Okay, I ducked my head a little better this time, and I sorta saw this one coming (like out of the corner of my eye), but being hit blindside by the enormous defensive man still hurts. Here's why:<p>My H is taking some new medication that I thought was going to eliminate some of these situations and decrease the ones that did occur to less extreme reactions. In other words, I thought there was going to be longer periods of "peace" in between incidents, and I thought the incidents that did occur would be less vicious and harmful. I was expecting maybe a week or two of reassurance and building, and then one day of much more mature, responsible disagreeing or arguing. The kind where I say, "I seriously do NOT agree, and I am beginning to not feel safe in discussing this any further" and he says, "I don't either, so let's table this discussion until we've had a chance to settle down."<p>I thought the name calling was over…the immediate jump to "I don't care about you" and "F*** you"…the hanging up and ignoring me and shutting me out and hurting me so drastically despite the fact that I say, "Stop-you're hurting me too much!!" It feels like he is ripping my heart out while I am still alive!!! I thought he was dealing with his issue and taking medicine and going to the counselor/doctor to handle it all, so that I would not be so badly mangled. I thought his one and only goal in life was to PROVE to me that I was safe being with him.<p>Unfortunately, now I feel like I was just fooling myself. I had such HIGH HOPE. I think I was in denial. I just WANTED it to be better so bad that I convinced myself that it was. I am concerned over the fact that he has worked so much and so hard that I was put in a position to be hurt. I am distraught over the fact that he has not yet been to his counselor in more than a month, and today he didn't go because he threw up-but he might feel good enough to go to work later. I can't possibly tell him how this makes me feel because it will lead to yet another incident of ripping my heart out and slashing me and telling me he doesn't care about me and kicking me out. <p>Inside, I am dying for him to see that this is part of the problem he is attempting to deal with. It's part of the demon he wrestles with, but he has to protect me from his demon and help me protect myself. I know this is sort of cryptic, like the last one, but I'm here to get some support from my friends, not reveal all of his issues to you guys. He knows what the issue is. <p>For more than two years now, I have been deeply longing for some security and stability in my life…the kind where I KNOW within my soul that I am loved, appreciated, important, valuable and ROCK SOLID. I have worked and worked and worked to get my feet under me-get a job I love with people I love-get a place to stay where I'm safe and okay-get my money to a point where I'm not afraid every month. Gosh, I would LOVE to share myself and my thoughts and my feelings with a person who would think of what is best for me, as much as I have tried to do what is best for my H! You know what's best for me right now?? PROTECT MYSELF!!! <p>Oh, God, I wanted to believe that HE would protect me. That he would still have those tendencies, but get me out of the way of the steaming train before it ran me over. I wanted to believe that it was even possible!! And I can't even say anything. I have no one to share my fears with. Whether they are irrational fears or not is irrelevant-I can't express them, because I'd be putting myself in danger. <p>I don't know how to get out of this. If I could wave a magic wand, I'd wish that my H UNDERSTOOD that he can't just mow me down!! It's a weird mix: is it issue A or anger management or low blood sugar or lack of sleep...? Who cares? I'm tired of caring. I WANT TO BE PROTECTED-PERIOD. I don't care WHY you just stabbed me a thousand times and ripped my heart out while I was still alive. I just want it to stop!!!! <p>I can NOT depend it stopping, can I?? There's no way it can stop without going to the counselor for a long time and working on it, and he won't go to the counselor. It was all an illusion, and the great changes that I thought I saw, were all my dreams because I wanted them SO badly!! Where's that "balling my eyes out" icon?? <p>Okay (deep breath) (another deep breath). Here's what I could use from you guys...hugs and sympathy. If I'm way off base, please tell me, but I'd suspect it's more likely that I haven't been facing reality. If hugs is too much or crossing a boundary or something, send an encouraging word, okay? <p>CJ

{{{{cj}}}}}
You've had tremendous strength of spirit in holding onto your dream of a healthy marriage. I pray that you will have the wisdom to do what is right.

(((((CJ)))))<p>What else can we do??

{{CJ}}<p>Hang in there and be strong. You will make it. Coming to terms with reality is hard...especially when you want your marriage to work so badly.<p>It is hard to take the rose colored glasses off--even when you know things aren't right. It is hard to move on...and takes so much strength.<p>I guess what I have learned over the last few months is that miracles are possible---but we have to put our problems in God's hands. It is nice to be able to share the burden with someone. Your H needs to want to change. As much as we would like, you can't do it for him. <p>You are in my prayers...take care. Pat