My wife and I have been married for seven years and we have a 20mo son. She has recently told me that she does not love me and wants a divorce. She says she married me because I was the kind of guy she could never get, she was very insecure with herself. She says she is not having an affair and I believe her. We have had a rocky marriage at times, I have been verbally abusive, controlling and have not met her emotional needs. She has approached me many times in our marriage looking to change the direction of our marriage to be one that is more fulfilling. I did not listen, I shuned her. When we first met and the early years of our marriage she was insecure with herself, and I many times took advantage of it by be-littling her and taking advantage of her insecurities. I realize now (hopefully not too late) that she is my soul mate and that I love her very much. We are going to counciling soon, but she is reluctant and pessimistic. She is primarily going to counciling for her son and the urging of her parents.<p>My question is if she feels that she cannot spend the rest of her life with me and that she cannot love me again can my actions to fulfill her emotional needs be enough for her to fall in love with me again?<p>Can going to councling with have hearted intentions on her part result in anything positive?<p>She was an extremely warm affectionate person, the last couple of months she has been emotionless. SInce our son was born (20mo) we have not had a full nights sleep (he wakes often) and we have only been out alone a handful of times. <p>We are going out alone this weekend, how should I behave since she is basically unreceptive? I have read about he basic techniques on this website are we canidates?<p>I would appreciate hearing from someone with some insight.

k-<p>I am going through exactly the same thing. Except that I am in your wife's position. My H has been verbally abusive for years and so I feel like I can speak for how your wife may be feeling. I feel dead inside. Like I tried for all those years to help our marriage. My strength and reserves are spent. He is just now recognizing the problem. His reserves are fresh and he is ready to try for a new start. We are coming at this problem from two very different places. Just as you and your wife are.<p>My advice to you is based on what I would want my H to try to do. Try to really understand what she went through during all those years of abuse. Although you were present, she endured it ALONE. And that is how she has felt throughout the marriage. Try reading a book by Patricia Evans called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It will help you to see what she went through and how many areas of her life it has affected. You do need to look toward the future, but you need to try to heal the past first. Ask her to talk about times that you really hurt her and let her vent her feelings and frustrations. (Because I'm betting you were never willing to hear them before). She needs validation that she's not wrong, not incompetent, not crazy. <p>Good luck. I hope you truly have seen the error of your ways and that she is able to open up her heart again.

I too have been in a relationship for the past 8 yrs to a verbally abusive H - we've only been married 3 yrs. He just walked out on us 1-1/2 wks ago - I'm angry - we talked things over & agreed we'd try to work it out just 4 days before he left & in one of his angry outbursts he just came home on a Saturday Afternoon & verbally attacked me & my 2 kids stating he wanted a divorce. I love my H & would do almost anything if we could work it out, if we could talk - anything. I guess I'm to the point where I believe he is through this time. But, if my H were to have listened & given me the emotional support I needed years ago, I don't think we'd have gotten to this point. Your wife needs to know you care. Meet her needs & she may not respond right away - my H was trying to meet my needs since Xmas 2001 & my heart was cold to him & that is why we are not together now - if she wants to work on the relationship for any reason at least she is willing to try - it may take time, but just be patient don't give up like my H. Stick with it & give her support & LOVE her for who she really is.

Thank you for the input. Should I initiate the conversation about how I have hurt her? How should I approach it? Should I tell her I want to talk about it to learn from it and to attempt to heal her? This is how I feel, but I do not want to upset her and make things worse. We are taking a four hour road trip this weekend, do you feel this would be an appropriate time to discuss? Once again thank you.