it. I realize you think you have a great relationship with this woman, but you are married to the father of her child, a man she once loved and was married to. Anything you say may well be used against you and when it comes to parents and new spouses, they generally tend to believe the children over the new spouse. Sorry, that's just the way it can be.<P>I know it's tough to see what's happening, and he may be manipulative and acting out. But it's your husband's place to deal with this, not yours. If you really want to help, then give your suggestions to your husband and let him relay them to his ex as his own. The last thing you want is for the ex to attack you for your advice and for you to be in the middle of something - well intentioned as it was.<P>Just my .02.

SpandauBallet,<P>thanks for the perspective. I haven't written her for exactly that reason. My relationship with D's mom is not exactly what I would label 'great' which is why I have held back. I agree that it is my H's responsibility and we agree on what needs to be done but at the end of the day she is the one providing the food day to day. This past Sunday D told me he had a cheesburger and fries for breakfast and spaghetti with meat sauce for supper. Having been in the same situation he is in it makes it really tough for me not to say anything.<P>Just for the record...My H and D's mom were never married. She got pregnant very soon after they started seeing each other and they tried to make the best of things. They both admit that if she had not become pregnant they wouldn't have stayed together. <P>Thanks y'all for the feedback. I just feel like my hands are tied. When I know D is going through some of the same stuff I went through my heart goes out to him. But if I have learned anything in my life it's that he is the one who is going to have to make the decision to lose the weight. I just wish I could tell him about how I have struggled and save him some of the pain. <P>thanks again....Jodi<BR>