Hello, my name is Jim (34). I have been married
> to my wife Annette (34)
> for close to 3 years. We were together before that
> for 6. She has filed for
> divorce.
> Our relationship was great. I could sense that a
> lot of our friends were
> jealous of how well we got along. We were very open
> and very close from the
> very beginning. She was married before when she was
> 20-21. She always told me
> they got divorced because he was to controlling.
> About a year before we were married we bought a
> 3 family home which
> turned into a big source of stress after we got
> married. More stressful began
> to happen such as her parents getting older (76 & 80
> ), her Mom having
> cancer, my mother and Annette never getting along (
> which I expected ),
> Annette ( retail manager ) having conflicts with her
> employees resulting in
> her leaving that job ( she may have been fired ).
> 10-00 She got a new job
> with more responsibility, 7-00 She was involved in
> an accident where a guy
> had a heart attack while riding a bike and hit her
> while she was
> rollerblading. She seen this guy die. She always
> would become friends with
> selected employees. I had told her this is not a
> good idea. 12-00 I was
> involved in a snowmobile accident, I broke my leg
> and could have easily been
> killed. Doctors called her at work and told her what
> had happened and said
> that I was in bad shape. She said she was very
> scared, she thought she was
> going to lose me. 12-00/1-01 I cannot walk and she
> was getting overwhelmed.
> Getting to the point.. I found out about
> another man after she left 2-01
> to stay with a girlfriend (employee, 56yo 2x
> divorced, going through
> depression). I ask her to see a therapist with me
> and she does. The therapist
> tells her that she has to do what she feels is
> right. Her story-- " he's just
> a friend" I found her spending nights at his place
> and out in public with him
> not wearing her ring. I followed her around a lot to
> find out what was really
> going on. This made her very upset. 4-01 Moved to an
> apt. together trying to
> start new. Things were pretty good except I knew her
> relationship with this
> guy was more than just friends, but she would not
> admit it. 8-01 She tells me
> she wants me to move out. I did and I asked her not
> to get a boyfriend and to
> spend this time working on herself. She immediately
> began seeing this guy
> again. The car she had was in my name and I took it
> from her in anger after
> she would hide it somewhere while she was with him.
> ( His wife had him leave
> in Oct. 2000. ) She says I'm a nice guy but she
> doesn't love me any more.
> She feels independent. I have tried to explain
> something I've learned about
> these feelings through many books, but she doesn't
> seem to "get it". She has
> stopped talking with anyone that knows me including
> her family, which she was
> very close with. She has tried to say that I am too
> controlling (same story
> from her first marriage) But people that know me
> know that I am far from that
> type of person. I have sent her many letter trying
> to explain things.. that I
> have no wish to be in a marriage were one person is
> controlling the other,
> but I am fighting for a very equal relationship..
> Etc..
> She Did not like me pursuing her and she filed
> for divorce in Dec. 01.
> I had stopped seeking her in Nov. I was surprised
> she was taking such
> drastic measures. I have found oout that her
> relationship with OM has been
> shaky. But out divorce date is coming soon ( June
> ). I am contesting the
> divorce stating the stress she has been under and
> that she is not thinking
> clearly. Her emotions are doing her thinking.
> The grounds that she is stating are " Cruel and
> Inhumane Treatment". Believe
> me, I would never treat her or any woman in this
> manner. At risk of sounding
> egotistical I can say that I am a nice guy, and many
> people tell me that. All
> of our friends don't understand her like I do and
> they can only think she
> bumped her head. In the past I have had feelings of
> wanting a divorce also or
> getting involved with someone else. I only feel this
> way when stress is high
> and I don't act on these feelings. I am staying true
> to my wife and my
> marriage. I am proud to say Annette was my first and
> I would like her to be
> my only. I know she will want to come back one day.
> I don't know if I can
> take her back if this divorce happens. I want
> someone who is committed to a
> marriage in good and bad times. It's just too bad
> that she started this
> divorce so soon. I feel she started the divorce to
> show the OM that she
> loves him and that we are over.
> I was thinking of trying to contact her again and
> have her read the
> beginning of the book "Surviving an Affair". Or
> maybe contacting the OM about
> this also, and maybe show him the person I really
> am, or give him some
> insight on her. I know their relationship will die a
> " natural death " but
> can I help it along.
>
> I would appreciate any feedback. Thank You
>
>
>
> PS.. The therapist we were seeing, and she
> still is, bases her practice
> on the Bowen Theory. After about 8 sessions with her
> she had not mentioned
> this to either of us. Not until she seen I was doing
> a lot of reading and she
> recommended a book about Bowen Theory to me.
> "Extraordinary Relationships"
> I did learn a great deal from this book, $15. Far
> more than I did in my 8
> sessions, $600!!!!
> I have always been concerned how well she is
> helping Annette. I feel she
> has good intentions, but she may be too "deep" for
> Annette, or just not the
> right chemistry.

Jim, I really feel for you buddie. I too, am going through a very similar ordeal. With in 21 days. My wife of 7mo.s (together for 3yrs) has secretly met OM & tried to hide it. I found out a few weeks ago & confronted her with it. She lied several times, till I gaver here proof of her affair. Then, she wants her space. Only to find out that she took full advantage of this situation & kept seeing him. After a week or so she says she wants a divorce. I filed, but wish I nerver did. Now, the papers are being processed & we're waiting on a date. She has moved into another apt. & will not tell me where she live, & we only talk about trivial things. She does feel that all her family, my family, & her employees (retail mgr. as well) are against her. Thus, she has this "I don't care about anyone" attitude. I've tried EVERYTHING to save out marriage & I'm still not giving up. Yet, as much as I hate to say it, I think we will wind up divorce & she with someone else. She says, that the OM is no longer talking to her in fear of me, but I think it may just be another lie. Man, whatever it takes to save you marriage, do it. If it doesn't work out then at least you know you did everything you could & you NOT the one at falt.<p>Good luck, Jimmy

Your post got me because this was how I felt over
two years ago when my husband filed for divorce...
I didn't want a divorce.<p>I found a web site that gave me hope and taught me what to do to save my marriage.<p>I am still not divorced and he would have to file all over again at thins point. He is not home yet but, he will be.We spend a lot of time together.<p>Two vey important things I learned was:
1 I could not convince my husband of anything. I could not change his mind.<p>2 I stopped asking him to come home.<p>Please do not confront the other man, this would only make things worst.<p>If you want to save your marriage, it will require a lot from you. Believe me when I say it will be worth. The process has given me much more than it has taken in pain. Just like child birth, the pain has been worth all the work.<p>I don't know where you stand with God, I was a lost sheep when this started. I found that God was the only one...ONLY ONE...that could give me the true commitment I wanted from my marriage. It wasn't my church that taught me this, it was a book from the web site I am going to give you. It cost about $15 but, the results have been priceless. It will take a commitment on your part.
It just depends on how bad you want your marriage.<p>Go to this site and read the testimonies.<p>www.restorem.org<p>gentle

It grieves my heart to hear what you men are going through with these wayward wives! Whatever issues need to be dealt with in themselves or in you or in the marriage, there are tools to work on it. The answer is not running to someone else; that only complicates things worse! <p>Take a look at this: http://www.growthtrac.com/discover/cb001/<p>Also, have you guys considered contacting your pastor, share with him what your wives are doing, and ask him to confront her?....<p>See, Church isn't just for weddings; it is also Biblically responsible to intervene in marital crisises, holding people accountable for their covenant, commitments, relationships, moral/ethical choices and well-being. According to Matthew 18:15-19, when someone is sinning against you, you go to the pastor and have the offender confronted, so they don't end up being the one in Chapter 19--"hard-hearted" and in divorce!! These WS's need to be brought to accountability for their actions, reminded that God wasn't kidding when he said not to commit adultery! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 05, 2002: Message edited by: Renae ]</p>

Jcollins, My wife also tried to say that OM was afraid of me and that he said that he didn't want to get in the middle of us. This may have been true but, I think she convinced him otherwise.
You say your trying to save your marriage? You filed? I know you spent some money but, did you do so while under a lot of stress? You can withdraw the petition.
I know that sticking out during this time is very hard and sometimes may not seem worth it knowing life is short but, life is much more enjoyable in the longrun if you have been true to yourself and stuck by your values.

I too am in a the same situtation - my H left me 2 weeks ago - stating he didn't want to answer to anyone (me or the kids). I'm lost & desperate, I love him so much- he said he doesn't hate me, he still cares, but doesn't want to live with the fighting anymore - I would love to work out our problems, but I don't know what I can do to get him to rethink our marriage & make him want to come back - any suggestions?