I can't think. I can't make decisions. Most of the time I don't feel. I have been in this mess since October, 2000 and I have made no progress. Tomorrow I am going to counseling and for the first time in a year I asked my SBTXH and I have no idea why I am going or why I want him there.<p>In 10/2000 I found out about his almost year long afair and while I was devastated, I was relieved because it explained why while I was going to counseling to work on all the complaints he had about me nothing seemed to improve our relationship. I was alone in a battle I didn't even know I was fighting. I felt like such a fool when I found out I'd been doing all that work for nothing (for our marriage...it did help me personally). This was the second affair for me so I knew what to expect as far as pain and I think this just made me an angry, hateful person. <p>Anyway, I initially wanted to save my marriage. I think I was a fool back then. Had I left then, I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in now. I tried and tried for 5 months and he ended up moving out because I was "too oppressive". I did a lot of yelling an "how could you do this to me"'s and he didn't want to hear any of it and left.<p>When he left I went into protection mode and told him that was it. His movement out of the house was a movement of bad faith and further proved to me how selfish he was. My anger was always turned back around on me. I later became involved with another man and began the roller coaster I am not trying to get off.<p>I care about this other man greatly but was never able to give him what he deserved because at every turn I was questioning my actions and found my self missing my family. I asked my husband to work on things several times, but he always tested my resolve and each time I failed. I would not get an answer and would end up back with the OM. My husband in the mean time put a personal add on the internet and dated several women.<p>Last week I wrote my OM and told him I can't play the game any longer. That I have to find out where my relationship with my husband is going and obtain some resolution on it one way or the other. Our divorce is pending one item in the settlement agreement and could be final this month.<p>I am afraid of this appointment tomorrow. I don't know what to say or what direction I want to go. I am afraid of trying to work things out and afraid of how I will feel about myself if we don't try one more time. I already feel like a horrible person and a failure in my children's eyes. I just don't see how all this damage could ever be corrected or how I could ever trust this man again. He also says he can't trust me now. I wish I could feel something other than fear. I wish I could feel excited at the possibility of fixing my family. Is there any hope? What questions should I be asking myself to help me make a decision?<p>Thank you in advance for taking the time to read and share with me.<p>-LL

Dearest LearningLife:<p>I'm not really sure why I peeked in here this morning. I am what some would call "one of the lucky ones"-- My marriage has recovered from my H's affair...and I am now in a safe, happy, nurturing relationship (with the same man [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Your story called out to me. I feel your pain and confusion over your situation. And, it appears to me that you are NOT YET ready to give up on the HOPE that your marriage can be healed-- and that it CAN BECOME the relationship that you WANT/DESIRE.<p>I ran across this article the other day-- and thought it may help you gain insight into whether this divorce is REALLY what you want. Perhaps you can share it with your H-- perhaps he still cares for you too-- perhaps he dreams the same dream.<p>Ed Cole: She Left Me for Another Man
on 2002-04-09 10:11:35
Topic: Online Features <p>I discovered a letter I wrote to my wife, Nancy, years ago but had never given her.<p>Serendipity means to find something unexpected when we are looking for something else. Perhaps we put on a coat and find money in the pocket from the previous year. For me, it was finding a letter I had written to my wife, Nancy, years ago but had never given to her.<p>I was going through some files a month after our 54th wedding anniversary when I found it. I had written the letter decades earlier after counseling a couple determined to divorce. After they left my office I considered what it would be like to divorce Nancy and wrote her the following letter. It illustrates both my conviction based on Scripture and the genuine love God had developed in my heart for her:<p>&#8220;DIVORCE! The very word strikes terror to my heart, sends shudders of fear down my spine far worse than even the word cancer.<p>&#8220;I cannot conceive of another man holding you in a loving embrace, touching your lips growing soft, tender and sweet with loving passion. Or think of someone else putting his hand on the places sacred to our marriage.<p>&#8220;It is utterly horrible to imagine him sitting at the breakfast table with our children, listening to them tell of what they are going to do that day with their childish enthusiasm. Missing the looks on their faces, shining with the drowsy delight of awaking to another day filled with the mercies of God.<p>&#8220;The sight of another having the wonder of watching you prepare for bedtime. Or the sight and sound of your daily wonder--preparing a meal, talking to the children, watching television and talking on the phone all at the same time.
If I never told you I loved you enough, did enough to prove it, gave enough of myself to you, then please forgive me. Sometimes I became engrossed in what I was doing, failed to pay attention to you, and I regret every selfish moment of my life with you. <p>&#8220;I am frightened at the prospect of being single, of not knowing how to take care of myself after you have done it with such total caring for so long. I&#8217;m not sure I can make that adjustment, and I know I won&#8217;t be able to make wise decisions without your advice and counsel.<p>&#8220;The thought of dating is anathema to me. It seems so vulgar somehow and a violation of my very nature to attempt to find someone else to love. No! There is no place to go to find again what I had that is now so precious and priceless. There will never be a replacement for you--never. You are the original; all others would simply be an attempt to have a copy.&#8221;<p>After finding the letter, I chose to read it in public during one of our men's meetings. Why make such intimacy public? Because I believe three plagues are troubling the body of Christ worldwide: fatherlessness, divorce and pornography. Divorce is treated as casually in some Christian circles as a decision on dinner in a restaurant. It's as if God's Word never said He hated divorce.<p>Today, people think successful marriages like mine and Nancy&#8217;s are unusual, but it&#8217;s just the normal course of life lived following God's divine leading. We never intended to stand out, nor did we think of ourselves as unusual--just obedient.<p>Who today wants to wait to earn the results of righteous living in marriage? From rising divorce statistics even among Christians, it appears only the few. Will you be the new man in Christ who is centered on the will of God for family and for life?<p>This year, Nancy and I did not celebrate 56 years of marriage. We did not walk onto a plane holding hands while I embarrassed her by telling the flight attendants, "We're on our honeymoon." We did not go to her choice of a restaurant for our anniversary, nor did we shop for gifts for each other.<p>On Dec. 7, 2000, Nancy left me for another Man, the One for whom she always held her "first love"--the Lord Jesus Christ.<p>She left me with the memories of the best 54 years a man could ever have wished for this side of heaven. In some ways, the last years of our lives were serendipity, something we didn&#8217;t know we were creating when we made our decisions years earlier. My prayer for you is that you will experience a serendipity--that the decisions you make today will one day give you the good life, the God life, such as I have enjoyed.<p>--By Edwin Louis Cole (http://www. edcole.org). Originally appeared in the March/April 2001 issue of New Man magazine. All rights reserved.<p>************
My, oh my...what a mess we humans sometimes make of our lives <sigh>...<p>Remember-- you should never give up on your dream. If you can dream it, you can be it! Even if your H expresses to you that he does not have the same dream, at least you will be comforted in the fact that you ATTEMPTED...for you and for your children.<p>MIRACLES HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. <p>Peace, ~Marie

I hate to say this but I don't see much hope for your M. First, your H has had two A's and has dated several women AND you've been involved in an A of your own. To your credit you asked your H to work on things several times but only got no response from him and you've gone to counseling to work on your marriage. Yo should not feel that you are a failure in your childrens eyes because you have given it your best.<p>You have to accept the fact that you can not change your H, the only person that can change your H is your H. He has to want to change and there is nothing you can do to force him to change.<p>Like Marie said, miracles can happen, but I wouldn't hold my breath for them. In the meantime you should start mapping out your new life as a single woman and mother.<p>But I must tell you that you are making a grave mistake by continuing a relationship with OM because any relationship that is started before or right after another one has ended has very little chance of succeeding. A year is what is normally recommended before a person is ready for another R. Without this time period, you have no chance of analizing what were the things from your side that contributed to the deterioration of your last R and thus avoiding repeating them in the next R. So please seriously consider what I have just said.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe