Let me start by saying that I love my wife dearly. We have known each other since about 1989. We have been a cople since '94 Moved in together in '95. We were Married in '99. The Love we shared was much better than I ever imagined love could be. We have always been great together, until a year ago when she moved out. She said that she had always had to depend on someone in her life, & that she needed to prove to herself that she could be ok on her own. At first everything was pretty much the same,but only in different apts But as the year passed she began to become more & more distant. I kept asking her to move home & she Kept refusing. I kept asking her if she was seeing any one else & she said no. Well to make a long story short, she has been lying to me, And would still be lying to me If I hadn't found out. I know that she has slept with at least one man, but I still love her and want to save my marriage. She has recently been diagnosed with depression. She asked me, Monday for a divorce, I think partially because after the affair, I went crazy trying to get her to come home & work things out. I asked her to promise to stop seeing other men & she wont. She has agreed to wait Two Months to File, but is unwilling to take any steps toward reconcilliation. Can Anyone help me save my marriage? I will do Anything. I am Reading "The Divorce Remedy" now. I only hope that I have time to fend off this terrible beast known as divorce. Please help me!<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: ReallyTryingHard ]</p>

Please reply to my post I am scared to death of losing my wife. I am begging you all for Support & guidence.

I'm a newbie, but from reading posts here (which I recommend you do as they really help ease the pain and help you control your emotions so you don't do anymore lovebusting), I would say don't push things too hard on her because that will push her away (cause more LB). <p>I'm not sure if you should do Plan A or Plan B.<p>If you do Plan A you want to try to meet her needs and be postive with her, not fight, not annoy her, or cause more withdrawals from the lovebank.<p>If you do Plan B you have to let her know that you will be eliminating all contact with her until she wants to stop seeing OM and then you can move towards reconciliation. If you do Plan B you are supposed to stick with it and realize that there is a risk that she may never come back. Plan B is supposed to occur after a good Plan A (6 months or so depending on how drained you are), so the last thing she remembers about you is positive and that you wanted to work things out.<p>You post seemed very desperate. I know how you feel (I think we all have felt that way at one time or another.) Hang in there. Take it one day at a time. If you are doing a Plan A, if there are certain things you do that bother her, stop doing them. If there are things you know she always wanted, do them. Don't be pushy or fake. <p>Reply to other message and people will reply to yours.<p>Good luck,<p>
-Heartbroken yet hopeful

good suggestions, aanast2!<p>I think that RTH is too fresh out of D-day to be thinking of plan B at this point. He'll have to do as good a plan A from a distance as he possibly can. It is more difficult than if the WS is at home, but it is still possible (look around this site, there are many here that have done this and succeeded in rebuilding their Ms). <p>Your W will say all kinds of hurtful, even nonsensical things for a while when she's in this fog of her A. You may simply have to let it run its course. By being as loving and caring as you can, and particularly by not LBing, you improve your chances that she'll come back to you for comfort - at least for visits if not for the "safety" of home. And while I'm on the subject, think about what you may have been doing or not doing that might have contributed to her dissatisfaction with your M. There's always something that can be changed for the better in a R. At the same time, don't beat yourself up thinking you might have been responsible for her A, YOU ARE NOT. That was her decision. But while she's in it, she can't see the hurt it's causing you. And so, unfortunately, you have to be the sensible, strong one here. This will be hardest for the first few months, but you'll get better at it with time.<p>Bottom line, take care of yourself first, then work on making your M or your home a safe environment for you W to come back to, if she chooses to do so.<p>Good luck!

Hey, I'm going through the same situation. My wife first, hid a "talking" affair of five months & then the "seeing" affair (same guy). She lied hundreds of times. Then, I cought them at the Mall together. She then wanted her space, (I gave it to her, stayed in hotel) & she then took advantage of that situation. Then she wanted a divorce. Like a fool, I wanted to make her happy & prove my love, so I filed... She signed right away. I signed a week ago. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do! I still love her very much. She moved out into her own apt. this week & will not tell me where she lives. She says "the other guy will not have anything to do with her, but I feel it just may be another LIE.
So, I feel your pain. I'm not the best at giving adivse, but this site has really helped me understand relationships & how affairs begin. I will pray for you & I wish you the best of luck. Please try to keep your life in focus. I know it's hard. I'm going through it right now also.
Jimmy

Educate yourself. Learn a about yourself and her and don't think she doesn't love you even if she say's she doesn't. She is at the edge of growing up. READ!! Check out " Surviving An Affair". You can look at some pages at Amazon.com.
This book helps you understand why it started and how and why it WILL end. This understanding will help you forgive her and you will be well prepared WHEN she wants to return. Also listening to some Diana Krall tunes wouldn't hurt either!!!

I am presently going through a divorce with my WH. The thing is, they had an affair, it was usually a fantansy affair, my WH finally told me a few days ago, it was fantasy, but he wrote here for months saying it was real, the real in-love with his other woman. She is married, and dumped my husband. <p>I would suggest counseling with the Harleys, it didn't help us, cause my WH didn't want to follow any plan, except his plan. But the Harleys, have a very good plan, if both of you agree from your heart that this is what you two want. <p>Remember depression, is a real sick illness. I know I am in a deep depression, but to this day my WH doesnot think he is depressed at all. He says he is happy the way he is and to leave him be.<p>You can't get through the thick FFOOGG they are in, they think it is for real, they think the other person is the A+ person in their life, but the statistics shows that two adulterers in an affair come together, and the time they are together is quite short. They lived on fantasy, euphoria, they didn't see the real OP for who they really are, they didn't live with the OP to see their faults, there weaknesses, of course they made themselves look really good for the OP, cause why not, nothing to lose, their spouse is sitting home waiting for them. <p>Talk with the Harleys, and follow Plan A. I at your point wouldn't do Plan B as yet. Sleep in separate rooms, but do counseling together, and Plan A.<p>Knowing from experience, I wished my WH would of gotten out of the house with plan B when the counselors, (the Harleys) told him to get out of the house that night. He became so balistic, so screaming, calling me names, and calling our kids pretty bad names. He threw things, kicked the dogs, and became a balistic man. To this day, we both filed for divorce, mine got to him first,
WH goes balistic if things don't go his way. Like the divorce papers, says his lawyer is going to contest the papers, because the WS is most likely the controller in the house. My WH is a controller, has been even in his childhood, now I am being dumped by him, and he is a happy balistic man. He is threatening me with so many things now, but all I have to say is go see my lawyer. My WH has posted here for over a year, and he still came up with the same questions after all these years, what is love, what is in-love, what is vows, etc.<p>You seem to really love your wife, go to her, tell her you want to really work at meeting her emotional needs, do the counseling, and show her that she is special. I was never treated special by my WH. Good Luck