Yesterday as I was taking my son to baseball practice, he tells me that one of his friends at school told him that om is leaving my x to go to Fl to take care of his mother. My s says he doesn't believe it because she was alright when they visited earlier in the month.<p>I told him he should ask his mother. When I get home X calls to talk to the kids and I told her she needs to tell the kids because son already knows and he doesn't beleive the story. She gets mad at me, asking how he found out(she told the kid's mother who is her neighbor). I told her I was just giving her a headsup and she hung up on me.<p>She called later in the evening while I was out cutting grass and told at least our son, I'm not sure about our daughter though as x didn't want to ruin d's confimation retreat this weekend. D was pretty quite last nite. S said he was sad for mom and mad at om/h.<p>Both kids were okay today, although d got sick at school and called me and I was 1.5 hrs away. X worked 7p-7a and was sleeping and takes the phone off the hook. D feels bad about me having to leave work, so I her call friends of mine who came and picked her up and even took her to their house. I had a feeling this would happen some day so I had asked the friend if she could be my emergency contact. So I knocked off early and pciked d up. She was fine and went on church retreat.<p>As the kids left, a friend of mine came over and said my x had called him and asked him to finish some work for her. She told him that she and om/h were separating.<p>He asked me if I knew what needed done as he was leery getting involved in a divorce situation fearing he wouldn't get paid. <p>om/h was supposedly building a bedroom for my son in the basement.<p>SO it sounds like x is planning to stay put.

Bob,<p>It is nice to have a friend to depend upon to be the emergency contact/assist for your kids. When my kids were younger, I also had a friend who helped me several times. I always made sure to do something nice for her each time she did me a favor, too. Movie tickets or some other small gesture is always appreciated.<p>Sounds like your ex may have a reputation already. The guy not wanting to get involved in helping her - worried about getting paid??? Hmmmm, I guess he is worried she won't be too reliable for the money.<p>Your kids are getting another unearned shake-up here. Your ex needs help. She is going to continue to run through people on her quest for making herself feel good. I know she won't listen to you, but she really needs to stop this drama and madness in her life. One thing is for sure - EVERYTHING we do has a consequence, and hers are finally beginning to catch up to her.<p>Have a wonderful weekend, Desiree

Desiree,
I started using this woman 3 yrs ago when my x first left because I knew this day would come sometime. I'm lucky I was only 1.5 hrs away. I could be upto 2-2.5.<p>This woman was my x's best(only) friend. I was semi friends with her husband. Since the separation/divorce I've become better friends with the guy. He even called my x when were first separated from Denmark and read her scripture. That didn't go over very well and she hung up on him. <p>He suggested that his wife call my x in case she needed someone to talk to. I said I didn't care.<p>Then I started thinking about it and figured that x would think I was spreading it around town, so I called the woman and asked her not to call.<p>My biggest fear right now is that x will want to become super mom and try to take the kids away from me. So I figured I better not get her mad at me. <p>The woman agreed not to call her. I said I don't care if you talk to her, just don't mention my name. She said the first thing she would do is recommend counseling. <p>My son said today he guessed he would never get to go to Fl with his mom again(she took him to Tampa the last 2 spring breaks and they stayed with om's mother.) <p>The kids keep busy enough so hopefully they won't be impacted to greatly. I don't know how involved with them he was. It was mainly sporadic.<p>I dropped my son at his mother's tonite and it looked like om/h's junk was pretty much all out of the garage.<p>How are you doing Desiree? You seem to be posting more!

Bob,<p>Probably a good idea not to have your name mentioned when when the lady friend talks to your ex. Somehow, your ex would likely twist this to find a way to blame you. <p>I am concerned about your fears that she might end up wanting custody. Gosh, that would be the worst thing she could do to the kids right now. They have had stability with you, and she needs to concentrate her efforts at getting her own life straight right now. I am sure that she loves them, but she can do the best thing for them by leaving things as is as far as custody goes. You will be added to my prayer list for this one.<p>Your son's comment was interesting. Seems he cared more about the vacations than the OM, don't you think?? I think it is typical of a kid to talk about missing the vacation spot. He likely really will miss that. But, no boohoos over the guy being gone?? Sounds as if he accepted this guy but never really bonded with him.<p>I am doing great, Bob. My life has changed radically. I have a new job in a totally new field, moved to a new town, got a new house and have a good man in my life. I never did leave here, but have gone through periods where I felt I really had nothing to contribute. I post off and on, and yes, more lately. My one contribution of late is that I want people to know that they can find happiness again after the trauma of infidelity and divorce, no matter the disposition of their marriages. I am happy and am living a good life. I also look for posts from my peers - people like you who started around the same time I did 3 years ago. It has been interesting to see our evolution and growth through the ordeal. <p>You are in a much better place emotionally, Bob. Things are starting to "click" for you. I know your ex and her wacky life impacts you right now, but you have become much more emotionally stable and mature through this. You are at a point where you have basically healed and more happiness and love will continue to come into your life.<p>Wishing you the best, Desiree

Desiree,
Thanks and I'm glad things are going well with you.
You are right about my son not bonding with om/h. He was just pretty much his mother's husband.<p>No signs of my x changing her attitude toward the kids. D went on church retreat this weekend and I picked her up. As we were coming back I asked of she wanted me to drop her off at her mothers as we were going right past. She said no, she didn't feel like packing. I said it would just be for the rest of the day, but she said no, she wanted to go to open gym with her friends. So she didn't go. X hasn't called her to see how weekend went.

Bob,<p>Well, if she can't be bothered about even calling to see how the weekend went, then she likely can't be bothered about fighting for custody. Well, at least we hope not. Can't say that folks always follow the things that make mopst sense. I am wondering if she won't try to buddy, buddy back up to you???<p>Desiree

Desiree,
It looks like its just me and you on this thread!<p>X dropped my son off at around 6 last nite, yelled in to my d and they talked for a minute and that was it. She is also back to her old tricks, my son hadn't eaten so I fed him.<p>Last nite my son asked if we could take one of his mother's dogs if she has to get rid of them. I don't know if that means she is planning to move to an apartment or she can't afford them.<p>As for the buddying up to me, I really don't think that will happen unless she gets desparate. She made it pretty clear to me that she wanted nothing to do with me during the divorce, our reconciliation weren't much of anything on her part. It always kind of bothered me how a lot of people has their ws come and go a number of times. She never did. Once she left, she was gone, even when om dumped her there was no talk of moving home.<p>With my 20-20 hindsight, I now understand why she was unhappy most of the time, she was married to me! I now think she wanted out of this marriage a long time ago. The om offered her a out and I truly believe it was an exit affair she had. However she then relealized she would be alone and decided to marry om. She has never lived on her own. She had room mates in college, then right out of college she had a house with some girls and then I came along. So it will be interesting to see how she handles her new found freedom.<p>I wasn't worried she would come back to me, as I would turn her away. I could never trust her again and I will not live like that.<p>My biggest fear is that she will want to become "super mom" and take the kids. But like you said that doesn't look like that will happen either. I am going away with my g/f next month(I'm going to be her travel assistant) and I gave x the dates I'll be away. <p>X gave me her work schedule and I see she is working one of the nights I'll be away. So I gave her a month's notice and she still can't get the time off! I'm sure she didn't ask. She'll probably just palm the kids off on her neighbors.

You mean all you have to do is tell your wife that you will be out of town for something you want to do and she will take care of them? My H wouldn't even take care of the kids when I drove our daughter to college, or to go to the mandatory parenting class, because that was "babysitting" and therefore beneath him. Of course he won't allow all 4 of the little kids to visit him simultaneously anyway, because it disturbs the OW.

Nellie,<p>My x works 12 hr shifts so she "only" works 3 days one week and 4 days the next so she has some open time during the week. She informed me last month she no longer works weekends. So now those are open too I guess.<p>This actually only the second time in about 3 yrs that I am getting to do something I want. Usually x would not make other arrangements and would want om to watch the kids, so I would just miss out.<p>You have to admit, your case is extreme with your x having all these rules about the kids. My x pretty much just wanted to replace me with the om. She was always throwing,"he's their stepfather" in my face.<p>My g/f's x is like that too. He takes the kids, but only every other weekend. A couple weekends ago he was supposed to have the boys after missing them his previous weekend because they were both sick, and he went away. He said just let them stay with his new wife as she needs to get to know them.<p>I don't know how people can treat their kids like that. My x used to go to all the kids stuff till she had her MLC or whatever. Then she quit. Then after we divorced she changed her work schedule to the 12 hr shifts so now she doesn't have them in the mornings and now misses most of their evening events because she is working.<p>I've probably on missed a hand full of things during their life and that was because I had to be out of town for work. Normally I would schedule my travel around the kids stuff.<p>That is why I am afraid of the x wanting to become super mom now. But I bet that would be hard after not having that much responsibility for them for the last 3-4 yrs(she has been gone for 3 yrs, but was in some kind of funk for about a year).I don't know what I would do without my kids.<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: RWD ]</p>

Bob,<p>You posted:
"With my 20-20 hindsight, I now understand why she was unhappy most of the time, she was married to me! I now think she wanted out of this marriage a long time ago. The om offered her a out and I truly believe it was an exit affair she had. However she then relealized she would be alone and decided to marry om. She has never lived on her own. She had room mates in college, then right out of college she had a house with some girls and then I came along. So it will be interesting to see how she handles her new found freedom."<p>OK, do you "see" something here? Your ex had a problem - she was unhappy in the marriage. She didn't know how to "solve" her problem. So, she had an affair as a means of "escape". This is 1000% revealing. Your ex does NOT know how to solve her relational issues/problems in a healthy and mature way. Hence, her break-up with the second H, after a really brief marriage.<p>It is my prediction that she will go through a string of relationships unless she stops long enough to figure out how to solve issues and how to be happy in a relationship. I care most about your kids, because she may well cycle a host of men through her life, which will also touch theirs'. <p>Of course, you can't teach or tell her anything. I am only hoping that this second marital breakup will give her enough cause to pause and consider why she isn't being "lucky" in love. And honestly, I don't think she is commited enough to the kids to even try to pretend to be a "super " mom. Her MO is the easy street.<p>Prayers for your family, Desiree

Desiree,
Thank you for your prayers for me and my family. I really appreciate them. I think you are right about her not knowing how to communicate. That's not my strongest suit either but I am learning.<p>What you said about her having a string of relationships and how it will affect my kids is another one of my fears. She really is a different person than I once knew. I have a hard time believing anything she says now as it seems lying has become so easy for her.

Bob,<p>I can relate to the lack of trust for the ex-spouse after going through this ordeal - I really can! Also your comment about theem becoming a stranger to us. In essence, I suppose that really is true. Most of our exes ARE strangers to us. They have changed into people whom we would not choose if we knew what we know about them now. I see that posted all over the place, and truly it is how I feel about my ex.<p>Keep doing the right things for your family, Bob. I am glad things are going well for you with this new girlfriend, too. I have to laught though - I am mid forties, I know you are in your 40's - and we have to talk about our "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" like we are in high school! It is rather comical in a way. But seriously, I am glad you are able to find some companionship with a lady who sounds like a decent woman and a loving, caring mother. It is what we all deserve - a decent person that we care about who returns the feelings about us!!<p>Have a good one,<p>Desiree

Desiree,<p>It is funny about the boyfriend/girlfrinend thing. I've accompanied Mel on a number of her business functions and we always stumble on what to say. Its even weirder when I hear my kids say it.<p>I'm going with her next month to Toronto for a conference she has to give a talk at, so I keep kidding her I will be her travel assistant.<p>Bob

Bob,<p>Toronto! What a great city. I got to see Phantom of the Opera there when it first ran - the version with Colm Wilkerson. It is a fab city! I am so very happy you will get to have some fun - adult fun - for a change! This is awesome news!<p>My guy and I have just gotten over trying to say "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". We try to just introduce each other. If I talk about him, I refer to him as my "guy" or my "fella". Anyway, I just had to chuckle over that.<p>Is your ex keeping the kids for your trip? Hey, this idea of you being an assistant is OK. Maybe it can mushroom into a second career for you, haha!<p>Gosh, you are sounding better tonight. Keep your spirits up, Bob. I am praying hard for things to stay stable at your home.<p>Desiree

Hi RWD,<p>I always read your posts and am glad that you seem to have found someone special in your life.<p>Toronto is a great city, especially at this time of the year. We have had summer, spring, fall and winter all in the space of 3 days last week!<p>If you are interested in things to do while here, let me have your e-mail address and I can send you some information. When are you visiting?

Hey Bob,<p>Toronto ROCKS!!<p>We're about two hours away!! The weather is crazy right now...<p>Two weeks ago I was sweating bullets, and three days ago it snowed!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hi Desiree [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Hi willbok [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi, Sheryl!! Didn't realize you and wilbok were that close. <p>Desiree

X and I went to Toronto probably 6 yrs ago with another couple. We saw Phantom too. Thats the first I musical I had ever seen and I thought it was great.<p>We ate at the tower that turns. The meal was terrible and we then found out the kitchen staff was on strike. The other guy we were with was a lawyer and he complained loud and long and we ended up getting the meal for free.<p>Funny(?) side story was not too long after, the woman left the guy and remarried , he remarried and a few years later he became my x's divorce lawyer. I suppose he was doing his job as her lawyer but I feel he tried to screw me by trying to get half of everything like lawn care equipment, sporting good stuff, let her try to weasel on what she earned and crap like that. She also said he was mad because once I found out she took money out of the saving account, I closed the account and sent her her half(less what she took out). I told her to ask him if he didn't move money when his wife left.<p>I'm just down in Ohio so I know about the weather.<p>My e-addy is bdavis1155@msn.com. Would appreciate any info. I think I have some stuff on the castle somewhere.<p>Last spring I accompanied Mel(g/f) to Suisse St Marie Canada for a conference she spoke at. We then drove down to Mackinac Island for a long weekend. Thats kind of what we are doing this trip. <p>We're leaving on May 9 and returning on the 12th. Her talk is on the 10th.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> We then drove down to Mackinac Island for a long weekend. <hr></blockquote><p>If you take the high speed catamatan ferry to Mackinac Island, my college room mate's shipyard built it and i delivered it on its first maiden run from Providence RI to Detroit, down the St lawerance seaway.<p>bob, you are an associate or a personal body guard. . [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi again Desiree,<p>Oh, only now are we that close! Remember, I'm from SUNNY [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] California. <p>There are some really neat things around here - the NATURE is GORGEOUS in a totally different way than the deserts of CA. There's water EVERYWHERE, and Lake Ontario LOOKS LIKE AN OCEAN (without the crashing waves, of course).<p>I didn't realize how close I was either... I am kinda to myself around here... I knew a few folks in CA, as you know... Tired Lady and Airheart were both very close by... funny, huh?<p>Anyway, nice to chat with you, if even for a moment...<p>Hugs!!