In short, i am nearly too incoherant to make any sense..........I am having big money trouble, my stbxw wants to know why i did tell her sooner.....after all what is the big deal?....she only destroyed our marriage, our friendship, our lives together.......she asks why I am being so distant......what is wrong withme, she wants to know.....she will help if she can, because we can still be good pals...running off with my friend is no big deal................HELP ME..........PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

vb:<p>You should get into counseling as soon as you can. You are NOT guilty of your W's choices. Also, because of her situation, she's not in much of a position to be a very good "pal" to you right now. <p>Read all you can from this website and post often to this forum. Others will be better able to recommend reading material than I, so I'll let them chime in. <p>Bottom line, you're going to be okay, but it will take work. Your M may even be okay in the end, but you need to start with yourself. There are a lot of fine folks on this forum that will be glad to help out!<p>Take care of YOU!

(((((vb_guy)))))
You need to start looking after you now. Try and work out a plan to get you out of your financial trouble, but you also need to see a counsellor or speak to a true friend. It is painful to go through what you are going through and you need some support. I know that you are hurting really bad now, but you will survive this. If you have decided that it is too painful to have your wife as a friend, you have a right to set that boundary. When and if you feel like having her as a friend you can, but in your time. Please take care of yourself.<p>Pantha

vb_guy<p>How about an update? You ok?<p>Talk to us, k? We'll listen.<p>Take care of YOU - let us know you're ok. Then we'll help you with your stbx.

i want to say that i feel not too well, but that i am very grateful for the concern felt by other MBers and that i am not thinking too clearly tonight, so i will update more tomorrow............oh and that I am aware that there are worse stories on this board.....i almost feel foolish posting my silly problems here......<p>thank you all...see you tomorrow...........

Hey man,<p>I saw your subject and remembered when I sent an e-mail with the exact same subject to my best friend while almost losing it at work.<p>I will never again (I hope) experience a winter that cold again in my life.<p>I know it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest. I know how you feel like you have no energy to do anything. I know one how it feels to start thinking about ending it.<p>Pepto-Bismol and burping (strangely enough) seemed to relieve a lot of my symptoms.<p>Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Do one thing at a time as I know that it is next to impossible to concentrate on more than one thing at this time.<p>For me, this is as bad as it got. It won't get better overnight, but I think your days will start to improve from this point on.<p>Just thinking about you,<p>Kevin

I feel your pain, I know how it can feel. I know for me it feels at times like I am on a island and nothing matters and no one cares. Like life is going on, and things keep getting worse. I too am struggling financially......and at work the stress is overwhelming.<p>I started back to therapy Monday and have been getting a lot off my chest by talking with my Ex wife. ALthough, My situation has not really changed. I don't feel like I am on that island. I know how it goes....my emotions seem to change thru out the day.....but I have learned that when I don't feel so bad......enjoy the moment.<p>I do suggest Talk talk talk talk......and try to find some pleasure in your life. Stay off that island.....It sure isn't fun!<p>Everyone says things will get better......in time.....I sort of get sick of hearing it...but people that are not in this phase of life can not trully understand your situation. However, they do care. <p>
I hope today finds you in a little bit better state.....

<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: vb_guy ]</p>

Hello everyone, and thank you for your replies and help:<p>I am doing somewhat better today, but the rollercoaster can take a downward dip with no warning at all. I had to see w yesterday. That, in addition to my financial woes, set me off in a big, bad way. I could see no hope, no light, and no future at all.<p>During this terrible time, I read some posts whose authors would gladly trade places with me. Their stories are truly heartbreaking, involving all I have to deal with plus much more nasty stuff, including custody, legal battles, and just generally more acrimony than I have had to put up with in the past year. So I am grateful that my situation is not worse.<p>2Long, Pantha, Faith1, Fatherof1, thank you for your concern and empathy, it was much needed. I am in counseling and will be going tonight. Counseling, Church, this site and all of my friends have been lifesavers for me. I am amazed at how badly our once loved ones can treat us, how they can detach and behave as if they are canceling cable subscriptions and not ending a marriage.<p>Hurting, I find it especially interesting that you refer to an island several times in your reply, because I literally do live on an island and my stbxw has moved off of it to find her new life. I have followed your story and I am very sad for your situation, too. This will get better and I do hope to move off my island to start MY new life.<p>
Thank you all and God bless you,

(((vb_guy)))...You do not have to minimize what you're going through, because your experience is tough too! It is so easy to become overwhelmed by all the feelings in this, but I pray that God gives you wisdom to do the right things to correct your financial situation and the marital situation!<p>One important point I need to mention is, I notice how people go to the church to get married, but when their marriages are in trouble they forget that it is even more important to contact your pastor!...<p>It is the church's responsibility to teach truth, confront offensive behavior (Matthew 18:15-19), and encourage people to live righteously and stick to their commitments (just like God rebuked adulterers and abusers in the O.T. book of Malachi and urged them to live righteously). Your W is not only violating her covenant with you, but also with God! This has serious eternal consequences! She is living in sin and must be confronted about it. <p>My point is, you should certainly work at healing your own heart as the previous posts speak to, but also you must Biblically care and fear for your W's soul...enough to go to your pastor and ask him to confront her and encourage her to repent and work to restore her marriage covenant.
Right now you may not feel like ever re-connecting with her as a wife, but God can heal and restore the worst of messes, the most damaged of hearts!! Nothing is impossible with HIM! <p>Of course, we know your W still has her own free will, but right now "the fog" has overcome her, and she needs to be brought to accountability to the church to hear the truth about marital covenant and be faced with the reality of her sin and need for repentance and change. If she chooses not to change, you have met your responsibility before God in this. I pray she wakes up!<p>God will bless you (no matter what your W chooses to do), if you respect the marriage covenant and bring W to accountability.

vb_guy , Hurting - Add me to the list..<p>I am also "dying inside". It's flavor changes, but it never goes away..<p>Financially, I am dying.<p>I think I finally have a plan, though, after a year of this hell.<p>I restarted therapy about a month ago. Not sure if this guy is right for me, though..<p>I don't think the passage of time is the solution, it's the actions you take during the course of that make a difference...<p>Again, as others have posted, don't discount how you feel, it is important.<p>Distance from your stbx may bring some relief..<p>If you want, e mail me at brwnd2@aol.com<p>Dan<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

VB_guy: Glad to hear you are doing better. I recently emailed a note to our church members and friends asking for healing and reconciliation prayers for both of us (only a few knew the details of W&#8217;s A and our separation). The responses were very inspiring and it almost brought me to tears. I only pity my W for walking out on the church and not having good supporting people she can turn to (other than the manipulating OM &#8211; IMHO.) <p>Seeing or talking w/ my WS can set me off on a rollercoaster too. Reminds me of the mistakes that I made along the way. Beyond getting good counseling, keep reaching out and talking to people &#8211; it always seems to help and make me feel better about myself and less alone. Reading MB can be very humbling, inspiring and also honestly &#8211; quite scary. Your line: &#8220;I am amazed at how badly our once loved ones can treat us how they can detach and behave as if they are canceling cable subscriptions and not ending a marriage&#8221; really hit home for me. WS just called to say we need to split-up the cell phone bill and return a few pieces of furniture &#8211; so matter of fact-like. Does she really understand what she is doing or saying? She told me when we were dating 13+ years ago that her worst fears were to get D someday and die alone. (Hmm, maybe those were red flags I missed.) It is like she is putting together a To-Do-List: carpool to work w/ OM; lunch w/ OM; call H - cancel phone; park brain at door, etc. Sorry &#8211; a little venting there. <p>Don&#8217;t know the depths of your money woes &#8211; but I&#8217;ve found there are more important things in life than money. Keep your head straight, enjoy what you do &#8211; do it well and the money will follow. Remember the saying - when one door closes another opens. . . .good luck VB and God speed.

Hey Everyone,
Hope everyone is doing well.......I actually went out with ex wife last night. I think this back and forth with her just stops me from healing. I am not over her, I love her immensely. We talked so calmly, no fights. I am pretty sure she enjoys things the way they are. I play right into her hand. I love her. For all the back and forth that we go thru, I want my marriage back. There were times where I didn't know if I did or not. She is in that stage now. She likes her breaks from the kids. She likes not having to answer to anyone. She likes being able to do what she wants. I can not help her there. I am waiting. But I know I am only , one of her dates from feeling like I can't wait anymore. I guess I assume if I give her space, but see her. And she sees I am there for her a partner with her...we will end up together one day.
<p>I am not sure if my situation is worse or not. I sometime s think it is better we can get along. However, in the same sense, I may heal sooner if I wasn't involved with her. <p>It seems to me, that she is afraid to let me go completely....she keeps telling me no matter what she wants to nbe my friend. I just find that unrealistc, especially we both end up involved with someone else.<p>Anyone think it is possible to remain friends with your spouse? Is part of be married, being good friends? I think sometimes she thinks there sshould be more passion.

Hey vb,
I understand the pain. I really do. Sometimes it seems like the best I could hope for was that the earth would hold me up, air would continue to fill my lungs and I could actually survive another moment on this planet. And then, you what? I did. One more moment. One more 15 mintues. One more hour.<p>About 3 weeks ago, I hit was I surely hope was the absolute bottom of the pit. It was a Saturday and I knew my xh had a date that night. I was supposed to have the children. I found out from one of my kids that the night before they had all gone out for pizza and the OW (we are divorced and she is not the reason, but for simplicity I will call her that) was there. I lost color vision. I just couldn't function. <p>Let me digress, just a moment, for clarification. Many of you may think - what is the big deal, he had a date - they are divorced. But, since the D, my xh and I have continued to talk of reconcilliation and have been intimate many times and our situation is just so confusing. He says he loves me and always will - so why can't we just begin to work this out???<p>Anyway, I went home. I laid face down on the floor crying and making the most gutteral noises I ever knew a human could produce. I literally didnt' think my body would be able to survive what my heart and my brain were putting it through. I got up. I sat down at my computer and wrote a new will. I have a pretty substantial life insurance policy that my xh is still the beneficiary on and I didn't want him to get that money without NEW instructions from me. I am also in terrible financial straits that will take me years to dig out of, so those thoughts of "worth more dead than alive" were very present. I was coherent enough to know how destructive my death would be to my children, but I didn't care. I just wanted the pain to end. I didn't want them to carry the pain of me checking out on them for the rest of their lives by CHOICE, so I decided to go out and have a wreck - a terrible one where I lost control and went off a bridge or into a bridge imbankment or something. Didn't want a head-on collision that might hurt someone else.
So, I wrote the will. Even wrote funeral instructions, asking them to please sing amazing grace. Then a little "god" lightbulb went off and I realized I didnt' have my printer hooked up. I didn't think the damn thing would be valid if it wasn't signed and I didnt' have the wherewithal to hook up the stupid thing at that moment. The thought that my inability to hook up the printer was actually saving my life for a moment got me laughing. Actually laughing. I knew then it was God telling me how ridiculous my plan was. Not diminishing the pain. But, saying to me, "give me the pain - I will take it from you". He doesn't take it all at once. But, he will lift it as we need him to. At least he has with me.
To kill yourself is saying, God can't do any better than this. No tomorrow is going to be better than this. It is fear over faith. I chose faith. And I have to keep choosing it over and over and over and over. <p>God, I can't see around corners, but you can. Help me, hold me. <p>Please hang in there vb - not only can it get better, but God promises that it will.

Wiffle,<p>Your situation is very similar to mine.....I told my ex it is very hard to work on reconciliation while she is dating/sleeping with her friend....but I still have not pulled the plug....

To all my MB friends:<p>how many times those same thougts have crossed my mind! I have been at the brink where I said, 'I know where my friend's shotgun is, I know where the shells are, it will be over be for I feel a thing, because I cannot take anymore of this!'<p>I am not sure why i am still sitting here and not dead....scared to die is one reason! I have only recently, in the last year, rediscovered my faith and that has literally been a lifesaver at times. I do not know how I made it through the previous 15 years without God and the Church, but I guess God was with me, never-the-less.<p>My mind races with negative possiblities. However it is a beautiful day outside and that helps immensely.<p>I WANT to move on; I WANT to be able to find a nice woman and settle down and have a family, but I cannot. God is certainly NOT helping me in that direction at all. I am still in love with a woman who treats me like the friend you talk to when there is nothing else to do.<p>I am not glad to hear of everyone else's circumstances, but I am 'glad' for the company here, if you all know what I mean. I am not as lonely here.<p>Thank you,
God Bless you,
vb

VB, please keep the faith, it will get you through the tough times. Have faith that God will help you though this and send someone (your WS or some one new) into your life WHEN you are ready. You are not ready at this point in time. Are you in Plan A or Plan B? For me, i could not do Plan A for too long, it was too painful for me. Plan B is working better for myself, don't have any results with WS yet but it is easing the hurt for me, now it is mainly sadness.
Take care,
Dave

vb_guy:<p>Once again, your thoughts in this very troubling time are not unusual. But, PLEASE, if you think you have more than just "suicidal thoughts" (i.e., suicidal TENDENCIES), then by all means get professional help NOW.<p>Even having the thoughts is alarming, and though we all have had them along the way, the point is we should all get help to get past them. <p>We all have something to contribute, and if we focus on that and work toward recognizing and developing our own abilities/worth, then someone will notice!! This someone may be your W or it may be some other lucky gal at a later date. Whatever you do, though, don't get tempted to get involved romantically with someone else until your own M is truly over, AND your self-esteem is intact. You don't want to find yourself in a "rebound relationship" before you're truly ready!<p>"I am still in love with a woman who treats me like the friend you talk to when there is nothing else to do."<p>This is certainly not unusual in this kind of situation. You should be proud of yourself for being willing to love this woman who is being so inconsiderate of your needs/feelings. But, once again, focus on YOU first! She may or may not come back to you, but whatever happens to your M you need to be a better YOU and feel better about yourself.<p>Take care!

vb-guy = I am in the same position you are in. I have been married to the same man for over 20 years. The hurt the WS puts on their spouse, they cannot comprehend the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the rejection, and the pattern that the WS uses (FFOOGG). <p>I am trying counseling for myself, but not sure of the present psychiatrist. Been several times to him, but just a inkling of something not quite right with connections or same voice lines. <p>It is important that you can feel your counselor is your friend, your buddy, your total confidential friend and that they will not hurt you. Therefore, try and look, ask for advice from doctors, church members, etc. on a good counselor. <p>I have no one to talk to as yet. I don't feel really confident in the psychiatrist I am seeing. I have family, but don't want to burden them with all of my problems. <p>My WH had a affair, yes they did have sex. The BS is the one that gets hurt big time. I feel the WS doesn't really care about the BS, my WH made it quite clear that he was in-love with the OW, and didn't love me (his wife). The WS seems to care only about themseleves, not their family, spouse, children, just what they get out of the affair. But if you were to talk to counselors or a emotional helping person, professional, their answer would be that if the 2 married (WS & OP) the marriage wouldn't last. They are 2 liars, 2 people that have met each other in secret, lied to their spouses, lied to their children, lied to their family, lied to leaders of church, parishoners of the church, lied to their friends, and MOST HIGHEST DEGREE OF LIES to themselves. They only see the fantasy, the secrets, the sexual moments of being together. They don't live life with all the burdens, all the bills, all the commitments, etc. <p>My WH is a first class WS. Still denying any romantic love for me. Still denying that he wants this marriage. Therefore, one of us has to file for Divorce. My WH is still searching for the OW, long story, found calls on cellphone bill. He states it was for him to see how she is doing. Some WS are totally out of sinc with reality, like mine.