Hi everyone:<p> I am a long time reader but this is the first time I am posting. I am hoping that someone out there has been in similiar circumstances and can comment on my situation.<p>I have been married for 13 years and have 2 boys (7 and 3) <p>My husband has not touched me in almost four years (no sex, no hand holding, no cuddling, no kissing, no holding). I am a person who needs alot of physical attention and I am just dying inside. My self esteem has gone down tyremendously and I walk around with pain all the time (and alot of anger too) <p>He does not see anything wrong with this. In addition, if I bring the subject of our marriage up, he leaves the room, becomes disrespectful, and usually finds a way to make me feel like a fool for asking.<p>My husband (and I do use the term loosely), will not socialize with anyone (outside of work - work is is priority), we have no 'couple friends' (I have my own friends, he has work associates), we do not really go out as a couple. He does not have alot of interest in going to the older boy's activities like soccer, hockey, etc so I actually do pretty much everything(he will go occasionally).
He likes to lie on the coach and watch tv and read business books pretty much all of his free time.<p>He critisizes me alot about not working full time. I now work part time. Both my children are very active and very challenging, and need a fair amount of extra attention (one has ADHD).<p>Anyways, we basically live in the same house, our conversation is about money, what's for dinner, etc. ANytime I bring up anything personal, he gets very defensive and critical.<p>I have endured alot of pain and rejection over the past few years but in the past year or so, I have become quite strong but when I look at other marriages I realize how sick ours is. I feel like crying all the time...my dreams have been shattered.<p>SO, sorry this is so long, I will cut it off now even though there is alot more.<p>One more thing, he will ABSOLUTELY NOT go for any type of counselling of any kind...even for the kids.
I have had it and am strongly considering separating but I am afraid of two things:<p>(1) How will he react...he is fanatic about money and when he realizes how a separation will affect the money, he will go crazy..(ie - I have contributed alot)
(2) what will happen to him ie - I am positive he is depressed (I still care about him..)<p>ANy comments or advice will be appreciated.<p>THanks and have a great day.

hollydoll,<p>I don't have any great words of wisdom for you tonight, Just wanted to reach out and let you know that there was someone out here that read your sad story and can say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation.<p>Before you make any decisions I would seek guidance from a lawyer as far as making sure you and the boys are going to survive this finacially.<p>I would also talk to a professional counselor as to how you might deal with your husband, I can tell that you love him still and want something more from this man and this marriage.<p>Do not post only here on this board but go to the GQII board as it gets more traffic.<p>I am sure that there are others out there that will help you out with advise. I am sure that you have already read everything that there is to read here.<p>I will be here for a while yet tonight if you want to talk a little.<p>Take care,
Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

I know how you feel. My husband doesn't care much for me anymore either. He got custody of his 15 year old and I now have a 13 month old. I'm not sure which made the change in our marriage, but I have never been so lonely. The stepmonster is at his Mom's tonight and my daughter goes to be at 8 pm- yet here i am. Lonliness is terrible, Let me know if there are any answers besides divorce???<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: marlat1 ]</p>

marlat1,
What an interesting post to be your first!

hollydoll,<p>It really sounds like your H doesn't have clue. It's going to be really hard to wake him up.<p>Is there something you aren't telling us? I'm sorry to pry, but this is an annonymous forum and it is supposed to be safe. What happened 4 years ago? How were things in the beginning of the marriage? What changed? How did your H come to the point of reading or watching TV all the time he isn't working? Was he always that way?<p>In short, tell us more. I don't guarantee that anyone here can help, but on the other hand, you have nothing to lose.<p>-AD

HI HD,
I,m sorry to hear your pain, one thing I didn't see in your post is , " Where is both you and your husbands spiritual lives"?...I feel like you live in a walled in house where no spirit of life is flowing through it? At this point divorce is not the answer. I would try writing your husband a letter and state what you are going through and also what you want, also when you hand him your letter give him a copy of the book His needs, her needs....<p>In the mean time you need to work on you!! you also need to read his needs, her needs...<p>You got to make some positive impact steps otherwise you'll end up a WS/W having an affair then find yourself in severe emotional pain worse than what you are going through now..Good Luck!!

marlat1,<p>Please post your story so that we may be of help to you too, I see that you changed your post here. I'm thinking that you have been a lurker for awhile. I do see that you have some pain.<p>Please post so that you may gain from the support of others here at MB.<p>Take care, look forward to your post!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I know the pain you are experiencing!! I've been there!!... I cried out to God so much!!<p>Writing the letter, expressing your desire for a mutually satisfying marriage, is a good idea. Tell him how much you are hurting and what you need. Caringly share your concern for his emotional health (depression) and that he should get help. If he does not respond to this or doesn't want to read Harley's book, and he won't go to counseling, then....<p>the next step is to contact your pastor. Share with him what is going on, and ask him if he would contact your husband and find out what the problem is. Why is he depressed? What issues need to be resolved? What will he do about the damage being done to his wife's heart? The pastor will listen, teach and confront him about his lack of involvement in the marriage covenant he promised to do. Biblically, according to Matthew 18:15-19, it is the church's responsibility to intervene before spouses become "hard-hearted" (Matthew 19) which leads to divorce. The church not only conducts weddings but should be a support to couples in crisis. <p>Please write again about what happens! HUGS to you!!

If I read this right your husband "froze up" ablut the time you got pregnant with your youngest. Knowing that all men have an emotional need for sex that is famous for overriding just about all else I have to ask what outlet for his sexual needs did he come up with? While I suppose he could be having an affair I feel that there is another answer. When my wife was pregnant she would reject my advances. While she didn't mean to be cruel rejection is similar to rape in the degree of emotional pain it can cause. Could it be that he got hurt and just started taking care of his own needs as this was safer than taking a chance on getting told no? If so it is entirely posible that he got addicted. Does he masturbate frequently, or does he have unacounted for time on a regular basis?
One other thing you should consider is that his behavour of refusing to deal with it is likely from one of two reasons. One is that the subject is simply too painfull to deal with, and like a kid with an infected splinter doesnt want anyone poking around making it hurnt worse, even though it would meen a cure. The other is that he does not want an afair to come to light. Either way the thing needs dealing with but you should aproach carefully untill you can rule out #1.
Whatever the deal you should have read both Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs recently before jumping too far in any direction.
Also, being a man and having lived in a mans world all my life I think I see that he is used to having confidence in being able to control the situation whenever you aproach him. By involving a councelor, preferably a man, you can have "borrowed authority" when confronting him. Do so carefully and with much forethought. Think things through before confronting him and do so in love, not selfishness. He sounds like he is used to "counterattacking" when you confront him and you need to be prepared to not allow yourself to lose your composure. If you let him make you mad, or cry, ect. you loose. When you get past his defences he will likely be angry at first, but be prepared to lead him lovingly into either counceling, or cooperation with Dr Harley's methods.<p>[ May 04, 2002: Message edited by: dsimmons78025 ]</p>