Hi: I am a newcomer to MB. I've been reading this for about a month now and I wish I had discovered this website a long time ago. <p>I don't even know if I'm posting in the right section. Please bear with me because as short as I try to keep this I have a tendency to give too much detail.<p>Here, it goes. I am the BS. My WS has a girlfriend who he's been seeing for about 1 1/2 yrs. We have been separated for about the same length of time but DV day was in Jan. 2002. <p>Throughout the whole that we've been separated he has wanted to have his cake and eat it too. And even after our divorce he has wanted the same thing. He's always told me that he wants for us to be friends and through this time I have tried but I just can't anymore. He told me one day that the only reason he has asked for DV was because he someday wanted for us to get back together again for a new start. But I never believed him. I had found a note that his girlfriend had written to him where she took it upon herself to call & schedule a class that was mandatory for divorce to go through. It was at this point that he went ahead and took the class. I gave him dv because he asked for it which at that point I still did not want it but had never expressed this to him because of pride (I suppose). The divorce went uncontested. He never even showed up for court or anything. Just signed the papers and it was done.<p>WS and I were best friends and he was great husband not to mention excellent father until A took place. Then he became a whole different person. I found it difficult to believe that he would leave us for OW. OW has reputation, been married 5 times and has 5 daughters. <p>To this day he still insists he wants for us to be friends and when I try to Plan B he somehow finds a way to sneak his way back into my life. Which just sets me back 2 steps. The other day he sent me e-mail telling me that he still loved me but that all he had ever wanted was for me to be nice to him. I've always thrown jabs at him which I have stopped doing in the last month now. <p>I'd be lying if I said that I felt nothing when he sent me that e-mail. It kind of tickled my heart [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] But I didn't acknowledge. If he loved me he to this day wouldn't still be with the OW. <p>Some days I am perfectly happy raising my 2 daughters. Then other days I am so lonely and miss him an awful lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy because I do still love him. <p>Please help. Your opinions are very much needed. Thank you for taking the time to read this long drawn out story.

Hi Dopey, sounds like he does want his cake and eat it to. You stated that if he truely loved you to this day he would't be with OW..
Well, if he is getting his cake and eating it to, why would he want things any differently???
Sounds like he is getting the best of both worlds.<p>It sounds like you are on the right course now, Plan B with no LBs (jabs as you put it), I think you just need some fine tuning on your plan..
For Plan B to work you have to set some good boundries, you stated he is finding way though, my STBXW is doing that too but have had some luck recently plugging the holes. I am sure that if you post some more details regarding the boundry issue you will get also of good suggestions on how to plug the holes, set some boundries, and fine tune you plan... You also need the boundries to protect yourself.... <p>Don't worry about a long post, the more details the better..<p>Take care,
Dave

Thanks so much Dave. As terrible as it is for anybody to have to go through this kind of pain it helps to know that you're not the only one going thru it.<p>Speaking of boundaries. My XH just came to drop off our daughters as I was trying to fix my mower. He saw and came over to fix it for me. We got to talking about the weather and my daughters were trying to tell me about the picnic they had today with him and OW and her kids. Anyway, talk about insensitive. I didn't want any LB's so I just smiled at the girls and told them I was glad they had a good time.<p>Then my XH turns and looks at me and says "Oh, my girlfriend(won't say name) has a basketball hoop and wants to know if you want it?" Well, so much for the nice attitude. I couldn't believe he asked me that. I of course, didn't reply very nicely so then he left. <p>Who do these people think they are? I've tried to set boundaries but as soon as he can tell I'm becoming strong he hooks me like a fish.<p>Every morning and night he will call our girls to say good morning and night. I will tell them that I have nothing to say to him and he will tell them to tell me he has something to ask me regarding them. He will send me e-mails. For awhile, I would always drop off the girls or pick them up just to keep him from coming to my house. But there's times that my littlest will cry and want him to bring her to tuck her into bed. <p>The last thing I want is to keep them from being or seeing their dad anytime they want. But then I end up getting hurt in the long run. <p>I have to admit though I am becoming stronger since MB. Alot more than I used to be. <p>Of course, though I still need help. I've even gone so far as to tell him that if he didn't stop sending e-mails or doing other things that I would go to the OW. I don't think he believes me. <p>I know he knows that I still love him and that's why I'm so easily manipulated. But enough is enough.<p>Please, help.

Welcome Dopey,<p>Not to disagree with the above poster, because he's correct, but Plan B is followed by Plan A. While it's been a long while since you've had an actual marriage, there is a lot of hope in your post. It may be that the affair has run its course?<p>On the friendship issue, I say forget it. If your marriage does end in divorce I can't imagine you'd want a person who has done this to you and your family as a friend. Just my opionion on the friends thing, because lots of them (infidels) use that line as some kind of pacification.<p>Your H wrote an email saying he loves you, that is wonderful. Even better because you still love him too. How about a strong Plan A and, by his words NO jabs. A month is a short time to show him the changes you have made in yourself. If I am reading correctly here, you remain sexual with him as well? That gives you lots of contact time for your Plan A and says bunches about the nature of the relationship with the OW.<p>After Plan A, you move to Plan B as Dave said, no contact, none. This is a cake eating situation for sure. Maybe after you read here you'll decide moving to no contact is correct right now.<p>Biggest problem I see is a pushy OW. It is the OW's goal and primary job in life to push a divorce through. I see yours is very good at her job. If you don't want this divorce, throw up some road blocks that are not LBs (love busters) to your H. Might make her mad, but who cares?<p>Read about the plans here:<p>Plan A/B<p>Good Luck, come back and let us know how you're doing, feeling, thoughts, etc.<p>IS

Hey Again D,<p>Posting at the same time I think. First, click on the sunglasses above your post and add this to your Profile. It will change all of your posts:<p>Married 10 yrs Together 17 yrs
D-day 6/10/00
WS left home 9/22/01 lives w/ brother
Dv-Day 1/9/02
2 DD 8 & 5 <p>I now note your H does not live w/the OW. Hooray for that!<p>This is where I should depart because I am not capable of Plan A myself. I know it involves a lot of tongue biting. For example: Let me think about the basketball hoop, not sure I want the entire neighborhood in my driveway. And of course in your mind, NO WAY do I want her yard scrap.<p>I know it was for your kids, but does he some how view your home as his too? Is he still keeping that fix and repair thing open? That's a good sign too.<p>As for the rest of what you said, I'm right there with you. The good Daddy phone calls don't impress me at all. The farce of the little group of fabu friends, trading basketball hoops makes me want to puke. Got ya, and totally understand your feelings.<p>Maybe you are ready for Plan B.<p>Good Luck again,<p>IS

InShock: Here are the answers to some of your questions. <p>1. WH has not lived in our new home because he had moved out when I bought this one. (I had to sell last home because I couldn't afford it on my own. Keep in mind, this WAS his dream house & 2 1/2 months after buying it he began his A.)<p>2. WH always offers to come and help me out with various tasks around the house. <p>I don't think I explained myself clearly. I'm sorry for any misunderstandings. But my WH had moved out of the house but never wanted to lose our friendship. All along I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to get along with him for my girls' sake. I really tried never to get super angry w/ him except for the night that he told me about the affair.<p>Just recently after the OW scheduled his class for him was when he told me that he wanted divorce. Divorce was the last thing I had wanted but because of pride and the love I felt for him. I went ahead & gave him divorce. He did not make any court appearances so I got everything I wanted. <p>Then it was the night the divorce became final he told me that the only reason he had asked for divorce was because he someday wanted for him & I to have a clean and fresh start. I laughed at him at the time and told him that it was a nice gesture but no thanks because I was not going to wait around until he decided to quit having his fun.<p>I felt terribly lonely & sad the day of our divorce and didn't want to tell my daughters. I had trouble believing that my XH even asked me for the divorce because in my heart I didn't think he would ever go through with it. Evidently, the OW doesn't know that he never showed up for any court appearances.<p>Since then I have tried mild Plan B but like I said before he always dangles a carrot in front of me. I want to be strong enough to move on with my life & not let him manipulate me. Otherwise, I will never be the mother I know I'm capable of being because my daughters are #1 in my life. <p>Through MB I have learned that I need to stop wallowing in my self pity because nobody but myself can make my life what I want it to be. I feel that I am an independent, hard working, fun & loving mother & person. Someday I hope to stop loving him. To be perfectly honest though, I can tell it's not as strong as it used to be even a month ago. <p>And I owe this to MB and in reading everyone else's post it's & support for one another. It's a wonderful thing.<p>And yes, InShock, I agree that I also am not impressed by WXH calling my girls every day. It's all just a farce. But I will never put him down to my daughters because someday they will realize the terrible thing he did and the sadness he left behind.<p>Thank you so much for your input InShock. I hope to get more replies and support from everyone else. I hope to hear from you as well.<p>Dopey<p>P.S. I tried doing the eyeglass thing and it didn't work. I may have done something wrong though.

I guess it did work. Sorry about that. Thank you.