I am trying to do Plan B/Plan C with stbxw.
Well on Sunday some mutal friends that live in my neighboorhood invited my to attend a local carnival. I accepted and met them their with my children. STBXW also showed up, said she was not aware that I was going to be there, she stayed about 30 mintes and left. After she left the husband of our mutal frieds (Steve), wife name is (Pat) asked me if I have met the OM, I said no.
He said they went out to dinner with them on Friday night.. said the guy is a complete loser and control freak, OM got very upset when stbx went to talk to some friends.. he also said that was very dumb, a typical high school drop out, and a complete loser, advised that I should keep my kids away from him. I promised that I would not go
back and tell stbxw of our converation.
After I got home, stbx called multiple times, I finally answer the phone. Pat ( Steve's wife) and
good friend of Lynn has already called stbxw and told her of the converatation that Steve and I had. Lynn was very upset, I told her that she is upset with the wrong person, she should be mad at Steve and not me. Any way the conversation turned bad, she stated that Steve was right, he is a loser but that is what she deserves as she is a loser and doesn't deserve to live. She said she was going to kill herself now and hung up. I tried calling back, no answer, I got the kids and drover to her apart (about 5 minutes away) Ran the door bell, no answer, went inside and called her name, no answer, found her laying on the couch in the dark crying...<p>Now here is where I screwed up... I got down on my hands and knees next to her, put my hand on her should and asked her if she was alright. She stated "get your fucxing hand off my and get the fuxk out of my apartment" Guess she was alright.<p>So, the next time this happens, I will call 911 and let them handle it as I just continue to get shXt on everytime I reach out to support her.<p>Obviously she is not in a healthy relationship with OM, I guess that since she is not mentally
healthy, she is looking for the same in a relationship - inside will match the outside.
I wonder if she will ever hit bottom and come out of this? I know that eliminating my support (financially and emotionally) may help, I hate to see her do this to herself but it is her choice not mine. I guess that is why they call it Tough Love.<p>( I think I know why Pat told stbxy about our conversation, what to clear her name in this if it ever got back to stbxw.. Pat is an alcholic and if she loses stbxw, she loses her drinking buddy, she would rather turn in her husband than lose lose stbxw as a friend.. I can only imagine the bashing I take when they are together..<p>Any advise?
Take care,
Dave

Hi Dave-<p>I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds like your wife is pretty messed up at this time. It also appears she is very self loathing and self loathing people are miserable. They are also very hard on the people who care about them.
My advice to you is to try to detatch yourself from her. Accept that she has problems and that a lot of what she does is a result of them. You can't fix her, she has to. It is hard to watch someone bottom out, but it is also necessary to let her do it. Keep yourself detatched. It isn't easy, but it is so worth it. In time it becomes second nature and you'll be less hurt.<p>Take care and God bless!
K

hi dave,<p>it sounds like you have the same "what the heck did i do to deserve that?" feeling that i constantly have. <p>i don't know if you read my post or not, but i have to tell you that you have really been a help to me. I really have no advice, but i can say that i understand. <p>also, i have also done the suicide thing. february 2001 when i first got the announcement that ex was "sick of me and didn't want to be with me anymore" i freaked and took a bunch of valium with some gin. i was almost sucessful too. i really don't know what the point of my sharing that was, except that i guess i just needed to share it and i know that the counseling i had as a result really helped me... <p>i bet that stbx is starting to feel the consequences of her behavior and it's really strange how they can seem to make all their own bad luck our fault. what a mess...<p>hang in there dave...<p>kim...

davepr,<p>still reeling posted:
"My advice to you is to try to detatch yourself from her. Accept that she has problems and that a lot of what she does is a result of them. You can't fix her, she has to. It is hard to watch someone bottom out, but it is also necessary to let her do it. Keep yourself detatched. It isn't easy, but it is so worth it. In time it becomes second nature and you'll be less hurt."<p>Excellent advice from still reeling. Your W is at a juncture. She is verry unhappy right now. It is even worse because her worse fears about the OM being a loser have been validated by good friends, and now she isn't denying his lackof appeal.<p>Here is what you need to do: NOTHING. Please stop trying to rescue her. In Plan B, you need to avoid her. Her world is starting to crash around her, and really this is what it is going to takew to make her face her mistakes. By the way, what is Plan C? You need to be in a strict Plan B and if you she interact, revert to Plan A - be nice, cordial and civil, but nothing more.<p>She is starting to see this thing unravel and that is why she is so unhappy. OM is not Prince Charming. She has really begun to look at him without the rose-colored glasses and that is good.<p>About her suicide talk - if you think it is true, you must not ignore that. Call a friend to check on her, if you can. You didn't do anything wrong, but as soon as you saw she was Ok, but highly distraught, you should have left. She has to want to come to YOU, and she won't do that as long as you are running and chasing after her. Let her learn from her mistakes, please.<p>God bless, Desiree

Thanks everyone....<p>K, you are right, she is very messed up confused person, she is hitting bottom and I can't stand to watch but I can't rescue her either.. I need to let her fall, I know, it is so hard to do. I am trying (know I will) detach myself from this.<p>Idostylin,
Yes, I have the same feeling but I have learned that whatever i do (good or bad) will be turned around and used againist me. She needs to justify her actions, therefore as my IC put it, you are the "designated *******". You cannot do any right in this situation, as K and Desiree stated, you need to remove yourself (detach) from the WS. I have been following your post, glad I could help you. I also tried the suicide thing when I found out about the A, I went out did 10 tequila shots in a row, prior to that I drank about 5 beers, don't understand why I was still standing... came home ( I didn't drive) put a load shoot gone to my head and told my WS that I would prove to her how much a loved her. Pretty dumb more but when you are not thinking straight and have the most pain that you have ever felt, it seemed to be the right thing to do. Thank God for coming to my side and saving me, I have 2 beautiful children that need me, and I know in time this is going to work out one way or the other, If I don't get my stbxw back, I know that someday I will find true love again. Please promise me that you will never try that again? You know that you can make it through this, sometimes you just have to have faith that everything will be okay, you just need to believe that God will heal you and you will move on and be a better, stonger person for going through this.<p>Desiree,
Thanks again, Plan C was moving on with my life and give up on my marriage, guess I am not really ready for that, although I think I might of been there for a week or so, I had really given up all hope for this marriage. I am going to work on this for 3 more months ( our divorce date) unless she decides not to file and then I may go longer, I do love my W. I really don't have anyone to call to go and check her, the next time she makes the threat I am going to call 911 and let them handle it, maybe that would be the best for her, to get some professonal help<p>
She is hitting bottom:
- best friend think OM is a loser
- best friend and stbxw are no longer speaking
- I terminated all her health care benefits
- I have not paid alimony in 2 months, working on a court date
- her bills are pilling up
- alot of talk about suicide
- she had previously lost most of her friends when they found out about the A, most were mutual friends, she is down to one friend (out of town) in addition to the OM<p>Any other advise besides do nothing? Anything I can do to help reality sink in quicker?<p>Thanks and take care,
Dave

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by davepr:
<strong>I am trying to do Plan B/Plan C with stbxw.
.. said the guy is a complete loser and control freak, he is a loser but that is what she deserves as she is a loser and doesn't deserve to live. So, the next time this happens, I will call 911 and let them handle it as I just continue to get shXt on everytime I reach out to support her.<p>Obviously she is not in a healthy relationship with OM, I guess that since she is not mentally
healthy, she is looking for the same in a relationship - inside will match the outside.
I wonder if she will ever hit bottom and come out of this? I know that eliminating my support (financially and emotionally) may help, I hate to see her do this to herself but it is her choice not mine. Any advise?
Take care,
Dave</strong><hr></blockquote>
Dave, your STBX is wallowing around in the GARBAGE CAN with a LOSER, that much you already know. YES! Drop the financial support NOW. You are being an ENABLER by financial support of her. I'm sorry you have kids. Please - do everything you can to get them from her, as she sounds like an Unfit Mother to me. Don't bash their Mother in front of them but keep the three of you in church and prayer, please. You are not obligated to support a loser such as SHE chose to run to and leave you behind. Folks who are in the Garbage Can have to sink all the way to the bottom and be laying flat on their backs looking up before they realize what has happened and realize they also need help. This OM is a loser, well, that gives you more than a half-decent chance that maybe, just maybe, your wife will see she's headed for a life of misery and poverty with him and she had it much better with you. Prayer sure helps a lot too, just remember Jonah, tried to run from God and in the whale's belly, realized he was at the bottom and needed help... Your wife sounds like she's in some serious need of Medications for mental illness. Has she been to the Doctor for help? I know this is hurting, to see your Marriage be destroyed like she's doing to you. Please seek help and counseling from your Church. Surround yourself with Friends, true friends and seek their support. God, and Friends will get you thru this.
Peace, and God bless you, Dave.
Harold<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: LuvMyBaby ]</p>

Thanks Harold,
I pray she hits bottom soon, I can't take much more of this. I pray to God every night to give
me the strength to wait this out and to guide us in the right direction.<p>Take care,
Dave