I still love my ex-wife........she says she loves me.........we both wish we could reconcile.....she looks at it a little differently .....she says it would not be a reconciliation..but a new relationship..........<p>anyway, recently asked her to exclusively date me......but she is unwilling......does not want to put her life on hold...........well needless to say it hurts...........<p>Wants to still see me but unwilling to give up anything ...including a man she has seen for about 6 weeks..........<p>My sel-esteem must be real low to tolerate this.........but I trully beleive she does not feel she is trying to jerk me around..........<p>Last night, called her to go out and she said not tonight.........well I know what that meant.........she leaves me a message this morning saying she just didn't want to talk.........I know why she didn't want to talk......she had her new friend with her........<p>Does anyone feel that something like this can work? I mean is it possible to date others and your Ex and think that a "new relationship" can develop?

Hi, Hurting:<p>I understand completely your pain. My stbxw (soon to be ex wife) left me for a good friend of mine. She wanted and wants out of the marriage and no amount of pleading would change her mind. She left me in July of 2001 and has been gone in a big way ever since.<p>I still wonder if there could be a chance of reconciliation. I sit there at Mass on Sundays and wonder if I am being tested and what I would do if she came back to me. However, that is not realistic thinking and it will not happen.<p>If she came back to me now, I would ask her to leave, because she has caused me too much pain, has betrayed me in the most despicable way possible and only contacts me when she needs something. <p>When we got married, we promised 'forever' to be with each other no matter what. Well she broke that most solemn of promises and has not looked back. What would stop her from doing it again? A promise once broken must be easier to break a 2cnd, 3rd, 4th time.<p>Try to think of it this way; What if your wife, when she was your girlfriend, said, 'Well, I want to marry you, but I also want to date another guy, and I may be spending a lot of time with him. I will certainly be having sex with him, but if you want to get married, sure!' Would you take that deal? <p>If you think about it, she wants the best of both worlds; she gets to have you around to take care of her and fix problems, and she also gets this other man around to satisfy her sexually. Hmmmmmm, does not sound like something I would want, do you?<p>Hurting, I have lost both of my parents and I miss them intensely. If I were able to bring them back, I do not know if I would, because they are truly dead and gone and their physical bodies have gone back to the Earth to help it make new life. If I brought them back, what would they look like? Would they be the same? Would the cost be too much to me and to them? I think so.<p>Our marriages (or my marriage, at least) are as dead as my parents are. If I were to try to bring it back it would be like trying to reanimate a corpse. Even if it worked a little bit, it would be decaying around the edges and the decay would infect the rest of my life.<p>I do know how intense your pain is. Even with all I have said, I still wonder some days if there could be hope.<p>Please keep posting and do not give up on yourself. Keep moving on and stay strong.<p>
My best to you,
vb_guy

Hurting.. I also know and share the pain... but I think that you really need to let her go... by letting go you may give her the space and time to figure this out on her own while protecting yourself. Letting go is extremely hard, take it a litte at a time if you need to. Set some goals, try to go 1 week without and contact with her. Then set a goal for 2 weeks, then 4, then see if you can go without any contact until things change. If she REALLY wants to work on the marriage you will know, she will be serious, none of this dating multiple people.You are her backup plan, do let that happen.. I know what you are going through, I am there too.. I have to take it in baby steps to make it, I guess some people can do it cold turkey but I can't. She has the best of both worlds right not, eliminate yourself from the equation, if it was meant to be, it will force her to see it but also be prepared that it may be over. Good luck, keep posting.
Take care,
Dave

I wanted to recommend a book to you that I think is really good- Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher. It has really practical ideas not just psychological mumbo jumbo in it.Why not check it out? lifeismessy

Thanks for the info............I can honestly say I feel a bit better..today at least.......However, I have not ended anything. Its almost like she doesn't want too...like she keeps me right here pining over her. <p>We have talked a bit this week. Some just via email. She seems to appreciate my opening up...has always complained that I do not talk...that I can not talk.<p>My birthday is coming up. She asked me to dinner with friends of ours...I said no at first...but after all this talking...ended up deciding to. <p>I feel like I have so much to say...so much to get off my chest. No matter what happens, at least I can get this stuff off my chest and so far it has helped immensely. It almost gives me some sort of peace. I still doubt we will ever be together. However, this process seems to be helping me come to peace with everything. <p>I would be liying if I said I still do not hold some hope. I do love this woman. Right now I guess I am trying to discover whether I like her. I am trying to be less judgemental...and want to here her side. It is a very painful thing......This is why I love this site.....Thanks everyone.