I am a new member of MB. I wish I found this place more than 2 years ago before my marriage ended in divorce. The whole thing is like a damn soap opera. Anyway I posted some of my story on the pregnancy/child board. This is what I posted as a reply to a question that was asked. It will give you a general idea of my story.<p>"I just had to reply to your post. I have a 1 year old son that was fathered by an OM. I am currently divorced but we are attempting a reconcilation. It's a long complicated story but a brief background. Was married for 10 years, last 5 years of marriage we really took each other for granted. H had an affair, we separated, I got involved with a co-worker (single) very briefly and I got pregnant.<p>After I told my now ex husband about the preganacy he moved full steam ahead with the divorce. Things are completely over with OM but we are still friends for our son's sake and even share custody (50/50). My ex ended things with the OW completely when he realized he did not love her and was in a fantasy world.<p>I will be honest with you. It has been a very long hard road. There are many issues like can he accept OM being a constant part of our lives. He has bonded with my son and has no problem with him."<p>That is a very short version of my story. I am not even sure if I would consider my sons father to be the "OM" because I was legally separated when I got involved with him but my ex/SO thinks of him as the OM. Things have been going good between us for the most part except that he is having so much trouble dealing with the OM. If he's sees him it can ruin his whole day. I don't know what to do. His xOW is completely out of the picture and I would not want to be around her either so I try to put myself in his shoes.<p>I've tried different things so they do not have to see each other. We started doing the exchanges at daycare. There is only so much I can do. He got all upset when I met with xOM to discuss what pre-school we would be sending him to. If you want to get a good one you need to sign them up very early. There are times when contact will have to happen. Do you think our situation is hopeless? If you were in our situation what would you do?

I have one qestion.. did you and your ex ever have kids during the 10 yrs..? and if not, then why not have one with him so he can feel and know what it is like being a dad, and then perhaps he will understand better.. as well as, the new born, HIS NEW BORN< would keep him as busy with the same concerns.. and you`ll have a child to share, as well.. carry the name, etc..<p>just a suggestion.. I know it is a huge decission, and another commitment, and a life time at that.. but this may be something that bothers him deep down, that you have with OM that you don`t hav with him, since you both ARE trying to reconcile.. a family bond "IS" something very special.. I would ask and talk about it with him if I were you.. <p>BUT being I do not know your situation, I may also be way out of line here, so forgive me if for any reason, I offended you in any way, NOT KNOWING the entire story.. reasons....<p>good luck..AV

No we don't have any kids together. There never seemed to be the time because we were so devoted to our careers. I was really shocked when I found out I was pregnant. We have talked about having kids of our own if we get married again but I want to make sure our relationship is solid. Right now its not. We have to come to some sort of an agreement about how much OM will be part of our lives. I just pray that it's not the deal breaker. Emotionally and legally he is my sons father. Nothing can change that. I don't know what else I can do.

It would be healhier,psychologically and emotionally, if the XOM was not part of the child's life. It is your ex who is the real father to the child. See a good attorney to find out how to keep the OM out of your life.

tomaz.. <p>I beg to differ.. You can not make some one that wants to be a good dad to stay away from his child.. and if this man is making good, on fatherhood, and is NOT a dead beat dad, no court in the world can keep him away, and won`t.. <p>this child deserves the right to KNOW his real father, reguardless of the ill cercumstances.. <p>I do not know you, so please forgive me if this offends you, but do you have any children of your own??? if you do, I am not sure how you could have even answered this post the way you did.. and if you don`t.. when you do eventually have them, (if you so chose to do so) you will then, and ONLY THEN understand a bit better, why people do STICK around, for the sake of THIER kid... <p>the thing is.. this ex H of hers, that is trying to reconcile, has to be the ONE who makes a decission here, as to what he wants to do about it all.. he needs to do alot of thinking and know he is going to HAVE TO deal with this, like it or not, and stick to a plan of making it all work, so every one INVOLVED gets along.. there is no garuntee`s in life.. EVER!!! it is all a matter of cercumstance and esperiences.. and we the people have to be the ones who make this world a better place.. not confuse it more by acting as though some one does not exsist.. to not acknowledge this man, and just shut him out from something he WANTS to participate in, is down right cruel.. especially if he loves the fact he has a kid.. even if not married to the mother.. every one deserves that chance.. every one..<p>I`m sorry.. I got carried away.. I`m done now.. just know that yes, this situation is most definitly complicated, but it "IS" resolvable.. ANYTHING IS RESOLVABLE.. it is all up to every one involved who PARTICIPATES, to do it in a respectful mannor, and do the best they can.. and thats all we can all ask for.. <p>AV

Your right numbheart. My exh/SO is going to have to decide for himself what he wants. I just hope he decides he can deal with having OM in our life. I try to keep it as limited as possible.<p>Tomaz,
Legally I could not get OM out of my sons life even if I wanted to which I don't. Legally and emotionally he is his father and we have a legally binding custody agreement. He really is a good father and they share a very deep bond. I have absolutly no interest in maintaining a romantic relationship with him and he feels the same way.

Shyone, I don't mean to sound pessimistic but I would suggest you brace yourself for your xH deciding against reconciling. I hope that he doesn't but I would be very cautious if I were you about getting my hopes up to high.<p>Your present relationship with xH could still be derailed by another woman coming into his life. The stress that OM's presence causes on him is very serious and makes him very susceptible to the possibility of another affair.<p>I don't know if this is possible but you can have a talk with your xH and ask him if he would rather have a frienship with you first, instead of a committed relationship. If he said yes then he may feel less of the stress with OM's presence in your life and your son's, and eventually he may get used to it.<p>In any case, I wish you the best of luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

I have prepared myself for that. It might not work out and if it doesn't I will be okay. I lived w/o him before and I can do it again. I have suggested just being friends but he says he wants to move forward ....but before we can move forward we need to get this straigtened out. I won't have my son growing up in a home full of tension because his possible stepfather hates his bio father.

Hi Shyone, in reading your post, just my opinion, it sound like the real true love and trust is between you and your XH....It sounds like to me OM was just a possible Sex act and not really love, A rebound thing? I would also say the same for your husband and OW...In our time of need we can do some crazy things...<p>I could be wrong about it all but there seems to be no attachment to OM or OW, Its more like OOpss sorry we got involved???<p>Therefore stick to whats true, whats true will always rise to the Top.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by shyone:
<strong>I have prepared myself for that. It might not work out and if it doesn't I will be okay. I lived w/o him before and I can do it again. I have suggested just being friends but he says he wants to move forward ....but before we can move forward we need to get this straigtened out. I won't have my son growing up in a home full of tension because his possible stepfather hates his bio father.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well said shyone. Your son is the only inocent in this whole mess and he needs to be protected from any further foul ups that the adults in his life are capable of inflicting not only on one another but on him as well.<p>Your statement shows that you've got your head on straight. Keep it up.<p>May God give you strength, courage, health, and wisdom to do what is right for you and your child.<p>Joe<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Everlasting-<p>I think you hit the nail right on the head. I never loved the OM and he never did love me. It was a rebound on both our parts. It's not a good idea for 2 people with broken hearts to get together. My xH at one point thought he loved the OW but that came to a screeching halt when he actually had a relationship with her w/o me in the picture. She was not so perfect after all. We really do love each other.