I'm new to the forum but I've read nearly every word on Dr. H's site. I harbor a lot of resentment for things my husband has done in the past . . . emotional affairs, lying about his past, pornography. Some of it done while I was pregnant and at my most vulnerable. We've discussed all of it several years ago and I thought got it all out in the open. I know he has truly changed his thinking and tried hard to make it up to me. However I can't seem to forgive and forget, and have begun to wonder if I will ever think of him again as the person I want to spend my life with. I'm not sure if I will ever really trust him not to hurt me again. I came to this site to find a way to get those feelings back again, but even thought I believe in what Dr. H is saying, I can't seem to muster the desire to make things better. I've seen a lot of good advice and insight in these postings . . . has anyone out there been in a similar situation, and if so what did you do?

Jamie2,<BR> Sigh. Our stories sound very similar. You may never completely know whether or not your husband is keeping his promises about the porn, and you need to decide whether or not you can live with that slight uncertainty. Is he meeting your emotional needs in other ways? Is he affectionate? Respectful? Etc. I completely go back and forth between being happy and then "love busting" big time because I am so hurt about the past, and confused about trust issues. I understand the shame you mentioned, but I don't think it's necessary, for either of us. My, it's good to talk to someone else about this who really understands. My H had an EA, too, so I understand that, too, unfortunately. My H is really pulling away from me now, but I don't blame him because my moods about our marriage really go up and down. We took a vacation about a month ago, and it was wonderful. I think if we had more time to spend together (committed more time together), things could get better. Have you gotten either individual counseling or joint counseling? I've been to both good and bad counselors; make triple-sure you're getting a good one. The Harleys have phone counseling, although I've never tried it. This is what I've come to understand--even though things occurred in the past, that doesn't really make them just "past issues" if they continue to hurt/bother you. Does your H know how you are feeling? Do you know why his EA occurred? You mentioned being pregnant--how many kids do you have? I don't think I'll ever feel EXACTLY the way I did about my H years ago. But, the question is, can I/you make our respective marriages really good, anyway?

Jmv – It’s nice to find someone who understands. I guess, in a way, I am living with that uncertainty, since we have good as well as bad days and I’m still with him. But I haven’t consciously made a decision to live with the uncertainty and I still question whether I can or not. He is respectful and affectionate toward me and I believe tries to meet my needs . . . I think he will do better in that area (and I will too) after I introduce him to the emotional needs questionnaire, which I plan to do this weekend since our daughter is staying at a friend’s house and we will have time alone (we have one 8-year old girl). I know he wants to make me happy and I’m sure that’s the main reason I’ve stayed despite the resentment I feel. But, like you, I have days when I still question whether he’s just putting up a front and is still being dishonest with me. I think the EA occurred for much the same reason the porn did . . . when I met him he was 30 and had never been married or lived with anyone, and had not had any long term relationships . . . so I don’t think he ever learned how to take a wife/girlfriend’s feelings into consideration. I don’t think he even thought he was having an EA or doing anything wrong with porn; he was just used to doing things his way and not having to adjust his actions to make someone else happy. But even knowing all this, there’s still the resentment and what to do about it. Maybe I’m just a particularly unforgiving and distrustful person. I know I have a lot of problems from an abusive childhood to overcome and I’m sure some of that affects my ability to have a really good intimate relationship. Whatever the reason, my feelings for him have changed over the years, will never be the same, and I’m not sure I’d even want them to be the same because trusting him blindly again would give him more opportunity to hide things from me. It’s sad that things have to come to this in marriages.<BR>I hope that whatever counseling you get will turn things around for you.

Jamie2,<BR> Read my post to you on the "Emotional Needs" board!