Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Texas Republican
Member of The House of Representatives, [censored] Armey, who was asked: "If you
had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?"<p>He responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a
chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs.
Armey standing over me saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"<p>==============================================<p><< A preacher wanted to raise money for his church. He was told that there
was
a fortune in horse racing, to he decided to purchase one and enter it in
the
races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high
that
he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he

might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the
donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S [censored] SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered it in the race again, and
this
time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S [censored] OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S [censored]

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid
of
the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.

The next headline read:

NUN HAS BEST [censored] IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next headline read:

NUN SELLS [censored] FOR $10.00

The bishop nearly had a stroke, and he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could return to the wild.

The headline next read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER [censored] IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

WHO'S GOING TO TELL HIS WIFE??<p>
Six retirees living in Florida were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Abramowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Abramowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him." <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>(Thank God, it's Friday!)

Come on, people!!! Join in the giggles!!!<p>It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. <p>After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!" he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" <p>Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. <p>His revenge ... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial outta this? <p>Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...............$32,000. <p>Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...................$3,000. <p>Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui.......................$8,500. <p>The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.........priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

the mastercard joke a screamer!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

SEX IN THE DARK<p>A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off. <p>Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. <p>So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on. <p>She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis. <p>She went completely ballistic. "You impotent [censored]," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" <p>The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: <p>"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."<p>He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.<p>The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.<p>The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."<p>Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.<p>Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess. What more do you want? Why won't you kiss me?"<p>The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Gonna get shot for this one, but:<p>A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?<p>The blonde, because she's 18.

One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.<p>"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."<p>Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."<p>The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a Sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.<p>The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best . Bush took a look around in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this.<p>The Devil smiled sardonically and said......
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

For those with dogs.......... Or those thinking about getting a dog........<p>
1. The dog is never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.<p>2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for
short visits or if his own house is under renovation.<p>3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his dog house can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.<p>4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.<p>5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.<p>6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.<p>7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture but not the new furniture.<p>8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.<p>9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.<p>10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.<p>11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he' not allowed under the covers.<p>12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.<p>13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.<p>14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.<p>15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "Primary Resident".