Hello, I'm new here. I just needed some outside advice on what the heck just happend to my marriage. Three weeks ago we were happy & saying "I love you" & now I'm getting a divorce & feeling as if a Mack truck has just ran through my chest & crushed my heart. I found out my wife has been "talking" to another guy for five months now behind my back. When I confronted her about this. She said, "It's over I want a divorce". How can anyone go from marriage to divorce within a 2 to 3 week period??? I've tried everything to let her know that if we tried to work it out we'll be fine, but she's insistant on being out of love & wants only to be out of this marriage. We did have a few rough spots, but who doesn't? The kicker is, all our problems were over small things that could have been resolved with a simple warining, but I didn't get the warning. All I got was a bomb droped on me. Can someone please tell me how this can happen? I love her deeply & I am letter her go, but I'm having trouble seeing her reasoning. <p>Thanks, Jimmy

Hi, Jimmy (eek... my ex's name - I won't hold it against you [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Unfortunately, your situation is somewhat common. You W may seem like she's been abducted by aliens - to have changed so quickly. Things happened very quickly for me as well - except my XH said he wanted a divorce, but it didn't actually happen til 9 months later.<p>You say you're having trouble seeing her reasoning. Well, if she is involved with another guy, her reasoning has gone out the window. Now is the time for you to decide if you want your marriage, and stand firm. The truth is, you can carry it alone for a little while, since affairs statistically don't last, and your W may decide to rebuild a life with you.<p>Has the divorce actually been filed? Anyway, if it hasn't been finalized, it's not too late. Don't sign. <p>Take some time to read and learn here, and do everything you can to save your marriage.<p>Read all you can on the Marriagebuilders.com web-site to learn the basics. Read on these forums as well, and you'll see others in similar situations. There's some great links in my signature line to get your started. My marriage didn't make it (I was surprised much like you last May), but I came here and learned as much as I could. I know that I did everything I could, and I have grown as an individual in the process.<p>Basically, you'll want to look at yourself, and see what part you played in the problems in your marriage. Get those corrected right away, and demonstrate them to your W. The most important thing for you to realize right now - is you can't make up her mind for her. The only person you can change is YOU. Tell her you love her - don't want a divorce - and you know there's ways to work on the marriage to make it great. But, she's likely not interested in the marriage, as long as the affair is going on.<p>Stick around and read... you might try the General Questions II Forum. THere's more traffic over there (although a little light on the weekends), and mostly infidelity issues over there.<p>Good luck to you - read and post often.

Welcome jimmy...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>I've been there (a little over 3 years ago)...
W wanted a separation on Easter Sunday...
...3 weeks later she goes to an attorney!
2 and 3/4 years later... I am divorced.<p>It doesn't have to be that way for you...
Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Plan A is not a guarantee to save your marriage...
...but the first steps to "self"-recovery.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Thank you for your replies. It's help a lot to know that I'm not alone in this. As for the divorce papers, I've gone to an attorney to file & she has signed, but I have not. I'm gonna put off signing my half for at least a week. She's out looking for an apartment. We have had some great talks recently & both know where things went wrong, but she still says, "she wants out & for me not to have false hope". Wich is very hard for me because I love her so much! I'm really mixed up right now, between doing what will make her happy or doing what I want, wich is to keep trying to save this marriage. You guys have been great. <p>Thanks,Jimmy

kids or no kids? no kids,
move her out as fast as possible. . . . <p>make it sudden and quick. . . <p>and then give her the plan b letter. . . . and
no contact whatsoever initiated by you. . . .<p>its tough, but the quick sudden shock does get them thinking quickly about what is lost, and how foolish the "infatuation" world can really be. . .<p>good luck. . . <p>wiftty

Darn, I see WIFTTY beat me again... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>OK, Jimmy, this is weird. You've been married for eight months, and you say your W has been "talking" (ahem...) to this other guy for five months??? So, she's been having an affair since the very beginning of your marriage? I am quite confused; can you enlighten us a bit more on what's been going on?<p>Regarding your feelings, though, I think most of us here can validate how you feel. The feeling of getting hit by a Mack truck is pretty universal. For me, it happened after 11 years of marriage and two kids. Go figure. I had no warning whatsoever; my warning was basically my W (now XW) telling me that she was not in love with me (read: having an affair), and wasn't going to stay married to someone she wasn't in love with. Despite all my efforts, eighteen months later she followed through.<p>What I've learned is that you can't keep someone against their will (duh). The Tough Love approach (Dobson) is quite clear about that. But, even the Harley approach (Plan A/B), says the same thing: the philosophy is that you work on yourself, instead of trying to get your spouse to stay. It seems counterintuitive, but if you try to hold on to a spouse, it only makes you look clingy and pushes them further away.<p>Your W right now is living in some la la land with this "guy". Let her go and try to live that fantasy, while you work on making yourself a better person. If you do it right, I can assure you that you'll become happy and strong way before she does.<p>AGG