Hello, all, again:<p>My stbxw seems to be trying to come back into my life a little bit and it has me tied up in such knots that my thinking is really off. I put things down and forget where and spend half an hour trying to find them again, but I get ahead of myself.<p>My w has given me her personal 800# and her IM account name so that I may contact her when I need to. The phone has been a problem, because I am now unemployed and my phone has been turned off, thank you Verizon.<p>I knew how badly I missed her, but the true depth of those feelings of desolation and despair did not hit me until she started being 'nicer' again. I do not think that this change in her behavior is an overture towards reconciliation on her part, because I am sure she still has OM. Even if she did want to come back I am so hurt by what she has done that I do not know how I would be able to forgive her, though I love her with all of my being. That is one heck of a quandary.<p>The mistakes I made during our marriage haunt me like angry ghosts and my loneliness grows like a cancer. I do not know what to do. I am really beginning to think that God has abandoned me altogether; I am so LONELY and scared.<p>Please tell me, how can these people treat us this way? HOW?<p>My brother, who is severely mentally ill has moved in with me, because he has no other place to go, is going through a bad patch and is sleeping 18 hours a day and walking around the house like a disheveled zombie. He may crash soon and I will be there to pick up the pieces, but no one be here to help put ME back together again.<p>I cannot see any hope, no future, no light...my usual refuge, the Church (I am Roman Catholic) leaves me feeling just as empty as if I went to some warehouse.<p>How can I be in love with a person who has betrayed me in this horrible way? I do not understand this at all. I am imploding in on myself and do not know how to handle this at all anymore..............<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: vb_guy ]<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: vb_guy ]</p>

vb_guy:<p>You're in a precarious position, right now. <p>"Even if she did want to come back I am so hurt by what she has done that I do not know how I would be able to forgive her, though I love her with all of my being"<p>This is very normal. There may even be the good person in there somewhere that you fell in love with and that may eve deserve your love again. But right now, you need to take care of yourself. Could you switch curches? (not denominations) Maybe someone at a different church could offer you some support that you're not getting where you are. Do you have friends or relatives that can help you and your brother (because, right now you can't be much help to your brother, either)? <p>Don't try to figure out your W's behavior. She can't even figure it out in the state she's in. You need to focus your attentions on YOU, first and foremost. Try to find distracting activities, if you think that will work for you. (It didn't for me, though - but THIS FORUM DID help me a great deal!).<p>Hang in there, post often, and read all you can!

Your post leaves me wanting to reach out to you so badly. I feel for you really i do but these words probably feel pretty empty to you now. I hope you realize that god has no part in this and try to understand that everyday is a hard one but your worthy of a lot and can make it. Geez i wish i could give you a hug and tell you it would all be alright.

Bump.<p>anybody else on that can give vb_guy some assist?

I and so many others on this board understand what you are going through. Do concentrate on you, it looks like you have a full plate. This board helped me tremendously, if anything, just to know that we aren't alone.

Vb-guy what you are feeling is what all of us felt in the past when the knife of betrayal was plunged into our backs by the one person we trusted above all others to protect us. I would recommend that you read 2long's following post:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>2long:<strong><p>"vb_guy:
You're in a precarious position, right now. <p>"Even if she did want to come back I am so hurt by what she has done that I do not know how I would be able to forgive her, though I love her with all of my being"<p>This is very normal. There may even be the good person in there somewhere that you fell in love with and that may eve deserve your love again. But right now, you need to take care of yourself. Could you switch curches? (not denominations) Maybe someone at a different church could offer you some support that you're not getting where you are. Do you have friends or relatives that can help you and your brother (because, right now you can't be much help to your brother, either)? <p>Don't try to figure out your W's behavior. She can't even figure it out in the state she's in. You need to focus your attentions on YOU, first and foremost. Try to find distracting activities, if you think that will work for you. (It didn't for me, though - but THIS FORUM DID help me a great deal!).<p>Hang in there, post often, and read all you can!"<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>I would also suggest you look into agencies that might help you with your mentally ill brother. This may sound cold but his presence and dependence on you is an anchor that does not help you move on with your life, and on top of that you are probably not well equipped to professionally help your brother with his mental illness (a case of the blind leading the blind). I'm not in the slightest suggesting you abandon your brother but to look for help from the appropriate agencies to help your brother and you deal with this situation more effectively.<p>Joe