<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

I got a little confused reading through your post that could just be my brain this early in the morning.<p>It appears that you are contemplating maving your daughter far enough away that it will not allow her to have a relationship with her father. How old is your daughter? If the shoe were on the other foot would you want your X to move with the daughter far enough that you couldn't have a relationship with her?<p>I don't know any tiny bit of your story but this whole situation just seems not to be in anybody's best interest.<p>Best of luck to ya

<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

You mentioned you "will be moving to the states". Does this mean you are presently living outside of the US, perhaps in Mexico or Canada? If you think that you can just waltz into the US and live here, please think again. As an unmarried partner of a migrant worker (if Canadian he will have either a TN-1 or H-1B work visa) you do not have the right to move with him to the US. You have no right to bring your daughter across the border for even a visit without permission from her father. You can move here if you marry the boyfriend and he has a TN or H-1B. You have more than just your ex to worry about. You have the wonderful world of immigration.<p>Been there, done that, married my Canuck and imported him to the states.

So how far away do you wish to take her? _____hours car drive<p>Your 9yo, though her opinion my be valuable, it should be nothing more than an opinion. If her father asks her she may say the exact opisite. Children are amazing in that they seem to mould around who they are with at the time.<p>BTW I'm in no way defending your X, I'm simply stating my opinion. I don't know how long you've been divorced but it sounds as if you were dating your X no too long ago. I'm afraid that this whole move is too early for your daughter. Add that to the fact that your X has a less than perfect relationship with her now, it may go to basically none at all.<p>There are a lot of issue's to think about here and the hardest thing to do is to solely focus on what is best for your daughter, the truly innocent victim here, without bringing in your emotions for your BF.<p>Again, I wish you and your family well.

My question is what happens if the BOYFRIEND walks out on you, then there you are in a new country where you know no one. Repeating...he's a BOYFRIEND. I don't see any commitment there and it just my opinion that a child shouldn't be uprooted from a parent to shack up with a BOYFRIEND. This doesn't mean he's not a wonderful person, just not committed. And it's just too easy for non-committed people to just fade in and out of your life at their whim. It puts your daughter in the position of making another relationship that could easily disappear overnight - another loss to her.<p>I guess I'm a little confused by all this too. It sounds like you've been bouncing back and forth between the X and the BF, and then when the X took a walk, again, you clung back onto the BF. Please think hard about what you're doing because just from reading this, it doesn't sound like much to base a sound relationship and marriage on. I'm probably wrong but everything from the first post here is VERY confusing.<p>Honestly, I wish you well tho.

<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

Yes we are all (or are about to be) divorced, but it was a darn hard road. You don't just walk away free and easy if you are married. It's a hard hit in every way, especially financially, and I think that's makes at least some people think twice before they do it. With no marriage, you just say adios and that's it, gone. Way too EASY to walk out on all your responsibilities, especially a new baby. Anyway, even having been thru a horrendous divorce, I still have faith that people can have a loving life-long marriage, even tho I personally am only interested in raising my boys and not interested in finding a man.<p>I'm sorry for all you've been thru, it's a pretty long heart-wrenching list. Just seems there's quite a bit of healing left to do, so just be careful. There are other women here who've been physically abused also, maybe you'll make contact with one of them. It helps to know others who've been thru it.<p>Take care.

<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You don't just walk away free and easy if you are married. It's a hard hit in every way, especially financially, and I think that's makes at least some people think twice before they do it. With no marriage, you just say adios and that's it, gone. Way too EASY to walk out on all your responsibilities <hr></blockquote>I beg to differ...there are many people who just get up and walk away from their marriages and many who are not married that stay and work hard for those relationships. Marriages are in the heart, not the county clerk's files.<p>Looking, I don't envy your dilemma. I'm in a similar spot now myself. I think you just have to gauge what is best for you and your children and do it.

You know what, maybe not being with her father is the best thing for her. My sister's h. beat her and their daughter and she chose to return to him. You and only you know what is best for your d., and you know what if his mother had the nerve to say he should've hit you harder, I'd smacked her. You can't live your life doing for everyone else, no it's not a good idea to just uproot a child, but sometimes it is all that will help them. Did he abuse your d.? God is mindful of your needs and he understands even when everyone else doesn't. You've already explained to your d. and talked to her about it, if you need to then you can get her someone to talk to about the move, but the most important thing to remember is this---only you know what's best and if you have absolutely no doubts-you don't doubt that you're going just because your afraid of being along, you don't wonder if it's going to work, than I say, go with your instinct.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by looking ahead:
<strong>I appreciate what everyone is saying. Really I do. But sometimes i have to wonder if the advice and things said are coming from the fact that everyone here is still in pain and hurting.
So, how objective is the advice??</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sure there are probably plenty of those type of people on this board. But there are also those who have moved past the pain and offer advise from the other side. Those of us who see the damage that is continually happening to our children by the X and their new relationship. <p>Maybe if we had more background the answers may have been different.<p>Again, best of luck.

<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>