Well, here is my situation. It may be a little long, so please bare with me. <p>I have been married for almost 8 years. I have 2 beautiful boys ages 6 and 2. We are a military family and my H and I have been separted due to his career for a total of 8 months out of that past year.<p>During the second deployment, our communication was great. We would meet on line everday and email eachother for up to 2 hours at a time. We had one intense conversation about our marriage and our hopes and dreams of us being together and being a family. He was gone for a total of 5 months during this second deployment. During the 4th month of him being gone, we had gotten word that his grandmother was terminally ill. I was able to get the red cross involoved and they pulled him from his duty assignment and sent him to California where she lives so he could see her. Our boys and I met him there.<p>While we were there, our reunion was fantastic despite the circumstances. We were talking, spending time together as a couple and also as a family with our 2 boys. Everything was so wonderful, and he expressed to me also how great he felt and how happy he was that we were all together again and how much we wanted our marriage to work and that he thinks we have finally rediscovered eachother again. Everything that I could ever want to hear, I heard and felt again. We did have some problems before he had left for this deployment. We had started counseling, but we were only able to go to 2 sessions. After Sept 11th happend, he was sent away to duty overseas.<p>While we were in California for the 2 weeks together, we had gotten an email from his EX girlfriend from 10 years ago. The 2 of them dated in HS and at one point in time, she was pregnant with his baby. She unfortunatly chose to have an abortion. 2 months after the abortion, he left Califonia to start a new life. He never really broke things off with her, he just left. 10 months later, he and I met, he had other girlfriends after, but I was the first serious girlfriend he had had since this He had left his EX. He and I were married a year later and started our lives. <p>Back to the email...she had emailed him us a short message. She came across our family website that we have. She found him through Classmates.com. She emailed him a short letter, and he replied. I was there when he wrote the email. Then she wrote back a very long message and even gave phone numbers and wanted to get together with him while he was still in California. Needless to say, we where there for only 2 weeks and they never got together. Our boys and I returned to South Dakota, and he was sent back overseas for 1 more month. <p>I discovered that when he returned overseas, he had been in contact with her. He was calling her and talking to her and there were even emial exchages. After he returned home in March, he was still in contact with her, and come to find out, there were alot of "feelings" expressed between the 2. He even gave details about our marriage, our problmes and so forth. <p>Now, he is torn...He tells me it is all his fault and he realized that he has never gotten over his Ex. He doesn't know what to do, doesn't know if we can move forward and get past this. I have told him that this is an emotional affiar and that it isn't fair to us. All the promises that were made between us, he admits he can no longer stick to because of his EX coming back into his life.<p>We are going to counseling. Although not together, but apart. I have been going for 4 weeks since all this was discovered, and he just started last week. He had to go back to Califonia again for 2 weeks because his grandmother passed away. He said the had contacted her, and he said that he never went to see her. He said also he wants to express to her how he feels. I contacted her and she has made if very clear to me that she is still in love with him and cares for him very much. But my question to her..."How can you love someone you don't even know and havn't known for 10 years." I have made if very clear to him that I do not plan on walking out on our marriage despite the fact that he has hurt me and he is emotionaly involved with another.....My question is...How do we start to rebuild? We walk around the house, there isn't much converstaion. There isn't much physical contact on his end. He doesn't touch me hardly at all. I do try with him, he doesn't push me away at all, but he doesn't make any effort either. Although he hasn't had a problem being intimate with me several times. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. He won't talk. All he says is that he doesn't have any answers. I deserve answeres, but he doesn't have them. I have told him that only way we can move forward again to for him to cut all ties with her. He said he doesn't know if he can make that decision. I just don't know what else to think....Anyones input would be great!!!!!!!!!!<p>[ April 20, 2002: Message edited by: FeelingAlone2002 ]</p>

FA2002,
Welcome to MB! You have come to a great place for help..this place is full of wonderful, caring people with great wisdom and insight to share. <p>I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling now and I don't know if my words can help you but I will try to say what thoughts your post brought to me. <p>Your husband is in a very vulnerable situation right now. He is losing a loved one and a part of childhood...part of who he is. It is very hard. OW's timing stinks. I also think he is grabbing his past to keep it from slipping away completely and ow is part of that past. The mistake he is making is that thinking they can pick right up where they left off. Whoever said 'you can't go home again' was right. Nothing stays the same. Everything evolves. He is 10 years different. He has a wife and two children. It's not gonna be as easy to walk away as he thinks. But when he talks to her he feels 10 years younger and they re-live their glorious past. It's a trick, an illusion. But he is in the fog right now and can't see the little man pulling the levers behind the 'big wizard'.<p>I admire your sense to say that you will not just abandon your marriage. I think the best thing you can do at this point is to email the other woman and ask her to please not contact him anymore. Be very nice and just ask her to honor your marriage.<p>I think the best way to start to rebuild is to act (to a certain point) as if nothing happened. Don't talk it to death, be loving and supportive like you were before and let him know that you are his wife today and tomorrow and treat him as your honored husband.<p>Please read everything on this site...especially Plan A/Plan B board...you might post this same question on a couple of other boards---not everybody reads every board. Emotional Needs and General Questions II under Infidelity get a lot of action and might be a good place to post.<p>Please let us know how you are doing.

Have patience... sometimes the weekends are slow... if you don't get a reply right away... hang in there. <p>I too am from So Dakota (now living in Illinois) and married a guy who lived in California... so, your post struck an interesting chord. However, I have three kids and we're not military. I'm assuming you're living out near RC, Ellsworth, right?<p>Okay... I have no words of wisdom now... mainly because I'm tired... well, I usually have words but whether they're wise or not is totally debatable depending upon who you talk to... so yes, you will get suggestions... just keep checking back or updating your story.<p>I'm sorry about the pain caused by your H's situation with this old girlfriend...