Hi Idostylin,
I am sorry that you are in this situation as I know it is very painful. I don't think you are crazy for still holding onto hope. ONLY YOU can decide when to give up. For me, the pain became too great, I had to give up to protect myself, I just could not deal with the pain any longer. I was willing to wait for her forever, but I could no longer do this to myself, I want her back more than almost anything on earth but I can not continue to be hurt like this. It is hard to believe that I will ever love anyone as much as I loved her but I know that God will send someone into my life WHEN I am ready and that I will love again. Maybe God will send her back into my life someday when were are both ready, but today she is not, until such I time I need to remain in self protection mode.<p>There are ways to protect yourself while still holding on to hope and working on the marriage.
It sounds like the verbal abuse is very bad. You are not only suffering the pain from your A, your husbands A, but have your best friend involved in this too, wow, that is alot to handle.<p>Remember that it takes two to work things out, not that you can't try to move things along by yourself, but much easier with two. There appears to be alot of pain on both sides. Are you in
MC and/or IC? At some point you are going to have to let go of the pain from the past, I know that is not easy but you can't carry it around forever.
I like the saying "those that anger you, control you" I found the following very useful:<p>It also sounds like your ex is not accepting responsibilty for his part, he is going to have to take some responsibilty and stop the verbal abuse if this is going to work out, does he realize this? Is he open to MC? Has he read SAA?<p>If you have more on agains off agains then you can count, maybe you need to consider something to break this pattern and reunite once and for all. Hopefully a good MC can help you guys. Have you done a Plan A and/or Plan B?<p>Bottom line, you are not crazy for this, this is yours and only your decision, you decide when enough is enough, until then work on your plan and be sure you are the focus of your plan. You will know when the pain is getting to great to handle, remember to protect yourself through this.
Take care,
Dave<p>*******************************************
You're really mad at your partner. You've explained your point of view
a million times. S/he never listens. You can't believe that a person can
be so insensitive. So, you wait. You're convinced that eventually s/he
will have to see the light; that you're right and s/he's wrong. In the
meantime, there's silence. But the tension is so thick in your house,
you can cut it with a knife. You hate the distance, but there's nothing
you can do about it because you're mad. You're really mad. <p> You try to make yourself feel better by getting involved in other
things. Sometimes this even works. But you wake up every morning
facing the fact that nothing's changed at all. A feeling of dissatisfaction
permeates everything you do. From time to time, you ask yourself, "Is
there something I should do differently,?" but you quickly dismiss this
thought because you know that, in your heart of hearts, you're not the
one to blame. So the distance between you and your partner persists. <p> Does any of this sound familiar? Have you and your partner been so
angry with each other that you've gone your separate ways and
stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself
that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your
house? If so, I have few things I want to tell you. <p> You are wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It's
exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It takes a toll on
your body and soul. It's bad for your health and hard on your spirit. It's
awful for your relationship. Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud
over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of
your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day
lost out of your life. What a waste! <p> I have worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation
because they are utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is
right and their partner's is wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get
their partners to share their views. I hear, "I'll change if s/he
changes," a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate. There are
many variations of this position. For example, "I'd be nicer to her, if
she were nicer to me," or "I'd be more physical and affectionate if he
were more communicative with me," or "I'd be more considerate and
tell her about my plans if she wouldn't hound me all the time about
what I do." You get the picture… "I'll be different if you start being
different first." Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very
long wait. <p> There's a much better way to view things when you and your partner
get stuck like this. I've been working with couples for years and I've
learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It's like a chain
reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It really
doesn't matter who starts first. It's simply a matter of tipping over the
first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example. <p> I worked with a woman who was very distressed about her husband's
long hours at work. She felt they spent very little time together as a
couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every
evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and
she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would
be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was
to deal with problems the moment in walked in the door. Although she
understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absences
that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me
about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She
was at her wit's end. <p> I told her that I could completely understand why she was frustrated
and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way.
However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel
about her nightly barrage of complaints. "He probably wishes he didn't
have to come home," she said. "Precisely," I thought to myself, and I
knew she was ready to switch gears. I suggested that she try an
experiment. "Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an
affectionate greeting. Don't complain, just tell him you're happy to see
him. Do something kind or thoughtful that you haven't done in a long
time…even if you don't feel like it." "You mean like fixing him his
favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot."
"That's exactly what I mean," I told her, and we discussed other things
she might do as well. She agreed to give it a try. <p> Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the
results of her "experiment." <p> "That first night after I talked with you I met him at the door and,
without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but
curious. I made him his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the
garlic, so he smelled the aroma the moment he walked in.
Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased. We had a great
evening together, the first in months. I was so pleased and surprised
by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being 'the new
me.' Since then things between us have been so much better, it's
amazing. He's come home earlier and he's even calling me from work
just to say hello. I can't believe the change in him. I'm so much
happier this way." <p> The moral of this story is obvious. When one partner changes, the
other partner changes too. It's a law of relationships. If you aren't
getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying
to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to
the situation? Why not be more pragmatic? If what you're doing
(talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn't been
working, no matter how sterling your logic, you're not going to get
very far. Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic. Spend more
time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being hell bent
on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over
and over and expecting different results. <p> Look, life is short. We only have one go-around. Make your relationship
the best it can possibly be. Stop waiting for your partner to change in
order for things to be better. When you decide to change first, it will be
the beginning of a solution avalanche. Try it, you'll like it! <p>
Are you someone who walks around feeling angry with your spouse or
loved one much of the time? Do you have a little inner voice that
constantly reminds you of all of his or her wrongdoings? Have you
become expert at remembering all the minute details of past injustices
just so that you can keep score? If this describes you at all, you
better read what I’m about to say and take it to heart. <p> Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical
and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship
ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view
regarding your partner’s insensitive behavior, you still are miserable.
When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You
walk around with a low-grade depression. You can’t feel joy because
you’re too busy being angry or feeling disappointed. <p> In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your
belief that, since you feel let down, you must not “give in.” To you,
giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace. To do so, would
be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance.
You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step
over the emotional line you’ve drawn. And though the distance often
feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to
your dilemma. <p> I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their
relationships. And yet, when they’re offered the tools, they can’t
seem to move forward. These are the couples who, instead of finding
effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra,
“Our problems are your fault and you must pay.” As long as they
maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure. How very sad.
Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day observe their
parents being “right” but “miserable.” What lessons are they learning
about love? <p> If any of this strikes a chord with you (and you wouldn’t be reading this
if it didn’t), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give
yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more
love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and
connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength,
particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to
forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a
sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is
YOU, no matter what the circumstances. <p> “All this sounds good,” you tell yourself, “but how can I ever forget
what my partner did to me?” Good question. You don’t! Forgiveness
is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember the
particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner. But what will
happen, is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated
with the event(s) begin to fade. You will feel happier, lighter, more
loving. And these renewed positive feelings won’t go unnoticed.
Others will be drawn to you. <p> Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a decision. You
decide that you are going start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it
isn’t easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even
harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a
more positive future. <p> So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go
another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace.
Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to
forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind’s eye at
the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of
exponential changes in your life
