I have problems with my husband that primarily stem from his dishonesty (current and past) and from his lack of affection toward me. Last yr. I discovered he was frequenting internet porn sites and chat rooms. When I confronted him, he completely denied it. When I told him I had proof, he admitted it and promised he would never do it again. Without even looking for it, I discovered he was doing it again a year later. Again, he denied it until I had proof. I don't nec. condemn him for looking at porn sites, but he could have been spending time w/me instead. I am totally against chat rooms and believe they lead to other dangerous activities. What bothered me most was his secrecy and his lies. <P>We are now going through other problems having to do with his time away from home. He has a demanding career, but has recently opted to spend his free time going out for drinks until very late (coming home at 5am one time rec.) instead of spending time with me or his 2 kids. He says he deserves to have a good time. <P>Aware of my growing concern, he spent half a day and topped it off with drinks and dinner with an old colleague. This wonan is single and has dated married men before. He knew I didn't want him to go out with her, but he went anyway. They share pet names and all sorts of private jokes. <P>During a recent blow up, where divorce was discussed, I told him that their rel. made me uncomfortable and I wanted him to cease the relationship. At first he was furious. He claims they're close friends and he treasures their friendship. He finally agreed to stop their relationship, since it bothered me so much. <P>A few days later I asked if he had spoken to her. He said no. I then bluffed and said I had called her and she told me differently. He admitted that he called her but didn't talk to her--- so technically he wasn't lying. <P>I'm not sure I can ever trust him about anything. He claims he's not having affair with her, nor has he with anyone. He wants to be trusted, but I don't think he's earned it. <P>Why does he lie? Is he having an affair?<BR>Any advice on how to save a 10yr marraige w/2kids and another baby on the way? <P>

Janet:<P>Run, don't walk to any bookstore, that has, "Winning your husband back before it's too late", by Gary Smalley. And read it. You are more fortunate than you know that you and your H are still together. I am alone. I found the "wife" version of that book after my beautiful, young wife of five years ran away. I can't say in hindsight that it would of helped save my marriage, but I would put pretty good odds on it having changed my behavior in time to have saved all the pain. That book and a couple of others have kept me sane and helped me to understand what happened. Please don't let it happen to you. Run! I mean it. Good luck.

Janet--<P>Read everything you can at this website. It's filled with valuable information that makes sense as you read and absorb it. Keep reading and posting.<P>Your H is involved in an emotional affair (EA). His emotional needs are somehow not being met by you. (And in reverse, yours are not being adequately met either.) I would suggest printing Dr. Harley's basic concepts and sharing them with your H. Both of you take the emotional needs questionnaire and discuss your answers calmly, really listening to each other without throwing blame. Accept each other's honest answers and start working on how both of you can begin meeting each other's needs again. <P>You can build an even BETTER relationship than you had before once you establish good communication techniques. A book I highly recommend that runs parallel with Dr. Harley's advices is "We can Work It Out--How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other," by Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman. It teaches good communication skills. <P>If you can get your H to attend marriage counseling sessions, go for it. If not, keep working on the relationship yourself. Have you read what Plan A is? <P>I'd venture a guess there are a lot of stresses going on in your lives. Work, kids, finances, relating w/each other differently. Not to mention the EA. What do you think your specific stresses are?<BR>

You asked several questions that I have been recently asking myself about my relationship. He lies because he is afraid of being honest. He is afraid of what this might tell him about himeslf and his raltionship with you.<P>My husband began frequenting porn sites early in our marriage. It wasn't due to lack of sex, I think it was due to more of a lack of self pleasure, the chase, and that he was not considering my emotions. I caught him one day, as he was posing as a female in a bi-sexual site, and we talked and put an end to this type of behavior. This should have been the first sign that communication in my marriage was lacking.<P>Recently, I just found out that he had an affiar with a co-worker. She was pretty and someone he could talk to. It was that spark that we once had, of finding out about each other again- the investigating part, and he became rekindled. He didn't even think to share this information with me, how our marriage was suffering and how communication was breaking down. Relationships should be between you and your husband, not between your husband and other women. This causes strain on the relationship. Plus, if he is not having an affair now, it may lead into an unintentional, unplanned one where you end up getting more hurt in the process.<P>It also sounds like you are having more problems than what you posted. I would suggest that you join a women's support group or even consider therapy to help you get back on the right track to appreciating the special person you are.<P>One more thing, if you do find out that he is betraying you, there is a book by Alice May called Surviving Betrayal that provides meditations for women. It has helped me cope a lot.<P>Good luck!

Thanks all for the advice. I took two points of action. I ordered Harley's audio book Give and Take and also called a marraige counselor. It took a great deal of courage for me to call, but I never spoke to one. I think that my calling convinced my H that we had a serious problem. My H and I have started to work things out on our own. He has been moderately responsive to some of my important requests that will help me to rebuild my trust in him. He swears he's never been unfaithful to me nor has he had an emotional affair. Perhaps I am naive, but I believe him. Maybe I desperately want to believe it. He's brought flowers, made an effort to call from work often, has improved with being patient with the kids and has become more affectionate-- all within a week. I'm just hoping it continues and improves. I am optimistic. We both want to be happy and grow old together. We just need to readjust to each other's changing needs. In listening to Harley's audio book, I realized that I had some changes to make too. Thanks so much for your support and replies.

Thanks for the feedback about lying. I'm sure my husband has lied to me because he is afraid to tell me things honestly. Just when I thought things were getting better, I reviewed his cell phone bills and found calls to a sex toy shop, a hotel,-- I was even suspicious of calls to a city bakery. (He works in a big city,we live in a suburb). When I asked him about the calls to a sex shop, he denied it. Then he admitted he called. Then admitted he went. I know it was probably a scary thing to admit, but my fear is he's purchased something to use with someone else, because I haven't seen anything. He claims he was just looking.<P>Later that same day, I found a brochure and two ticket stubs in his briefcase. The tickets were to a city museum, during a work day-- also on a day where our marraige was at a boiling point. <P>I have threatened divorce, sure he is having an affair. He claims that he noticed the brochure on someone's desk and said he'd like to read about it. He took it and there just happen to be ticket stubs inside. <P>He swears he isn't cheating and never has. A part of me believes him, but I also feel like I am being fooled big time. <P>Am I crazy? Do these things seem awfully suspicious to anyone who has been through this before? Have I gone too far in checking phone bills, coat pockets, briefcase, etc.?<P>I'm demanding proof that he did not go to that museum, or it is over. He has refused to see a marraige counselor. I hate to throw a marraige away after 10 years. My kids are very young and would suffer quite a bit. Another baby is on the way. <P>Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm very sad, depressed and scared, but I feel like I have to take serious action.

No, you have not gone too far. Get yourself checked for STDs and practice safe sex until HE earns your trust back. Tell him maybe you are paranoid because of the hormones or whatever, but he broke trust by behaving inappropriately even if he didn't do the entire Kama Sutra with her. Keep close tabs. <P>If he rebels its because he has something to hide. Hope you can really practice safe sex. I wouldn't trust him as far as that goes. Condoms do not prevent transmission of herpes. And he doesn't have to break out to give it to you. <P>How can you Trust him now? Your baby's future is at stake. Can you really risk doing Plan A when he hasn't come clean in confession? Not even admitting the emotional aspects?!! <P>You have more than enough proof and confession already. Just assume the worst. Your proving that they had actually had genital intercourse is probably what it would take to get him to admit he did anything wrong. <P>If you want to keep working on it, try Plan A from a very safe posture. Would he go to a pastor or priest with you to deal with "your" insecurities perhaps?<P>Best wishes from an EA betrayer. (I know we lie.)<P>Love, K<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Janet--Try to stay calm and take care of yourself. You’re not going to do ANYbody any good if you wear out worrying. Deep breaths. You’ll get through this, just keep telling yourself that POSITIVELY. <P>Okay, a couple of questions (and you’ve probably already checked this), do the dates of the cell phone calls, esp. the call to the adult store and the hotel, relate? Is there a date of the museum ticket stubs? You certainly have some “damaging” evidence already and I can see it would certainly be easy to suspect the worst! <P>I want you to think about something. He is lying to you. As destructive as that is, it also means he doesn’t want to leave you. I would suggest you don’t do anything rash right now if you want to save your marriage. I really feel the first thing you must work on is COMMUNICATION. If you threaten dire consequences, you force his hand in a negative way whether he’s able to provide proof or not. More resentments will build. <P>You both need to start talking in a safe way. I really do recommend that book in my earlier reply--my H and I are finally communicating effectively and that was a feat indeed!<P>Your H will open up in talk if he feels comfortable. If he doesn’t, all you’re going to get is more lies. When you threaten, lash out, cry, ignore, etc., the vicious cycle continues. Break that cycle by remaining as calm as possible. You can certainly convey your feelings, but keep your tones non-threatening. <P>Hang in there, okay?<P>Laura<P>

Sorry to report some really bad news. After I got your responses, I printed them and shared with my H. His response was that you can't listen to strangers, no one knows what goes on in a rel except the couple, and these are all people who have only seen the worst. He continued to swear he wasn't lying about anything.<P>This morning I still had my suspicions. I checked up on a corp. card bill and discovered a romantic book ordered @Valentines Day. I know I received nothing. I called at work and left a voice mail wanted to know who it was sent to. He immed. left his desk and came home. I didn't want to come home to talk, but it was my only oppty to do so w/o my kids around.<P>He finally admitted that he's been "corresponding" with a woman he'd met at a bookstore. She lives in london and flies to NY on business every once in a while. They've sent each other gifts, go out to lunch, dinner and went to that museum just a week ago. The hotel call was to her where she was staying. Even the "bakery" call was rel. to her. He thought about buying her a cake. THis is an exotic bakery---i.e. sex cakes. <P>So he had called me crazy. I was making this all up. Now that he has been found out, he says he is telling me all this to get a fresh start. He claims they never had sex, held hands, kissed, etc. He doesn't feel he's had an affair. It was just a friendship, that I wouldn't understand. THat's why he didn't tell me.<P>Needless to say, I am devastated. I don't believe that "nothing" happened. I just don't think I can stay married to a man who has deceived me . Oh by the way-- this has been going on since september 99. <P>I called an emer. session w/ marraige counselor. That wasn't helpful to me. My H blames me for ignoring him and his needs. I drove him to it. My H wants to work it out, but he's never said he's sorry, no remorse, just anger at my reaction which is--- this is grounds for divorce. I don't want him in this house. I know that divorce will destroy my 5 year old. I am only hanging on for him, but I honestly can't say I can really ever stand to be with my H again.<P>My H told the counselor he would provide me access to his email and voice mail to rebuild trust. When I later told him I wanted the info for a year, he was furious and said I won't live like that! <P>I made him call the OW and had him leave a message to call our home. I want to talk w/her and understand the nature of the rel. Even if there was no touching, sex , etc., I still don't think I could ever love or trust him again. <P>I'm devastated, angry, scared and worried about my mental and phys. health, espec. being almost 5 mos. pregnant.<P>Can this be saved? I have so little hope.