I am someone who has posted many times over the two years since I've been here. I haven't been around much lately though.<p>Because my ex-spouse (and current spouse) reads here at times, I feel the need to be incognito for now. I apologize for this, because it goes against the idea of honesty, which I believe in. But it seems best for now.<p>This is not some game for you to figure out who I am, for that is not my reason in posting. My reason is to get some help. I've noticed that I'm not alone in my feelings. A few others have written about just this kind of thing lately. <p>In the last month or so, I've read some posts by women mostly who regret their divorces. It seems that in the threads I read, the women began rebound relationships, and later realized that they should have stayed with their exes. <p>So that we have a point of reference, I am remarried, and it was a rebound relationship. That's why I feel a kinship with the women who wrote. <p>So, why am I writing? I am another of the women who realizes, only now, that I put my heart in the hands of not just one man, but two. <p>I loved my first H very much, and was devistated when the marriage ended. That should have been a clue to me to take time for myself and learn to be independent, but instead I used it as an excuse to run out and find someone else to love and care for me. <p>That my first H cheated on me wasn't a reason to lose myself, but it sure took my self-esteem and battered it into a pulp. <p>While still in the marriage, I didn't stop to figure out the "reasons" he wandered. Oh, I know he is solely resposible for the affairs. But I helped make the marriage an awful place for him to come home to. <p>I'd gotten very heavy from the children, was a 1st class nag, wanted him to make more money than he could ever make with his education, wanted him to help with the housework when he worked two jobs outside of the house to support us. In short, I hated him for his affairs, and never tried to see my part in the destruction of our marriage.<p>Then he had the last affair, and I left him. Only then did he realize the impact of his actions. I turned around, met someone else before the divorce was even final, and married him. <p>The man I married is very sweet. He has never hurt me in any way. If he knew how strongly I regret this marriage, he would be devistated. It seems to me that there is nothing he can do to make things better. He's already doing the best he can, and I love him for it. The problem, as they say, is me. <p>I've been around here long enough to know that I need to be honest somehow, and maybe get some counseling with my husband. I wonder if these feelings will ever go away. I know find myself in the uneviable position of being in love with two men: My ex and my H. <p>Too many have written about this recently to be an oddity. <p>I read the responses to the others who wrote, and it seems to point to working out the marriage I am now in, and forgetting my ex. How do I forget him?<p>Can someone guide me, help me, give me some advice? I really, really want this marriage to work.<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Learned the Hard Way ]<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Learned the Hard Way ]</p>

Dear LTHW,<p>Your post really tugged at my heart, because your sadness and regret are oozing through your words. I am not in your position, but I do have a sense of what I think you need to do.<p>You need to spend your time and energy looking forward. By that, I mean that you need to focus on the marriage and the man that you currently have. Accept that you will ALWAYS love your first H, who is the father of your children. Do not expect that love to go away 100%, as it likely never will completely fade. You have the memories and the good feelings of the good times - cherish those. But, also know that you gave your marriage the best shot you could during the time the two of you were together. For whatever reasons, your marriage was not strong enough to weather the storms. Quit beating yourself up over that fact. Also, don't fantasize about your past marriage. Be honest with yourself. It had some major problems, you tried to save it, but it didn't survive.<p>So, even though you jumped into the frying pan immediately, look at all the positives. You have a good man by your own description. You have a man who loves you and is giving his all to this relationship with you, despite all that each of you has been through. Gosh, there are so many people who would envy what you have right now. Be grateful for that.<p>Having said that, let me also remind you that you have likely not completed the grieving process over your first marriage ending. You used the new relationship as a diversion to keep from having to deal with the pain, anger and disappointment of the first relationship ending. Ok, accept that a part of you still needs to grieve and process the loss of your first love - your exH. Give yourself more time on this one, please.<p>I think you are expecting too much right now. I think is normal for you to still have a lingering type of love for your first H. But, do not let that interfere with the love you have for your second H. Your efforts and energy need to be in strengthening the relationship you have now. Please do the work. You have to learn NOW how to build and sustain love in your current relationship, or you are doomed to be another statistic that isn't pretty. Get yourself into counseling immediately, if you aren't already there. Call Steve Harley TODAY. Start to put into practice the tools the Harley's have laid out for a successful marriage. Spend your best time with your current H and try to meet his EN's. Give yourself and your new marriage a fighting chance by not thinking that the "grass is greener" elsewhere than where you currently are.<p>May God bless you and give you strength to build and sustain your marriage, Desiree

Hi Roll Me Away,<p>I was sitting in front of the computer hoping someone would answer this. I feel pretty foolish about now. I am a grown woman who really did know better.<p>You are right, of course. I need to look forward with my husband. I detest that this regret lives inside of me, as I know it eats away at me, and will ultimately cause me to resent my husband. I would hate for that to happen!<p>I did check on the couseling with the Harley's and it's very expensive. More than we can afford right now. He is certainly meeting my needs, and I am meeting his. We talked about this over the weekend. He knows I'm hurting, but doesn't know what to do to help me. <p>Thank you for your kind and understanding reply.

Hi LTHW. RMA gave you some excellent advise and there is not much I can add to hers.<p>There is a difference between you and the other women that you mentioned in your post, and that difference, IMNSHO, is that you did not cause the death of your M by having an A like they did (or your first H). They are suffering not only because they married on the rebound before they had a chance to close the last emotional chapter on their first Ms, but more so because they threw away a good M and a good S for a fantasy that was not worth it. So as you can see, at least you've got something to hold your head high about, and, like RMA said, you have to give your second M a chance to weather this emotional storm caused by the end of your first M.<p>I would suggest that, for the time beign, you avoid as much as possible beign alone with your first H because of the danger of starting an EA/PA that can destroy your second M. I understand that you had children with your first H,and that avoiding contact with him might not be a practical solution, so if the need arises to talk to him directly regarding issues about your children, that you take your H with you to avoid any intimate setting that may facilitate the bringing forth of those strong attraction feelings that you still have for him.<p>Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.<p>Joe

LTHW,<p>Do not feel foolish. You are not experiencing anything that many people do not feel after a divorce - some semblances of regret, of one nature or another.<p>A divorce "solves" some problems and "creates" others. It is just that the dust has settled in your life, so to speak, so now you are having to deal with these feelings. I understand about the Harley counseling being expensive, as I have been counsled by Steve myself. Yet, how costly would another divorce be for you?? Not just financialy, but emotionally as well?? You are primed for a divorce or an affair. I say that not to hurt or demean you, but I am truly concerned that you are very vulnerable in your current state of unhappiness.<p>You need to get the best help you can afford. Find a local counselor or a clergy man/woman. If that is not possible, please find a close friend or confidante. Your work has to begin with YOU and your EXPECTATIONS. To me, this is the root of most of our problems and unhappiness. Something does not go the way we EXPECT it to go and then we become miserable an unhappy and can't see a way to resolve all of this unhappiness. You need to find ways to find ways to accept things that can not be changed, develop realistic expectations, look around you and be able to SEE all the good things you do have vs. dwelling on what you don't have, etc. You just need to be comfortable in your own skin.<p>This is not just about the dynamics of your current and past relationships, either. Life is going to continue to throw curve balls at you and you need to be able to respond and weather any other storms that may come into your life in the future.<p>Your happiness is your responsibility. You are not being foolish for feeling the way you currently do. However, you might be called foolish if you do nothing about the feelings that you currently have, because they will lead to further unhappiness for you.<p>Please do get into counseling immediately for YOU.
You are in my thoughts and prayers today, Desiree

Hi TooMuchCoffeeMan,<p>I don't know if there's that much difference between me and the other women because I met my H before my divorce was final. This is something I have wrestled with myself. <p>I agree that I should not spend time alone with my ex, and I rarely talk to him at all lately. I have had a few discussions with him over the last year, but I never give any indication that I miss him as more than a friend. That sounds so funny, I suppose. What I mean is that I do miss him, but I won't let him know how much. Mostly, it is because I know how wrong it is to talk to him about it, since I am married. If he happened to feel the same way, I would be caught in the middle, and could begin an affair with him. I don't want that to happen. In fact, it makes me sick to my stomach to think of it.<p>What a mess. The man I had children with, the man I loved so much, I can't even talk to about real feelings. That hurts.<p>Hi Roll Me Away,<p>What a sweet message that makes me feel much better, really.<p>When you say that a divorce "solves" some problems and "creates" others, you sure do speak as someone who knows the truth. <p>You say I am primed for a divorce or an affair. I promise you, I will never have an affair. I am very careful around my ex because of my fear of that. I love my H very, very much, and don't ever want to hurt him like that. Now divorce, yes, I am somewhat concerned about that. Sonny and Cher sang about love not paying the rent, and it doesn't solve all problems either. <p>We honestly cannot afford paid therapy, but I hadn't thought of finding a clergy member. I will talk to my H about that. <p>I did speak to my H about my concerns for our marriage. I did also talk a little bit about my ex, and my feelings of something not being resolved with him. I explained that I don't love my ex as a H anymore, not like I did while we were married, and that I loved him (my H) very much. He was upset, but said he understood. He also came out of a long term marriage, and some days are still difficult for him too. <p>You're right about expectations. I had too many, and they were unrealistic. I am the one who will make or break my happiness. I will think on these things.<p>Thank you both for your responses.<p>[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: Learned the Hard Way ]</p>

Learned the Hard Way, <p>First, just so you are told out loud, I'm glad you came here and spoke your real feelings out loud. That's a scary step to take, but I think it will help you to express the feelings rather than bury them deep within yourself. So, good job!! I'm proud of you!! Your courage is showing.<p>Second, I think people often think that once they divorce, the burdens of dealing with their X will fall away and they will be free...free to live and love "as they deserve to be loved." That's kind of what you thought would happen, huh? You wouldn't have to deal with your X's affairs anymore, or be hurt by him, and you would be free to be loved by a gentle, kind and thoughtful man who would NEVER have an affair on you. Right? <p>What people rarely understand is that you trade in the troubles with H#1--and the pain and the hurt from him--for the troubles with H#2...plus there are issues of stepkids, and money issues (due to him paying child support, etc.), and the Xs are still in BOTH of your lives because of kids...<p>OY!!! <p>So, the truth of the matter is that reality has broken into your "fantasy" of being perfectly happy and perfectly loved. <p>Now, here's what you can do about it. Learned the Hard Way, you are where you are now. There is no going back (not that I think you want to, but you know what I mean), and you can not do the past over again to get it right this time. So, for you to sit and dwell on the past, and who met whom when, and who had affairs...that is all moot. My friend, do not be ashamed of where you are. You just are where you are. <p>So, be honest about where you are RIGHT NOW, and then try to deal with it. Don't ask yourself questions like, "Why did I do this?" because those "Why" questions point to the past. Instead ask "How" and "What" questions, like "How can I improve my position? How can I make my marriage more happy? How can I improve my mood? How am I contributing to this sadness?" or "What do I need to do to feel happier? What can I ask my H and friends to do for me? What can I do for myself to take care of myself?" These questions look to the present or future AND can move you forward.<p>I would also encourage you to lean on your friends and your husband for support and encouragement. Don't be afraid to let others help you, or to even ASK them to help you. It is a blessing to others to be able to "be there" for you, so let them bless you. Be courageous and ASK for help. Reach out. I know that's hard, but you can do it. <p>Finally, I would suggest that you allow yourself to grieve, but maybe not for what you THINK--grieve for the loss of the ILLUSION. See, I think you may have grieved for the loss of your first marriage (I can't tell), but I think right now you are in a state of grief because you have lost your illusion of "perfect, happy, wedded bliss". We all go into a relationship with some idea that "it's going to be perfect"--sort of like a fairytale. It goes like this: "He'll be tall and handsome and gentle and loving and tender, and I'll FINALLY be loved for the very special person I am. We will be happy in each other's arms, and love each other until our dying breath...and love will conquer all." Well, that is a dream. You know it as well as I do. But we still dream it, and now reality is hitting you in the face so hard that you are in a state of grief because you have lost your ILLUSION. <p>Hold a funeral. Wear black. Write a eulogy. Do whatever mourning rituals are appropriate for a DEATH, because the illusion has DIED. Then BURY it! Burn it (or cremate it--whatever)! And let it go. Make a marker (like a rock) in your flowerbed or garden to remind you that your illusion is dead--rest in peace. <p>Hope that helps ya! {{Learned the Hard Way}}<p>
CJ

Hi Faithful Wife,<p>I was just hoping to get another response before I left this evening.<p>I will take all the advice I've been given and have a funeral for my expectations. That's a wonderful idea.<p>I'll let you all know how it goes. Since it's lighter later, I can even begin tonight. I will write my expectations down and begin the process of letting go.<p>Thank you for the great idea!

Learned the Hard Way, <p>Just so you know...I did this exact thing. It helped me to have SOMETHING to do, and not just sit there and grieve.<p>I mourned for the loss of my marriage (during the time when my H was with OW), so I actually did most of the Jewish mourning rituals: I covered the mirrors, lit a memorial candle, said the mourning prayer every day for a week, wore a torn black ribbon... stuff like that. It helped a little for my mind to accept the fact that the marriage I thought I had was dead. I had thought I was special...I had thought our marriage would be different and we would make it...<p>Then, later on I realized that I was also grieving over the loss of the illusion too!! This was actually a MUCH greater grief, because I didn't want to let the illusion go. I wanted to believe in the Cinderella Fairytale thing. So...I mourned again. To be honest, I still mourn sometimes, because I WANT to believe in happily ever after and a man who will love me perfectly and meet all my needs effortlessly. <p>Is there anything I can help you with? Do you want to talk??<p>CJ

This is a great idea! I think it would be symbolic and therapeutic, too. Thanks, CJ, for giving her such a ggreat idea!<p>Desiree