My H and I have had problems throughout our marriage. A little extra baggage here and there. But for us, it seems to never end. <p>For years I thought it was all my fault, all the fights, the time spent apart..... I was usually told it was anyway. I believed that for so long.<p>I haven't been able to believe anything that comes out of his mouth for years. And of course, I am always wrong about something unless one of his friends says the same thing. And even then, it is conveniently forgotten that I ever said it.<p>My H lives in his own reality most of the time. He can say, or do, something to me that is so hurtful, and then swear he never did. <p>When all the "let's sit down and talk" is done and nothing improves and lines are still crossed, it feels as though it is all purposely done to hurt. After all, he makes an educated decision about it before he does it all. If he knows it hurts me, why continue after knowing it does unless that is the goal?<p>I am not even looking at hanging around for the kids anymore. I have been so alone throughout our marriage that I would just rather be completely alone as opposed to lying next to someone every night and feeling so lonely and lost.<p>I am no longer confused. I know that fault lies anywhere you want to look. I have reverted to doing the 'blunt' thing when speaking to H now. I don't even like subtlety anymore. The fact is, once I thought about how life would be without having to do this everyday, I have started smiling again.<p>I do love my H, but there is no trust or respect there anymore. The only time he tries to even earn it or give me the EN I have is when he thinks I am going to leave. And then it only lasts until he thinks I am going to stay. So how can I even believe that he is sincere when he may say it with all sincerity, then turn around and tell me that he doesn't have time for me. I guess I really don't have anything left for this relationship any longer.<p>I suppose the bottom line is this.......is it really over this time? Could I possible move on and be happy now?<p>I would love to hear any opinions offered on this. <p>g-j

Of course you can be happy without your husband! Believe it or not, you can start being happy today. How? By detaching yourself emotionally from your husband. Don't let his negative comments and lies affect you. His behavior is a reflection on him; not on you. You can't stop him from behaving in this way. You can only control your reactions. <p>Besides detaching, another thing you can do to start being happy today is focus on yourself. Honestly assess what problems in the marriage are your fault and what you can do to fix them. This not something that you do for your husband but for YOURSELF. If you don't identify and solve your problems, you're going to carry them around until you do. Even into your next relationship...<p>Start taking care of yourself!! Instead of going our with your husband and his friends (and having your husband spend the evening making negative comments about you) or engaging your husband in another apparently pointless discussion, make plans with people that you like and are kind to you and fun to be with.<p>Doing these things (detaching, controlling your reactions and emotions, taking care of yourself) won't be easy at first but please try! The more you do, the better you'll feel, believe me.<p>Unfortunately, if you would like an answer as to whether you should stay in your marriage, only you can make that decision. Your posting sounds like you already have decided to leave. Only you know what's best for you and how much unhappiness you can tolerate. However, you can start taking steps immediately to make yourself happy, even before you leave your marriage.<p>Best of luck to you.

I would like to share something that I wrote the month I decided to end my 16 yr emotionally and verbally abusive marriage.<p>I went back and forth about wanting to stay
married or ending it.
At the time I was in therapy.
My therapist left me with a question at the end of our sessions.
"How are your fears preventing your forward progress" ?
When I searched my heart and answered in truth
I was able to say, "the love I once had for him was shattered, I was only afraid of making the change"<p>
-------------------------------------------------<p>Bath Time<p>It was like all these years I brought in this huge tub, filled it with water, warmed just right.
I lit candles all around the dark room and I bathed and washed him. I cared for him, but his anger raged on and on. I became the object of his rage.<p>The limitations he found within his own being
and the uselessness he felt towards himself
intensified. He then directed this hostility
towards me.<p>I in turn just kept heating more water to make sure the temperature was just right. Once I tried
adding bubbles.... he did not want the bubbles
so I emptied the whole tub and started over.<p>Sometimes, but not very often, the bath was just
right and he was satisfied.<p>All those years there was one thing I wanted...
just once it would have been wonderful for him
to have drawn one bath for me.
It was the dream of a young woman. That dream was crushed early on.<p>But still I drew his bath. Until one day
when all my life was about drained away,
I realized I no longer wanted to bathe him.<p>My mind cleared..... I became conscious of my own
worth.<p>I choose not to identify me... with him.<p>The beginning September 1994

wow....both of you really hit me hard.<p>I know what you mean about learning how to be happy on my own. Right now detachment from him is really easy. I don't have many warm, fuzzy, feelings toward him presently. So detachment is no problem.<p>I just know that, even if things do get better, I will probably never trust him again. Nor do I want to go through all this mess again.<p>I have started doing things for me that make me happy. It may only be going for a drive on a sunny day, but it's a start. I am now working on my own, and that feels good. I know I am nervous about starting over, but I know that I can do good by my kids. I may not be able to buy them Hillfiger jeans anymore....but they won't hurt for anything either.<p>ATwink.......your poetry blew me away. I can relate to it all so much that it made me stop for a minute to catch my breath. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I hate that this happens to people all the time.
I really want to say thank you for sharing that with me. I think I am still in shock from the depth of it. Reminds me of all the nights I cried myself to sleep....cuz I knew in my heart things would never change.
Thank you again.

I'm sorry you are going through this!!! Big hugs to you! I've been there too.... <p>My H was controlling, verbally abusive, etc... First half of marriage I reacted...until I hit depression. Then I said to myself, I'm going to pull out of this depression and start getting improvement here!!... In order to heal, I detached from H, did lots of reading (knowledge is powerful), got counseling, I got stronger...<p>I brought my H before counselors and pastor (Matthew 18: 15-19) to teach him what a healthy marriage is and to confront him on the ways he's been offending me and violating the marriage covenant. In this way you find out where his heart is-- is he soft-hearted to take rebuke and change or is he the hard-hearted man Jesus spoke of in Matthew 19 who ends up in divorce. Let your husband make his choice about this marriage and his behavior. <p>My husband decided to quit all counseling, he said he can't change, and he filed for divorce over a month ago. I'm sorry he made that choice not to grow and love and get healthy for himself, this marriage, and the kids. But I've done all I can do. He's been shown the right way and refused it.<p>This is what you've got to do, Biblically, is bring him to your pastor to confront him. Let it be your spouse's choice to wake up and begin taking responsibility for his evil behavior and become a Godly, loving husband, or set you free.<p>Remember the church's responsibility isn't just to conduct weddings, but to intervene when couples are in crisis and provide support. <p>I found a wonderful pastor and small group ladies Bible study that are a tremendous support to me.
Thank God, I'm going forward!!<p>[ May 04, 2002: Message edited by: Renae ]</p>

I've done the depression, I even pulled myself out of it with the help of a great counselor. I became educated in the area of relationships by reading books and going to websites such as this one over the years. We tried marital counseling. You name it, we did it.<p>The bottom line is this: a few things here and there may change.....for a little while. But it doesn't last. <p>There are some things I can not forgive. I know I am not a very forgiving person. I should just let it go and believe that it will be taken care of one day. Maybe 10 years ago I would have done that, but I am now very sick of being walked on.<p>I suppose I will wait this one out, but part of me says, "What's the point?" It will be just like before. We've gone on this roller coaster many times, and its just the same ride over and over again. I end up puking on it and he gets mad cuz I ruined the ride for him.<p>same old thing. I'm just to the point now, that I don't feel that hoping it would work out is worth the effort. I feel like I would seriously be letting myself down if I allow that hope to glimmer.

Hey Gym,<p>For myself, writing Bath Time was an amazing release.
I think the comfort can be found in the fact that
so many go through the same thing and it does
feel good to think someone can understand the
place we are in. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I choose to end the marriage for my kids sake.
In 1994 my dtr was 12 and my son 10.
What was I teaching my dauthter through my actions.
No matter how someone treats you, you just stay and
take it.!
My son was becoming his Dad. He was starting to
mouth off and back talk me with a sound that
was ohhhh so familier.
I KNEW the cycle needed to be broken.<p>Today I do not hold my finger up and point it
towards him with blame.
I choose to stay and take responsibility for that time.<p>Everything in my life has been a learning
and I am the stronger for it today.<p>I wish you peace and extend a hug of understanding your way... {{{ gym-Junkie }}}<p>Namaste`<p>* Twink *

PS....<p>One other thing that helped me through was a
quote that Huck Finn said:<p>"Ya can't pray a lie"