I need help - I am so confused - my H and I have been talking divorce for almonst 8 months more so resently like every month the past 2 months. Up until Saturday these conversations always ended in lets keep trying. But on saturday he just blew about nothing in particular - & declared he was done, he wanted a divorce & he left with a bag of clothes. I said fine, packed the remainder of his things. We talked to each other on Monday night & he stated he still loves me, but this marriage just isn't working out & doesn't want to be in it anymore not the way it is. Yet I wonder if he wants out 100% - he is dragging his feet, won't take off of work to get the legal paperwork served, etc. and he moved in with 3 guys 13+ yrs. younger than him so I wonder what else he is up to? - Part of me believes he really doesn't want a divorce, but part of me does. I'm also not sure knowing our past together if it is a good idea to want him back - he has lied about drug usage & even thrown me out of our house through the door causing me to rip a hole in my arm & needing stitches. Yet, my heart cries out how much I love him - I think I might just be confused & just want the familiarity of him back, not necessarily him? I don't know what to think anymore - I pray for direction, but I'd still like to hear others what they have to say & think about the situation.

First thing is that you have to put the past behind you. You cannot drag up the old corpse every time you have a disagreement.<p>Second, I would read this site--especially the Emotional Needs section and then you and your h take the ENQuestionnaire. It can help you figure out a place to start rebuilding your love. It is very possible that neither of you is aware of what needs you have that are not being met-you just know that something's not right. <p>And check out the POJA too--it can help you come to an agreement on the 'somebody has to make a decision' issues.<p>Check this out and let us know how things are going.

Well we have read the EN Questions and we have both answered them - but nothing happened - I don't know if it was me or him - I guess it doesn't matter now that he is gone. Two people can't very well try to work on issues if one doesn't want to talk or come around the other - I called him on Wed. to remind him of his doctors appointment & he was real short - yes he had already cancelled it & then he stated he would probably be up this weekend to get the remainder of his things - he doesn't call (unless he needed something - he called Monday & wanted me to close our savings as he needed money.), Its to the point where I feel I'm blaming my kids for what has happened too - because they don't listen & show me no respect (and they did the same to him, I just never stepped in & corrected it - I am now though). He stated that one of the reasons he wanted the divorce was because of the kids not respecting or listening to him & I can understand that more now - I didn't step in & discipline the kids (the kids are mine from a prior marriage)- I relied on him to take care of it. <p>I feel that if we could somehow talk (not argue), & both of us take an active part in this relationship it could work, again though he has never tried much to think of anything other than himself planning for him meant when was he going to have band practice. I longed for him to plan something for us as a couple & for us as a family, but he just didn't seem to care. In the past I asked him to do things with us (ie Mall of America, etc. as a family) and his response was - why would I want to do that - well this year I felt a little turning point when he agreed to do things like that - that I would enjoy. I'm just so CONFUSED.<p>[ April 26, 2002: Message edited by: stadybum ]</p>

Use the information from this forum. Also, participate in Divorce Busters http://www.divorcebusting.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi.<p>Your husband does not want to leave, that is why he is dragging his feet. But what you guys are doing is not working either. You need to change.

I'm ready for change - But can 1 person make the difference - I guess before I never wanted to be the one to have to give 110% because he was the taker kind & he'd let me & not care if it hurt me - so resently I sort of just gave up too & started just taking letting him be the giver - it doesn't work that way I know now all too well.

Husband broke into house today just to get speakers for his band equipment. When I asked why he did it he said he still has every right to come into the house as if he lived here. I disagree but don't know what I legally can do without having a legal separation/divorce. When I asked him how come he hadn't filed for the divorce yet he was short stating he hadn't had time. When I pressed further about him not wanting to listen to me (reason for divorce) yet he listens to his 3 new roommates he was even shorter & hung up on me. Does this mean anything? Is he just having his fun and then expecting me to take him back when he realizes that the grass isn't greener on the other side & that now he is listening to 3 other people that may not be his wife, but they are telling him to do things that aren't necessarily in his best interests. I'm getting more confused & upset about this divorce the more the days go by & yet I'm trying to stay strong. HELP!!!!

In trying to stay strong I went to counseling for myself mostly, because I'm not sure what I feel. I know I'm not responsible for what my H does, but it hurts to think that he says he loves me & still wants a divorce. He was so concerned about me & the kids when we spoke to each other on the phone Saturday night. Why does he act concerned if he really doesn't care one way or the other? Is it just to make himself appear better, to justify his leaving. It felt to me that he was lonely & when I told him what I had planned for my Saturday night he disliked the fact that I wasn't sitting around moping for his abscense. If it weren't for my kids I'd probably have been moping around, but I realize for my sake & theirs that I have to move on & realize that he may not come back. I pray daily for direction, yet I am constantly confused about this whole situation as I don't want to really be divorced.

I am trying to work on myself & make myself happy. In doing so I went to my doctor & he put me on an anti-depressant so far so good, no bad reactions & I feel a little better about myself & what is going on, feel more able to cope. I still wish I could at least talk with my H and try to work things out, but as of right now he doesn't even return a phone call. Please pray for my me & my H. I would like nothing better than to be able to reconcile our marriage.

Sta - this is a hard time. I know, it is what is happening to me. My WS (husband) had a sexual affair with a woman 2000 miles away, spent great amount of money on her, and my WH never wanted our marriage to build to something wonderful. He and I were in counseling together with the Harleys, Jennifer quit, cause H wouldn't follow the rules, and Steve quit, for the same reasons. My WH is strong-willed and doesn't feel any remorse or guilt about what he has done. Our children are hurting daily, they want this family together, but H is quite happy being in his own place and living like a king. <p>I signed divorce papers, and that was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't want to do it, they told me to go and walk for an hour and come back. That is how hard it was, and I think about it daily, and see my WH as a person that I love, but he doesn't love me. He only cares about me, and he basically tells me we will just be good friends. I can't talk to him, I can't stand to hear his voice, I hate life. <p>Yes my WH really screwed up his life, his morals are down the drain, the OW has already had another sexual affair in her life and she is married with the same man, that she has to tell I did it again HONEY!!!! My WH didn't have the nerve to tell me that he had sex with the OW until 6 months after discovery day. So therefore, I can have what she has, that she got from her permiscous behavior. <p>I don't know what to tell you, just a support shoulder for you to cry on, as long as I can cry on your shoulder. I hate life, I went to a psychiatrist 2 times, but it is not enough. I need to see someone on a regular daily basis, I think. So if it costs money, my WH spent thousands on his and the OW and I was being the most frugal person around here during that time. I guess get counseling, get drugged (I am big time) cause my WH hurt my trapezous muscle of my R shoudler, and now I have shooting pains, taking meds for that (anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxants). Also, the appearance at the med center I went to for injury, is documented and I am to counsel with the violence to womans group.<p>PRAY PRAY PRAY for peace and yes, your WH is in a deep fog, denial, lies, and etc. If your spouse gets together with the W person, it won't make it, there is too much damage they did, and too many flaws.<p>Good luck.

Thanks Thinker - just wondering though you stated you are divorced - did you try to work the marriage out & who called it quits your H? Did he even try to talk to you - mine won't even call or return a call, I'd really love to be able to work on our relationship, I guess the best I can do now is to work on me & take what happens one day at a time, but I so desperatly wish he would call & at least make an effort to try to save this marriage - it takes 2 to make it & break it - but to just give up. I don't understand sometimes how he could say he loves me I'm all he has, and how he never wants to live like the guys in his band & yet now that is exactly what he is doing - WHY?<p>Good Luck to you & your situations amd I'll pray for you.

I am doing alright - I managed to build steps off the back of my house with my Sons help & it felt great to have accomplished something like this on my own. I have not heard from my H is 1 week since I told him he wanted a divorce to not have to listen to me, yet he was listening to his 3 roommates who are 14+ yrs. younger than him. I've made up my mind to not call him either! I do wish he would follow through on his intentions though - he agreed to pay 1/2 of the mortgage, 1/2 of the car payment, phone, utilities & auto insurance - he paid the 1/2 mortgage, but is due to pay the 1/2 car, phone & utilities & has not sent anything yet. <p>Why does he keep dragging his feet & why doesn't he return the phone call to find out what I need, I even mailed a letter stating what I needed & he didn't respond to that either. Why is he doing this? Is he just as confused about this divorce as I am or what?