I have Posted before.......here is a brief synopsis.........Divorce since October 2001 (married 13 years).........anyway back at Christams we started seeing each other again.....things were nice..but for what ever reason...........we started drifting apart....one reason I think I started pulling away ..is the fact that she was dating others at the same time.......<p>She tells me that she does not want to put her life on hold.........if we do not make things work...that we need to go thru the process and start a new relationship if we have any hope.......<p>We haven't been togehter much lately.........but recently discovered she has been seeing someone for a month now.....nothing serious but enough that they sleep with each other..........We talked last night.......and she does hold hope we can end up together again.........thats is why she is not looking for anything permanent with anyone else.........and she told me she tells all men she dates this...........<p>I can't beleive I even let her walk out of my house and agreed this ...that we will start dating again.....after thinking about it.....I had the problem before.....it bothers me she is with others.....I guess I do not think I can deal with it..........however, do I permanently pull the plug on my chances.......I love her deeply....but just no sure this will work for me.........I guess I expect that we hold off dating anyone else till we know if we have a chance...........<p>What should I DO?

You should tell her how you feel. <p>Explain that you don't think the relationship can be rebuilt *WELL* unless you both focus on each other exclusively.

I did.....but she feels that is putting her on hold.........Do you think it is unreasonable request?

From what I can see, you are basically wondering if it's "OK" to date someone who is sleeping with another guy... Hmmm, I guess that comes down to personal preferences (diseases and stuff notwithstanding). I personally would not date someone who is involved in another relationship of any sort, much less sleeping with someone, but that's just me. Realistically, though, I don't see how you can build any relationship with this woman if she is dating another guy.<p>Hope this helps.<p>AGG

I guess thats how I feel........I just happen to love her so much.......she trully feels this is just a stop gap..........but I just don't think I can deal with it....I guess I will never see her view point.............I guess I need to talk with her again about this and be honest with her and myself...............

Sounds like she wants the best of both worlds...
Personally, I don't see how this is can work for you.... If she really wanted to rebuild then she would be focusing on just dating you... I don't think this is fair to you, I am sure this is very painful to you, you need to protect yourself.. tell her how you feel and what boundries you need to setup for yourself in a non-controlling way... if she is not willing to do that then back off (Plan B) and see what happens in time... Good luck, Dave

Sounds to me like she gets her relationship advice and ethics lessons from "Cosmo". If that's the kind of life she wants there's not much you can do to change her mind. What you really need to do is figure out if you can have a relationship with that kind of woman.<p>I couldn't.<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: o2bsane ]</p>

You should be apprehensive about continuing your relationship with the ex-wife by the fact that she
can sleep with other men even if she has no serious relationship with them. The fact that she can defend this immoral behaviour while dating you shows a person who has lost direction.

Thanks everyone,<p>I will tell you this is a painful thing......I am going to talk with her again.........and let her know that if she can not just date me ...then I am getting on with my life. I have to be honest with myself. And I KNOW I would go nuts knowing she is with others. I know she will see this as controlling. Something happened to her, she seems on a mission to show her independence. She feels I want her, because I do not want anyone else to have her. One of the issues is the fact she doesn't want to be controlled. I can not tell you how many times I have heard it. Or the statement that she is not a possesion. Any controlling, was definitely sub concious. I guess the controlling she felt was my voicing an opinion that her actions bothered me.<p>Anyway, I am feeling nervous about this conversation. But will have it for sure........I need some resolution, I just can not waiver in the wind

I hate to say it, but I think you are the comfortable old shoe.<p>She's trying on new ones, hoping to find a good fit, but in the meantime she comes back to you because you are comfortable, fit well, and are probably broken in well. She's not even giving you the respect of keeping you in the closet - she's put you out on the back porch for yardwork.<p>Not very fair to the old shoe.<p>I'm done speaking in metaphors [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ...I think her actions speak volumes.<p>Lisa

It seems that she has really done a trip on you to make you feel nervous What you are doing is expressing your feelings about not wanting to date her if she is sleeping around. You are setting out your position. You are not telling her what to do.It is up to her whether she wants to go along with it. If not wish her a good life.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurting:
<strong>Thanks everyone,<p>I will tell you this is a painful thing......I am going to talk with her again.........and let her know that if she can not just date me ...then I am getting on with my life. I have to be honest with myself. And I KNOW I would go nuts knowing she is with others. I know she will see this as controlling. Something happened to her, she seems on a mission to show her independence. She feels I want her, because I do not want anyone else to have her. One of the issues is the fact she doesn't want to be controlled. I can not tell you how many times I have heard it. Or the statement that she is not a possesion. Any controlling, was definitely sub concious. I guess the controlling she felt was my voicing an opinion that her actions bothered me.<p>Anyway, I am feeling nervous about this conversation. But will have it for sure........I need some resolution, I just can not waiver in the wind</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Of course it is painful, you love her very much. But don't let your emotions dictate the correct course of action that your head tells you to take.<p>Just watch what happens as far as the issue of 'control' is concerned when you tell her that it's over between you two and goodbye. She's going to try to convince you that you don't love her and that she truly wants to reconcile, yadda,yadda,yadda. You'll see who is the one trying to control who.<p>I hope that you choose what is best for you in the long run.<p>Joe

Sounds just like my WS/W the:<p>I want this over here - OM<p>I need this over here - H<p>AT this point your wife knows her needs are not being met by OM, but he fulfils her fantasy of a vain imagination. OM is probably meeting 2 of 5 needs in her life where as you probably meet 3 of 5 therefore she' torn, she probably knows OM is a scumbag and fears something she could not stand longterm with him, but she's addicted....the 2 needs met example is what she's caught up in.<p>I know its painful but also at the same time depending on how you handle things, you could take it as "even after OM and all your dates, you still want big daddy back" I must be some kinda man, not to bad of a guy after all.<p>My DV to be final in 3 weeks, I'm anxous to see my wife live her fantasy because she has no ethics about men at this point and she begged to let marriage go....We'll see how green the grass is very soon. She keeps on insisting being friends rather than conversing parents that handle kids business. I would be careful with her and set some bounderies, right now it does not seem like it, but she needs you more than you need her, you're just hurting and wanting right now and can't see it, she's displaying a weakness not strength.... <p> Good Luck!!

Regarding the control issue, although there may of been some of this in the relationship, most WS view anything that the BS does as control. This helps them justify their actions and that they are the victum, part of the Fog. You should try to avoid anything that gives them ammunication, but sometimes you just have to state how things are and protect yourself, the WS will view it as control but sometimes there is no choice.
Dave

Thanks again, Your words of encouragement really do help me. <p>I talked with my Ex last night......told her I was uncomfortable with her suggestion to keep dating others while seeing me too. I told her it would hurt to bad.<p>As I expected, she got mad and said why can't we try it her way. She fears that if she gaqve up her life for me...that I would pull away again and she would be left with nothing again. I will admit I have pulled away in the recent past. I pulled away as I was bothered by her insistence to not give our reconciliation a real effort. I told her how I felt, and she says she doesn't view it as a reconcialtion. She views it as us starting a new relationship. And she would not commit to anyone right now. At the same time, she tells me she loves me. She would hope something would develop between us, but just can't commit.<p>I reiterated, all I was asking for was a month or two of exclusive dating. She won't. She has her reasons I guess. I just hope one of them is not that she doesn't love me. Even though, we are not moving forward, I am still stuck in love with her. As dumb as I may sound, the thought she may love me still makes me some how feel better.<p>I am struggling to even write this, I love her so much. It is going to be hard, not to call, email or see her. I feel like I want to send her an email right now. I know this is the right thing, my brain tells me so. BUt my heart is dying, it is in such pain.

Hurting,
Have you read "Passionate Marriage" by David Schlarch? It may help...<p>Sweden

Sweden,
Thanks I will look for that...........<p>
After last night, I almost sent her an email and guess what...............I didn't...but she ended up calling me to say hi..............I am not sure what she is thinking............<p>I think she trully thinks it is possible that we can still be best friends.................

I tell you what she is thinking. She needs to keep you on the backburner just in case she does not find some other stud to marry. The point you need to believe is that if she truly loved you and really wanted to reconcile she would NOT be screwing around with other men. My advice to you is to detach, detach and detach from her.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tomaz:
<strong>I tell you what she is thinking. She needs to keep you on the backburner just in case she does not find some other stud to marry. The point you need to believe is that if she truly loved you and really wanted to reconcile she would NOT be screwing around with other men. My advice to you is to detach, detach and detach from her.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Ditto.<p>Joe

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurting:
<strong>Thanks again, Your words of encouragement really do help me. <p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>1. Your wife is being very selfish.
2. She is still as bad as any person still in the fog and married - wants the best of both worlds.
3. She must be ONE IN A MILLION if you are REALLY prepared to wait for her.
4. Question yourself VERY carefully - is it really worth putting yourself through all this anguish and pain?
5. Like my wife has done to me for 2 years after her affair - she has played me like a fiddle as I was always the willing puppy.
6. Do you REALLY love her that much? Or is it that you are still going through the trauma of losing her?
7. Yes, I am sure your self-confidence, like mine has taken a terrible bashing and many of us can vouch for that.
8. Have you tried dating anyone else? Its always worth a try and you could find someone out there that will help you rebuild your confidence.
9. She doesnt really know what she wants herself by the sounds of things - BUT - it is not helping you yourself in the least by doing what you are doing.
10. Dr. Dobson's "Tough Love" principle? Worth a try?<p>Just some thoughts.