I'd like input from people out there, but I think I really need women's opinions... I divorced my HS sweetheart one and a half years ago after she moved out and in with a lesbian we knew. Of course there were other factors, she became dishonest with me about everything, hardly talked to me for 6 months, was angry at me and placed all the blame for everything on me. I would not let her anger escalate into a war though. She had done something similar 20 years before, only with men. We recovered from that then and went on to get educations, careers, and become best friends and lovers again.<P>She always carried anger that she would not talk about, I think due to a terrible childhood. We'd go 2-3 weeks at a time where she would hardly talk to me, til I'd finally tell her it wasn't healthy, that she had to stop it. We also had normal problems in our 24 years together, we started with nothing and did well, we did everything together and were considered the "ideal couple". We raised 3 great kids.<P>I was not perfect, but am honest, considerate of others and her especially. I had just gone through a trying time after my business investors stole the company and it went into litigation. I realize how I had failed to meet her needs then and I probably didn't handle my marriage crisis properly.<P>I've dated alot this past year and though I've gained some great friends, I'm still thinking of Lin. Maybe it's cause I've always taken care of and loved her, or that I'm just not adjusting well. I know one thing for sure, I don't feel like there's been closure.<P>Though we've all been hurt terribly by the D, I think she's been hurt more and I'm sorry for that. Some things have changed, her anger towards me is gone and we can talk again, even laugh. She met a mutual friend recently and when the subject turned to me, he said that Lin cried for a whole hour cause she loves me. I'll always love her, but the "hurt" things with her have been horrible.<P>The thought is that if she loves me and I love her, then maybe we can fix this once again. I realize that I may have D'ed too quickly. I want to get together with her to find out how she feels, but I don't know if our pride can be overcome.<P>I'd greatly appreciate any advice or suggestions on how best to approach the subject of reconciliation with Lin, or how to understand her possible feelings. I realize I have to completely forgive everything that has happened. We were a good team for so long, we always said we could take on the devil himself and beat him. She always told people that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and I used to pay similar compliments.<P>It's a shame that at one time, we turned our guns on each other. Now I think we're both sorry for doing so. Thanks so much...<BR>Sam<P>

Hey SamIam,<BR>Sorry to hear of your prediciment, I wish I were in the same type of situation right now because if it were me I'd jump at the chance to get back together with my wife. I too have treated my wife with the same affection, consideration and thoughtfulness that you seem to have shown yours, the only problem is my wife wants nothing to do with me anymore and wants a divorce. The question you need to ask yourself is can you both attain the happiness each of you deserve and if so what will it take to get there? The love seems to be there so you may still have a great foundation to build on and if you can achieve that happiness wouldn't it be worth it? Good luck. Jax

<BR>Thanks for the advice Jax, being an optimist I kind of feel the same way. I will talk to her this week and see if any of the magic is still there, or if she has the yearning for it anyway. Again, thanks for the time... Sam<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SamIAm (edited April 04, 2000).]

Hi Sam, <BR>Just wanted to comment on the fact that your<BR>wife had a troubled childhood. I've done<BR>quite a bit of reading and it seems that<BR>a lot of the time adults who experienced a <BR>difficult time as a child actually go out of<BR>their way to sabotage their intimate relationships. Their emotional needs are also<BR>greater. It seems as if emotionally they haven't grown up yet. I know because this category of person includes me. People with<BR>troubled childhoods also experience more anxiety and depressive disorders and can have flashbacks relating pain felt in the present to pain felt in the past. Her reasons for going with other partners is purely and simply a crying out for needs to be met. I too thought about taking up with a woman as I thought we'd be able to relate <BR>more emotionally. Lin obviously has some<BR>very complex needs as do I and if you do <BR>get back together with her nurture her at all times and be prepared to catch her should<BR>she fall. Good luck Sam.<P>------------------<BR>SDV

Hi Sophie, thanks for your thoughts and advice, I truly appreciate them. You are right that the past influences today, I have seen it in myself and in Lin, how we can both be untrusting of the love we both have for each other. <P>Today, we are divorced, though we love each other. The person she is with? She doesn't love her, it's the best she has now. The women I have been seeing? I don't love them, I love Lin. So how do we find ourselves in this situation... <P>I know that one of us has to break the impass and it won't be her, I've always been the leader. <P>So I will soon risk rejection again, I'm going to talk to her, tell her that 1,000 years from now, I will still love her (remember, we go back to grade school days!). From what I've heard and seen, I think she may be praying for a way out. She has lost much in relationships with our kids, friends and social standing. She used to be so strong, now she sems so frail and weak. <P>It's strange that we were best friends and great lovers for sooo long! How did we lose it???<P>Wish me luck and God's blessings on this! I should see her Monday to talk and I need to do well, to be myself, truthful and to convey the real deal to her...<P>Sam