Hi, I'm new to this board and have gained MANY insights from this site! One of the things I have learned is that my husband is in the withdrawal phase of our marriage and i am in the conflict phase. I want to get out of it, and Im willing to follow the advice of Dr.Harley, but there is a problem...I feel so emotional when I try to talk about what Im feeling and my needs that I overwhelm and confuse my husband. Perhaps I should write him a letter? I have resisted doing this in the past because it seemed like a cop out to "real" communication, but I am now wondering if it could help me get said what I want to say without losing my cool. You see, one of the big issues for me in our marriage is lack of sex. I must admit, on the one hand it is comforting to find so many men and women are dealing with this, but on the other hand, I feel pretty hopeless that we will ever go back to our romantic, passionate marriage. So, do you think that writing a letter is a good idea, and if so, could I post it here first to get feedback? I am very concious of not wanting to do more harm than good, which is what I feel I do when I communicate verbally. My husband sees me so sad and feels guilty and he will have sex with me just to make me feel better, which goes against that agreement to not do anything that both partners don't feel enthusiastic about.... ugh, this is sooo exhausting. Just fyi, we have been without sex for over 6 months and Im going nuts.

I am sorry for your situation. I was recently in withdrawl for a long time, I didn't have any desire to have sex with my H and basically closed up all my emotions as I couldn't take the conflict anymore. After I read the stuff on this site, it made me give our marriage another try. We have made a break through and have gotten very close again. I think you should write a letter, I found that when ever I tried to discuss the problem my H would get defensive and it would turn into a yelling match. I did write letters which really helped as it didn't come across as an attack and I tried not to love bust and totally refused to argue with my H which made a huge difference. One big thing I found that helped was not to point all the blame at my husband and stop saying "you, you,you...<BR>Keep posting here, there is alot of good advice and it does help alot. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you

Thank you for your words of encouragement! I am feeling more emotionally even keel since I went on antidepressants on Sunday, but I still don't trust myself not to break down. Here is what I wrote. I REALLY want ALL feedback, especially if someone thinks this is a horrible letter! I just kind of spilled out what I was thining right now, but any suggestions are MOST welcome :-)

um, duh....here is what I wrote.<P>Dear Barry,<BR>I am hoping it will be easier to tell you some of what I am feeling in a letter, instead of face to face. I feel so strongly about what we are going through that It's so hard not to cry, and I know it upsets you when I cry. I love you so much and I want our relationship to be good again. I have been feeling so lonely in the last year. I know I have done things that made it harder for you, and I'm sorry for that. I really want to do better and hold up my end of things. I think what has happened is that you gave alot for a long time, more than I did, and you burned out. I understand that. You said that you give and give but don't get anything back. I know basically what you mean by that, but do you mean sexually, too? I need to know what you need. I asked you so many times if the problem was me and you said over and over that it wasn't. I can see that you have alot of resentment towards me, and you feel powerless. Maybe sex is the only thing you feel like you have any power over now. I need you to know that I feel powerless in our relationship, too. I feel like now it is up to me to give all, while you take a break, to balance the scales. If I thought that would do any good, I would do it, but it will only make me feel as resentful as it's made you feel. Barry, I miss the intimacy we had. I miss the hand holding, cuddling, long talks and fun we used to have. I am not blaming you for the loss of those things, if anything I blame myself for being so complacent as to think you could be endlessly giving. I want to make things better between us, but I think we both need to be very clear about what our needs are of each other. And we both need to realise that our needs may be very different. I am willing to meet your needs, whatever they are. I am going to make a list of my needs in order of importance for me, and I would like you to do the same: <P>1. Affection<BR>2. Appreciation<BR>3. Attention<BR>4. Romance<BR>5. Regular lovemaking<BR>6. Time alone together (without distractions)<P>I realise that it may be hard for you to understand why I need these things, just as I find it hard to understand why you don't, but the fact remains, I NEED these things. They are not optional, icing on the cake things. They are things I need in order to feel connected to you, loving towards you and secure in our marriage. <P>....well, that's as far as I got. REading it, it seems knid of clinical and cold, but there it is....<BR>

Personally, I'm a letter writer. My husband isn't. That's ok. I'll write a letter when I a) don't want to be interrupted as my thoughts come out b) don't necessarily need a response right away but just want him to be thinking about a few things c) don't want my feelings to turn into a huge argument.<BR>Be careful, though--it's almost easier to "lash out" in a letter than it is in person. If you decide to use letter writing as a communications tool, make sure you don't just write letters about the things that need fixing! Write him happy, nice letters too, like write a note saying something simple, "Thanks for being my husband! I love you even if I don't always show it!" Etc. You get the idea. <BR> <BR>Quote from my husband which I think is true:<BR>"You think if we're not talking about our marriage, something's wrong. I think if we have to talk about our marriage, something's wrong!"

I think your letter is fine except for the part "I realise that it may be hard for you to understand why I need these things, just as I find it hard to understand why you don't, but the fact remains, I NEED these things."<BR>I don't think you should say "why you don't" , if he has been in withdrawl he has shut off his emotions but that does not mean that he does not need any of those things you listed to be close to you. Sounds like, from your letter, that he was giving alot and got tired of trying, I think it is a love bust to say that. Not having some of those emotional needs met by you may be very well why he went into withdrawl. Otherwise I think it is a good letter. Good luck, any other opinions out there?

Thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it. Actually, he has said that he doesnt feel the need for those things, but maybe he really does? He says that his family loved him but wasn't physically demostrative. I understand that but can't accept it as an excuse for not touching me, because he used to be great at it! It's not like I didn't give him anything, it's just that I was giving him what I needed. When I ask him what he needs, he says he's a "pretty low maintenance guy". I'm really not sure what that means. Truth be told, we have been through some pretty heavy financial stuff in the last 2 years, and it all started with myhusbands company going on strike. It just went downhill from there. We never recovered financially from the strike, and eventually had to declare bankruptcy. The pressure has been pretty intense, but whereas I needed his love more than ever, he needed to withdraw. Alot of what is going on has to do with the pain of our different ways of dealing with the crisis. We seem to be doing better in the friends department, and I can only think of one time we have ever "fought" (when I realised he was masturbating after I left in the morning during the whole 6 months we weren't having sex) I just lost it. If I mention my needs, he starts feeling guilty and that bums him out even more. He uses alot of excuses for not having sex (I need to put all my energy into the show, I'm tired, the kids are here, etc, ad nauseum) It hurts so badly. We used to have a wonderful sex life. He loved to make love as much as I did. I am grieving for something we have lost. The commradery is missing, too. That "you and me against the world" feeling we used to share. I lie in bed next to him and I'm so frusterated I could scream. I hate feeling angry with him because I know he is depressed and struggling. I have considered moving into the guest bed, not to punish him, but to protect myself from the rejection and frustration. I don't know what this would do to our relationship, though. I never thought I would ever want to sleep apart from him... I'm sorry, the antidepressants aren't working today, and I'm feeling very sad. I miss my lover.

I too wrote a letter to my H when I saw a complete breakdown in our communication. It was in the form of an e-mail, since he spent most of his waking moments on the computer.<P>I think you letter is fine - I agree with the comments that were previously made. I do think that #1, 3 and 4 are about the same thing, though.<P>Something that really helped me was the book His Needs/Her Needs, by Dr. Harley. It states the 5 most important emotional needs of husbands and wives. A very good book for you both to read!<P>Anyway, once I wrote my e-mail, communication came to a head with my H. It wasn't pretty, and I went through an emotional roller coaster before things started to settle out. Be prepared for that possibility. I don't regret writing my letter, though. It eventually turned things around for me.<P>Good luck and God Bless You!