Below is an e-mail I want to send to the MC after our session last night. I need advice on what to do. Please help.<p>Through reading, support group and therapy, I am working on myself. I am learning to identify my behaviors and to eliminate/modify bad behaviors and reactions. I am trying to deal with the false guilt, but have not yet released the feelings caused by Ed’s emotional abuse (whether voluntary or involuntary). However, I now see a little more clearly the manipulation he tries. I am not comfortable discussing reconciliation with Ed. I felt sick to my stomach after leaving your office last night. Our relationship was not healthy for me, mentally or physically. It’s taken me a long time to realize that, and I had been denying it my whole marriage. I need to understand why I allowed the abuse to continue, and cannot even imagine subjecting myself to that situation again.<p>Our separation has given me the time and space to work on myself. I miss my children terribly since he now has them 50% of the time, but need to be a better mother to them. The stress of our marriage negatively impacted my relationship with my children, and Ed’s judgements about my parenting skills impacted my parental confidence.<p>I am in shock that you suggested I need to trust Ed again. I understand that others have been in marriage counseling for years and still can’t resolve their issues. Your analogy of an alcoholic may be accurate. He can’t get help until he understands there is a problem. However, there are many problems in this marriage. The identification of basic communication problems is just the tip of the iceberg. And ice melts slowly at 33 degrees. The emotional abuse is not something to which I can continue to expose myself, and it is not yet something Ed is willing to admit. Since he hasn’t admitted it, it will not get resolved in the near term. I can’t imagine placing myself in such a dangerous situation again.<p>It wasn't a reason to lose myself, but it certainly affected my self-esteem. I see the impact our relationship has had on our children and it isn’t healthy. I’m not willing to risk their future by exposing them to witness this continued abuse. I want a better life for them. Since we’ve split, Ed has spent more time with the children. I can only believe this is healthy for them. I believe that Ed puts his needs first, without considering the needs of his children, his family or his wife. I’ve seen no change in his behavior in this regard and don’t believe he can change his nature.<p>After years of trying to save the marriage, I am finally coming to terms with letting go. I’m not sure how I got to this point, but I am finally accepting that our marriage is over, that I am going to be okay, and that I will have a better life without him. What a great feeling this is... I know I am still going to have my ups and downs, that the road to recovery is still a long road but I will be fine. I also know that while I made my share of mistakes in the marriage, I did everything I could to save it and I can live with this. I also know that I deserve more than what Ed is capable of giving to me. Nothing I have done justifies what he has done to me or our children in our marriage. I woke up one day and said, you know, I'll be ok. I need more than what I'm getting from this relationship and there is no need for me to punish myself any longer by holding on to false hope.<p>I felt that you expected me to congratulate his accomplishment last night. I did not believe that was a significant effort toward resolving our issues. I have continued to lower my expectations throughout our relationship and even lowered expectations have not been met, so forgive me if I choose not to acknowledge such a minimal effort.
I don’t know what to do next. Should we table meeting jointly until you can show me evidence of a breakthrough with Ed? I don’t know whether continued joint meetings are an efficient use of my time. I am still shaken that you would suggest that I continue to expose myself to abuse.<p>--------------------
