Hello,<P>I am new to this forum. I have been checking it out for a while, my husband & I actually did an emotional needs questionnaire that we found here. It was enlightening. However, I am struggling with an issue. We have been mariied for almost a year now & he has expressed the need to have anal sex with me. I am at a loss for words. To my knowledge he is not gay, neither does he have any gay thoughts (that I know of). We are both christians & I feel quite strongly that this must be wrong. Surely that is not what God intends is it? How do I handle this? I keep saying no to him but I am afraid that he will seek it elsewhere. We have a great sex-life otherwise. I am not comfortable with even the thought...but I want to keep my husband happy. Can anyone tell me where this might be coming from?

A number of men (and some women) find this intriguing...it has nothing to do with being gay. But, since you are not comfortable with it, it is something you and your H need to discuss...you should not do it if you are opposed to it. <P>Personally, I do not think that religion has anything to do with it...just the couple's individual preferences. It boils down to comunicating openly and lovingly with each other, and determining what each of you is willing to try.<P>

You need to research ALL the medical implications of anal sex before trying it. These days many gay men are walking around in Depends undergarments because the sphincter is so over-stretched they are anally incontinent. Be extremely careful about bacterial infections and cross-contamination. Yeast infections can be introduced by this too. <P>Not all couples are find oral sex safe and risk free because the microbiology of a human mouth is very different, and more complex, from the microbiology of the vagina. If you have yeast or bacterial infections you need to think hard about what it is you are giving your enthusiastic agreement to!<P>------------------<BR>"A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us." Marvin J. Ashton

Just because your husband wants to try something new, that doesn't make him Gay. Anal sex is practiced by alot of heterosexual couples, there is a tremendous amount of writings, etc (non-pornographic) about it. Check out amazon.com. You will find lots of good information. As to diseases, etc. As long as you are careful and in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Personally, I think there's only one important factor in this decision. While the risk of infection, religious beliefs, etc. are important, it all comes down to this: "I am not comfortable with even the thought." Don't forget the POJA - any action requires enthusiastic agreement by both spouses. End of story.

Clearly, you have zero interest in anal sex. In the words of my ex "that's just something he wants".<P>First, disease, homosexuality and whatever aside, it is extremely painful. If you aren't interested, you aren't interested. Making anal love is not part of satisfying his needs. And if you're concerned that by not doing it, he will go elsewhere, darlin, he may just be lookin for a reason to leave. <P>Sex and deviations from straight sex are very personal. Yes indeed, the risks of infection from this form of sex are greatly increased because of the likelihood of bleeding. But ultimately, somebody who loves you would never ask you to do something that you are uncomfortable with, feel very strongly about with respect to religion, and have never done before and would cause you terrific pain.<P>As far as where it's coming from, I would venture to say it's coming from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Wanna see something up somebody's rear? Just look on the internet - and that is where I suggest you direct him when he asks you about it again. You need to make it clear, you are not going to do it. You aren't interested in it, you find it repugnant. And above all else, somebody who cares about you would never inflict physical pain on you - let me reiterate, it hurts like hell.<P>that's my .02

Pondering this one....hmm....<P>I wouldn't categorize anal sex as an emotional "need." But your H has expressed it as a sexual desire. Has he perhaps had anal sex pre-marriage? Just wondering.<P>I also agree with kam and boomer that this is not necessarily a gay issue, since homosexuals and heterosexual engage in it. <P>My H also expressed interest in anal sex. We experimented with it by agreement. I found it pleasurable but my H was willing to go slowly with lots of lubrication, and he understands "no" means "no." Seemed to be more of a phase than a regular request.<P>Your H may find the idea of it thrilling and "forbidden." It's a rather exotic deviation to many. The canal is certainly tighter (sorry so graphic) and it could be the thought of possessing you in every way possible that intrigues him. Also, as Spandau replied, porn sites offer views of it galore. <P>Should you decide to attempt this with H, I'd advise use of a condom, lots of lubrication, and your H's promise of slow patience and to immediately stop when you say so. He absolutely must NOT switch to vaginal intercourse without absolute cleanliness. I think he'll find that although it may be exciting, it isn't as satisfying as regular intercourse due to the slowness and care required.<P>You might be able to fulfill his request by use of fantasies including anal sex while making love instead.<P>

Thank you for your honest replies. My husband thinks that if I am unwilling to even try that I am being insensitive to his needs. He sulks a bit whenever the topic comes up, my answer is almost always non-commital. Whenevr we make love, he tries to "go there" but does not force me when I say no. How do I get him to understand that I am not comfortable? He cannot seem to grasp that! <p>[This message has been edited by I'mafool (edited March 29, 2000).]

I'm assuming that you've already told him, flat-out, that you just are not comfortable with it? <P>How about telling him that you love him, want to excite him, but just are not comfortable with this...what else might he like to try? Sometimes I think men just want variety...maybe he has something else he'd like to try, or a fantasy ya'll could act out that doesn't involve this. <BR>Whatever you do, don't make any judgements about this practice that would make him feel you disapprove of him, tho...<BR>

I'm a Fool<P> Don't forget about POJA !!!. I'm a male and it sounds to me like he is only interested in trying it out. He wants to know if it is a better "High".<P> If he wants to get a real high I would suggest the two of you make love while looking into each others eyes. For my wife and myself it has been very intense. You feel very connected you feel in touch with the others soul. It is not easy but there is just something about it when you get to fully experience each others feelings as well as your our.<P> It wasn't my idea I got it off the web at<BR> <A HREF="http://www.thirdage.com/features/love/valentine/sb01.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.thirdage.com/features/love/valentine/sb01.html</A> <P>Check it out, I think you'll find the rewards are far greater.<P>Joe<BR>

Dear I'm a fool,<P>I'm with you girl. I feel the same way!! My H has expressed a desire for the same thing in the past, and I am not comfortable with the idea let alone the action. My H respects that, and hasn't asked again. I believe that it comes down to a matter of respect, your H should respect your wishes, and care enough about you to also respect your limits. You shouldn't have to feel "guilted" into something you don't want to do. I'm sure you would respect any limits he might have regarding the same kind of issues. Be honest with him, and firm.....he should respect your decision.

I once felt just like you. I had anal sex in a previous relationship, and it was painful and abusive. In short, it was a horrible experience.<P>When I met and married my H, he expressed an interest in anal sex. I flat out said NO WAY! I also told him of my one previous experience. He said he would be very gentle, but I wouldn't hear of it.<P>Well, in the last few months we have been having problems, and he was increasingly wanting to experience different sexual encounters (not gay stuff, but sex w/2 women, sex in public places, increasingly adveturous sex, etc.) Yes, he saw all this on the internet, yes, I think he is in a midlife crisis, and yes, his emotional needs had not been met in a long time.<P>Okay, so, I brought up the possibility of having anal sex. I was scared to death, but didn't want to hurt my marriage more because of a previous experience that wasn't his fault. Anyway, I had a glass of wine, we spent a lot of time being close, then he proceeded very slowly, all the while staying in touch with my feelings. <P>I have to say, it was one of the more pleasurable experiences I have ever had with my H. We have done it a couple of times since, and only if I wanted to. I was a little sore the first time, but not bad at all. Anyway, now all of a sudden, he is more interested in me than his other sexual desires (with other people, ie: internet affairs).<P>As far as is this what God intended? I am very religious, and I really don't think this is wrong. You are experiencing something very intimate with your husband and not somebody else. Is that wrong? <P>I'm not telling you to do it, if you really feel strongly against it, I'm just telling you that I felt the same way about anal sex until I experienced it with someone I had complete trust and love with.