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Joined: Oct 2001
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This is the first time I've posted on the DD board, but it looks like we are heading toward a D very soon. I always thought I was a forgiving person, but I guess I was wrong.<p>My H has been lying to me for YEARS. He hasn't been "in" our relationship much at all. I haven't had domestic or emotional support in a LONG time. It has been like living alone. In August the crap hit the fan so to speak. I found out about a lot of things he has been doing through our whole marriage that have hurt me deeply. I have on several occasions told him I want the "whole" truth about things, and I have yet to get it. I keep finding more things and getting the same answers, "I don't know", "I didn't think of it like that".... and on and on. He keeps telling me that "now I know everything" and inevitably I find something else. Of course his response is, I lumped that in with this or that, I didn't consider them seperate.<p>I feel that there is MUCH more I still don't know. I can't take this anymore. It has been 9 months and I'm still having discoveries. I think that is about 8 months too long. With all the lying and keeping things secret, my H has very effectively killed any love I had left. He lied to me when we got married, and in my opinion kept me from making an informed choice. I aksed him in the beginning of this mess to not do that to me again. Regretfully, he is not capable of this. It is slowly killing me.<p>I have read all of the article's on MB and I think he would fall into the classification of having problems that make it impossible for MB to work.<p>Now he is working his butt off to try and keep "us" together and I honestly feel there is no longer an "us" to try to keep together. Every day just brings more heartache. Every time I start to have a little hope, the new discoveries are that much more devistating. So I guess my question is, How much is enough to take? How do I decide when to leave? I don't even want to stay in it "for the kids" any more.<p>Just as a side note, I have another question. Do you think looking at porn sites and putting up a personal add are 2 different things? Maybe I am being crazy. I sure feel crazy!<p>Thanks for your input....

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FSA9:<p>It sounds like you've been doing your best at a plan A, considering the circumstances, but your continued discoveries of your H behavior isn't helping. That you feel you've lost your love for him is telling. Only you can decide whether it's time to move to plan B or DV, and how to implement that. <p>As for the porn/personal ads question. Remember that an A is what YOU, the betrayed, thinks it is! If your H disagrees with your concerns about that, then he's got to come up with a convincing explanation as to why it's harmless - it isn't. If he's truly wanting to save your M, he's going to have to put one heckuva lot of effort into it, considering his history. Are either/both of you in Cing?<p>Sounds like you've had a very rough rough to travel over the years. Good luck in your making these tough decisions.

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2long-<p>Thank you for the response. I know I'm the one who decides when enough is enough. I was just wondering how some of the MBers that are divorced made that decision. What was the feeling that you had to know it was over?<p>I think mine is all of the anger this time. Before I would get angry, but would always end up crying because the hurt outweighed the anger. This time I don't really feel hurt any more. It is almost like I've already accepted there is no more I can give. I think I've held on some what because I was afraid to be alone. This time I was surprised that I wasn't afraid. I really feel like the fear of being alone is much less than the continueing stress and pain of staying together.<p>To answer your question, I have been in individual counseling for about a month and a half, and we have been to the marriage counselor 1 time together and 1 time each seperate. It seems I have a real problem setting boundaries and sticking to them. In other words I let people walk all over me. I've already said about 5 times that if I find out anything else, I'm gone. I guess the sixth time is the charm. He will never believe me if I continue to give in. Unfortunately, the only way to stand my ground on this one is to go talk to a lawyer.<p>It is too bad that the first time I'm going to stand up for myself, I have to hurt my kids to do it. I feel so bad about that. But, he made his choices and now I'm forced to make a choice. Stand up for myself, or just continue to let myself be used.

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I too have been in your shoes, my H lied to me for 8 years and I finally found out last New Year's Eve. We agreed to try to work things out, go to counseling, etc. In July at a 4th of July party he drops the bomb statement of "I Never Loved You and I Never Will." I was devastated because of the countless times he told me he did love me & that was all a lie too? In August, I told him I wanted a divorce - now in May he moved out 2 weeks ago - I'm devastated again I thought I wanted a divorce, but I don't, I think we should work things out - too many marriages end in divorce that wouldn't have had too; don't be too hasty! I thought I didn't love my H either, until he was gone - I felt sorry, regret, & I forgave what happened & I truly feel we could work this out. But he won't talk to me - he is too involved in listening to his 3 new roommates that are 20 yrs old (H is 36) - they think doing drugs & being in a band is all that there is to life - guess that is what my H wanted too.

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Stadybum-<p>Thank you for your response. I hear what you are saying about not jumping into things. For me, it just seems like nothing else I've tried has given me any comfort or relief. Every time I talk about divorce or seperating, my H just loses it. I can't understand this. He didn't want me or our marriage (except for me to do the housework etc..) for 10 years and now all of a sudden he can't live without me. It just doesn't make any sense to me, so I figure it must all be an act. He is doing and saying all the things he think will fool me, so he can once again "live the life".<p>I feel like such a fool for believing in him for so long. Then, even after I found stuff out, I still believed yet more lies and explanations. After 9 months of this, I've lost all ability to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. It is so bad, if he told me the sky was blue, I would walk outside just to be sure of something I already knew to be true since birth. I have no faith in him or myself, and I don't want to keep second guessing myself any longer.<p>You said that you forgave your H. How did you accomplish this? I have been trying, but I just can't do it. Everytime things start going well again, I find out something else. Each time I don't start back at square one, I go back farther than that. It is like I can't believe I could ever feel worse than I do after a discovery, and then the next one is even worse. I'm tired of being miserable!!!! How can I forgive him if I don't even know everything I'm forgiving? AAAHHHH, I'm just so confused.<p>I appreciate your advice [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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FeelingSoAlone9 -<p>Your situration is much like mine. I have found that each phase of rebuilding/restoring my marriage has been a "huge" step. The decision to do what is "right" or "wrong" becomes very unclear. So far I have gone through:<p>1. "discovery" of a 3 year affair and deciding that I did want to try and restore our marriage in spite of it.
2. trying to change myself to meet my H emotional needs (Plan A)
3. finding that I was failing at stopping Love Busters and what triggered it - for me it was the continued contact of the affair...gee imagine that. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
4. Because the trigger wouldn't go away, I finally decided that I couldn't continue a good Plan A. I told him to make a decision on what he wanted - he could try and restore our marriage or he could leave. He chose her and his job. (She's a coworker)
5. Being seperated - this has been an interesting time for me. My heart aches for my son's sadness at the loss of his "family" as he had known it. I believe it is extra confusing for him because my H and I never argued in front of him. Also, we did "family" activities together that were both fun and enjoyable by all. But overall, I'm actually doing OKAY. I'm finding that I can handle "everything" on my own, and it's not that big a deal. I also find that there is a great relief to not have to worry about
my H and what he is or is not doing because at this point, I really don't care anymore. Steve Harley says I'm building walls... <p>6. Divorce or recovery?????? This question leads to all kinds of emotions. I can still say that I would try marital recovery if my husband was willing to stop all contact with the OP. However, I believe that this "will" is getting smaller and smaller as time goes on and I find that I'm just as good or better than I was when I was with him. But I also believe either step will again be a huge upheaval...<p>During each of these phases, I've gone through emotional highs and lows. For me it has been hard because except for the A, my H is a great father and friend. But, I finally decided that I didn't get married to have a companion or for convinence. I want more than that...love, passion, romance. Before you make a decision, read the book Divorce Busters. It'll give you another perspective on divorce and the unconsidered pit falls. <p>The bottom line for me has been the fact that I have felt I was the only one trying to restore the marriage. Looking back, maybe that wasn't entirely true, but it felt like it. <p>Good Luck!!
Lo

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There is a song "Forgiving you was easy but Forgetting Seems to be the Hardest Thing" - this is so true! I have forgiven my H, I know deep down it wasn't him that wanted to hurt me. He came from a family that wasn't much of a family - not much family activity & his father abused his mother. I believe in the Lord and through him is where I get my strength to forgive. If you have faith in the Lord, pray and pray again. I know from the past that when I did this my H & I were reunited & I know that this separation is Satan's way of keeping anyone form happiness - I lost sight of God in my marriage & that is why things are where they are at. I realize my forgiving my H is only a small step, but it is a step, because even if he were to lie to me tomorrow about something, it wouldn't matter because the Lord is in control of my H and my heart. Don't lose sight of what you believe in & praying for your H may just make the difference - the Lord doesn't want to see you hurting he will always be there for you. <p>I blew my H away this afternoon when I spoke to him on the phone, we ended our conversation & I told him goodbye, take care. And he didn't know what to think or say he was just like yeah, bye. I know he still cares about us because when we do talk he asks how we are doing; he is confused now too & Satan has a stronghold on him, but I believe that God will overcome the evil.

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Matthew 6: 14-15 "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you so not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins".<p> Love in Christ<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>


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