Where to start? My head is a mess.... I want to cry... I am angry... I am disappointed.... am I blind?<p>This is what happened...<p>I phoned XH cell to ask him a business question, he is on voice mail, saying some person will get back to you if you leave a number. So contacted his work and they said he had left. I phoned back to ask for a forwarding number or something. And I found out my life....<p>The lady told me XH got married on Saturday. (XH is 30 and Lona is 41 with grown up children). That she had followed him to Durban from Johannesburg (where I live). And apparently that is why my marriage broke up, because of Lona, (I even got her name). This is a different person from the first person he told me about in Oct 2000. I didn't even know that he was having another affair. If he was before we separated or after... I don't know. He told me the woman he is marrying he met in Durban, but now I find out she is from Johannesburg, which I should realise that he was having an affair. How many affairs did this man have? Am I stupid? Gullible? and Naive? Yes! How could I be so damn stupid.<p>This lady that told me says she thinks XH has made a mistake marrying this woman and thinks they are both without jobs... don't know if this is so...<p>How much more pain can I endure? How much more before things get better? When is it my turn to be happy?<p>Pantha

(((((((Pantha))))))))))
You will survive, it's painful, but you will come out of this mess as a winner.
I was/am in your shoes, I thought I'd die but even when I wanted to, I survived.
Please, you are not alone, you are young and you'll have much better life in future. You certainly have friends so do not be alone these first "after schock" days. At least be on Board.
We are with you.
Love
D

Pantha-<p>I am so sorry you had to find things out this way. I wish I could take your hurt away.<p>You are not blind, you loved this man and trusted this man like you were supposed to and he has let you down. <p>It really sucks that we endure so much pain while they walk away seemingly happy, but that's the way it is. <p>You will survive this too. Remember, this isn't about you, it is about him. He is making a mess of his life, so many people see it. Maybe his marriage is God's way of finally releasing you. You can't fix this man and he keeps bringing you down. Trust me I can relate. I know it is hard, but let it go. You deserve happiness, but until you let him go your happiness will be hindered.<p>Look at the positives. You are 28, bright, fun, loving, and wonderful! You are free to do anything you want, be anything you want, go anywhere you want, whatever. This has been hell on you, but you are surviving and with survival comes strength. Use that strength to face this new chapter in your life. Who knows what wonderful things may be just around the corner.<p>I am here to listen whenever you need me. My thoughts and prayers are with you.<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Pantha,<p> you need to practice independence and let him go, it doesn't matter if he had 5 affairs or no affairs, your life is about you, you today and you tomorrow. . .<p>start to look forward and not backwards. . . . you are letting your self doubt get the best of you, and to overcome it, you need to start planning out the rest of your life, your career, your hobbies, your goals and dreams. . . <p>wiftty

B & D thank you so much! I am so glad that you are doing better. I was so worried about you - now you are doing so good! I hope that I will soon be at that stage...<p>Still reeling,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> You are free to do anything you want, be anything you want, go anywhere you want <hr></blockquote>
this is true! And I am gonna remember it! <p>I still haven't heard from XH, and at this point have no way to contact to him. Its fine I guess, I am sure he will contact me for the money that I have agreed to pay him as soon as the house gets registered in my name. It bothers me 'this new marriage' of his... I wonder if he had a church wedding, and if my former MIL and SIL attended. And I have started to realise that he does love this woman, else he would not have married her. I sort of believed he still loved me. He would say things 'if I can't make this work with you, (who I love so much) I couldn't make it work with anyone'. So I guess I need to take off those rose tinted glasses and smell the coffee....<p>Wiffty
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> your life is about you, you today and you tomorrow. . . <hr></blockquote>
this is also true. There is no way to try justify the way my XH chose to live his life, and I guess I still try to do that, put it all into perspective, trying to make sense of it... <p>I do need to plan my life, all my dreams were caught up with XH. I find that I have no motivation to dream, I need to change that. I have started gym this week and go to dance class twice a week. I want to study a new programming language but got distracted from that when I heard this latest news. So I basically need to get motivated, but then I ask myself why? Its different when you are in a relationship and the two of you are working together to build something for the future. <p>Anyway I will try to do this one day at a time for me....<p>
Pantha

Pantha:<p>He won't know if he can make it work with her
until about six months to a year into his marriage..(if not sooner) and that will be when
he call's you in the middle of night telling
you how much he screwed up his life..especially
if they both lost their jobs..<p>And by that time..you'll be able to look at him
and say "I" so sorry your having problems..but
that is not MY problem anymore"<p>If not..you'll end up being the OW in his new marriage... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Pantha-<p>As I read this I can relate to so much. You really have no clue how things will turnout, only time will tell. The question is, how do you want to spend that time? Wasting it focusing on a man who has repeatedly hurt you and is for now with someone new or focusing on you and all the things you want and need. I myself when faced with the same predicament chose me and although it hasn't been all that long, I much prefer my life.<p>The fact is that your X is an addict and over the course of your marriage to him you have lost trust in yourself and become codependent. I know what it's like, I've been there.<p>Have you read any of Melodie Beattie's books? If not read them. They will give you a great starting place for regaining "your" life. This isn't easy, but it is possible. You need to stop living for the dream of what couldv'e been and start living for you.<p>I know you can do this. You are a survivor and this too will pass. Read those books and focus on you!<p>I'm always here.<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Pantha,<p>I'd only be repeating all the good things that have already been said to you. It's really true, you'll get thru it and past it in time - it's so hard tho.<p>You're just seeing the real guy now, the true person you were married to - not the guy you thought he was. I'm another that had been in the same place you are. It does get better and I think that time lets you reshape your life for YOU, and you'll see more clearly that you really don't want the REAL him. I can tell you that a little over a year after divorce and almost 2 years of heck before that, I'm doing really well now. I moved back near my family, and the rest of how well I'm doing-I had to delete for fear that my computer guru X visits this site to spy on me. I wish I could tell you of the outright miracles I have had, but don't want him to know anything about me anymore. I can't honestly say I'm completely happy just yet, but content and at peace. My X took a lot of my options and choices away from me for my future (ie, he gave me health problems from all his affairs), but I'm starting to think that may be a blessing in disguise anyway when I read and hear about all the problems of remarriage (ie, the high possibility of children be abused especially and all the other stuff). Sometimes ya just have to count the hardships as blessings that make you stronger in the long run.<p>The hardest part is getting past the flashbacks of happier times and all the memories - but you have to keep your head in reality. Remember what was likely going on behind your back and that you deserve better. You'll be ok Pantha. You are a beautiful strong woman. Take care.<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>

ThornedRose I hope that if he ever does contact me that I will be strong enough not to be sucked into his world again. I truly don't want him in my life anymore, its just the whole remarriage thing that has really thrown me. But it would be so cool to say... <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"I" so sorry your having problems..but that is not MY problem anymore"
<hr></blockquote><p>SR I am in South Africa so I'm not sure if I'll be able to get hold of Melodie Beattie's books but will have try. I am going to try my best to stop dwelling on my XH, and to start working on me, and my life. Thank you.<p>weirded out I am sorry that you could not share all your miracles, I would have loved to hear about them, but I can understand you not wanting your X to know about them. I have for the most part not shared much about my life with my XH, even if he'd phone and talk to me, I would not offer any details on my life. I never said I had a boyfriend or denied it, when he was obviously fishing for info. I guess for me thats kind of 'power' to exclude him....
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You're just seeing the real guy now, the true person you were married to - not the guy you thought he was. <hr></blockquote>
this is true, and this is what makes me doubt myself, my ability to judge character, my sense of trust etc...
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Sometimes ya just have to count the hardships as blessings that make you stronger in the long run.<hr></blockquote>
Very true! I was thinking today, I am actually lucky that I decided to 'leave' (if I can put it that way) when I did, because this could have gone on and on for many more years, I don't think that further down I would have had the courage to say enough is enough, so I have decided that I am lucky, lucky that I got out and that like SR said, I am free to do anything I want, be anything I want, go anywhere I want. So I'm gonna do my best to go out there and live my life....<p>Love
Pantha

Pantha-<p>Hi there-<p>I'm just checking in to see how your weekend went and if you're feeling any better. I hope you are. Life has it way of slapping us in the face, but when we are able to feel and deal with the pain that comes our way we are able to grow. You are growing. Hopefully things will look up soon!<p>
Take care and God bless!
K