I've been divorced now for 7 months. I cannot imagine having a new relationship. I was married for almost 8 years, and had been with him for 11. I am not in love with him anymore, although I fought with everything I had to save our marriage after his repeated affairs. I have 3 young children - 4,2, and 1. I don't think it is worth it to risk being put through the hell of rejection and pain he put me through, and I am afraid a new relationship would turn my focus away from being a good mother. People think my attitude is strange, but I am happy with myself, and God has given me peace and contentment with my life. I'm just wondering about other betrayeds. Does anyone share my feelings? I am not down on the institution of marriage, and I do feel like I have a lot to offer someone else, I just am not willing to risk it. Plus, I doubt anyone is checking out me in my minivan with three carseats, with my hair in a ponytail and spitup on my shirt, and saying "I want to get me some of that!" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] So maybe this all a defensive mechanism? Any insight?
WhoAmINow (Krista)

Krista, it sounds like your are content with your life as it for now, that is the most important thing, and that is great!!!! There is no rule that says you have to be in a relationship. When you are ready for one it will happen. As far as the minivan, spitup etc, I am sure that there are many good guys that could care less about what you drive, you will want someone that accepts you children as much as you, so the minivan and everything else is part of the package. You sound like a great mother, I don't think that getting involved in a relationship, when you are ready, will change your priorities with your children. I think you will also know when you are ready, there is no time frame, no rules, or no rush, do things are your pace and don't worry.
Take care,
Dave

It's not strange.<p>You have a very full life. And you have to heal. I think the experts say you shouldn't start dating until you have been divorced at least a year. <p>My x left me when my children were 4 and 2. I didn't date until 2 years ago - and we'd been divorced about 18 months by then - after 3+ years of separation.<p>Relax. Take your time. Get to know yourself better. There's no hurry to add another complication to your life.

Krista,
It's not strange at all! I was married for over 10 years and with my ex for a total of 14. We were separated for almost a year before I went on a date. After that date it was a while before I went on another one. In September of last year, I went on what I thought would be my last date for a long time. It was my decision. It wasn't that the date went bad or anything, cause the man was very nice but I felt that I was content with the way my life was being a single mom. I wasn't worried about finding someone to "answer" to. I preferred it just being me and my sons. (I have 3, ages 12, 10 and 5)<p>Well, that didn't last long. In the beginning of November, I met a man that just swept me off my feet. And in March I married him. I broke 3 of my "dating rules" by dating and shortly afterwards, marrying my now H! LOL I dated someone younger than me (by 4 1/2 years), I dated someone I met in a bar, and I was DATING! LOL LOL But things are great and I couldn't ask for a better husband. <p>Don't think that there's a time limit or an appropriate time to start dating. It'll happen when the timing is right for you!<p>Good luck!
Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>Plus, I doubt anyone is checking out me in my minivan with three carseats, with my hair in a ponytail and spitup on my shirt, and saying "I want to get me some of that</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Was that you in the Minivan? <p>Man, I want to get me some of that... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Like many above have said, there is no rush, just live life at your pace. Personally, my X walked out 1yr & 2days ago and I've been divorced for 10 months. I've been on one kinda sorta almost date but actually have no desire at this time to activily pursue anyone. Now if a cutie drove by in minivan and pursued me, that would be kewl.<p>But for now, I'm just living my life content being the Best Daddy in the world.<p>Best of Luck to you, btw I think one of your turn signals is broken. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Krista,<p>Doesn't sound like anything at all is wrong with you..Just because your not ready to start another relationship yet..<p>When your ready you'll know it..

I feel the same way, WhoamInow. I've been divorced for almost a year and in that time I've endured a lot of elbows in my ribs from people who think the only way to get on with life is to get another partner. I'm not interested. <p>I too am quite happy with my life the way it is. I think a lot of my relatives think that I'm either waiting for my x to come back or nursing the leftoever bitterness about the divorce. Neither is true.<p>If someone comes along and convinces me that I'd be happier with her than without her, I'll consider changing my mind. Until that happens I'll just keep on driving my minivan and smiling to myself.

Krista-<p>I think you are really in touch with yourself. You will no when you are ready and no two people are alike. Just don't let the pain your X caused you make you back away from good people. There are a lot of decent men out there.<p>As for your minivan comments. I had to laugh. I myself have four kids. I drive a minivan with two carseats. Guess what? There are men out there who don't care. Trust your heart and your instincts. You'll do fine.<p>Just in case you're wondering, I was married for 10 years together almost 14. I have been separated for 15 months and divorced for two. I went on my first date a couple of weeks ago. It was awkward, but it led to a second. It was much better. Who knows what will come of it, but I'm actually anticipating the third!<p>These things take time. Keep an open mind and heart!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by still reeling:
<strong>I drive a minivan with two carseats. Guess what? There are men out there who don't care. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Actually, there are men out there who not only don't care, but actually drive minivans themselves [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . I have TWO (Chrysler, of course).<p>AGG<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: AGoodGuy ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by o2bsane:
<strong>...I've endured a lot of elbows in my ribs from people who think the only way to get on with life is to get another partner. ...I think a lot of my relatives think that I'm either waiting for my x to come back or nursing the leftoever bitterness about the divorce. Neither is true.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yeah, those are some familiar themes. I don't know where the idea comes from that healing and "moving on" has to involve a new partner. Hooking up with a new partner can indicate an unhealthy rebound as easily as it can indicate a healthy letting go of the past.<p>And personally, I don't understand why letting go of the past is considered healthy. What are you supposed to do, just forget what happened? The good along with the bad?<p>You know what? I am waiting for my PSTBXW to come back. And while I don't think I've got any bitterness to nurse, I am still hurting; and the hurt is as fresh today as it was when I was served divorce papers more than a year-and-a-half ago.<p>I married my first and only love, and we were married for almost twelve years before she deserted me. My entire romantic experience is defined by my relationship with my wife. Imagining a romantic attachment with someone else is quite literally impossible for me, to the degree that I cannot even dream at night of a liaison with a woman without that woman morphing into my wife.<p>No doubt there are plenty of people who would call me a fool or question my psychological health. You know what? I don't give a "barrier preventing the flow of water or of loose solid materials (as soil or snow)".<p>I'm not walking around mouthing Pollyanna platitudes. I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs or bemoaning my fate. I'm not hiding from a world I can no longer trust. No, I'm living life, doing things I want to do, revisiting old dreams that I shelved when I decided many years ago that nothing was more important to me than building a relationship with my wife and helping her to become all that she could become.<p>I am living the kind of life in which I can respect myself, by being the kind of person that I want to be.<p>If someone else has a problem with that, then I figure that's their problem.<p>At least, until the people in the white coats come to lock me up...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:
<strong>And personally, I don't understand why letting go of the past is considered healthy. What are you supposed to do, just forget what happened? The good along with the bad?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I guess that depends on how you define "letting go of the past". I don't know that I did anything when I finally let go, but I can remember when it happened. In other words, I'm not sure if - for me - it was a conscious decision to actively let go, or if it was just a stage of healing that I experienced passively.<p>All I know is that the day I realized that all the dreams that I had built over 20 years were gone, I felt like I was finally able to breath after having my head held underwater. It was an odd sensation, but it was welcome and it felt good. I stood back from my situation as though I were seeing myself from a vantage point outside my body. I looked at myself and my xw, and in that moment I knew that I had to cut her out of my life like a cancerous tumor because if I didn't she would still have the power to destroy me.<p>I guess this is kind of off-topic, and for that I apologize to WomamInow/Krista. To wander back to the beaten path, I'd add that I honestly do have a mini-van. I'm proud of it. But I don't have a ponytail. And I haven't noticed any women watching me as I tow my old boat to the lake with my kids in the van saying anything remotely close to "I want to get me some of that!"<p>But it's ok with me. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

At work is the worst. It doesn't happen as often but it used to be a constant thing, "When are you gonna start dating?".<p>"Ummmmmmmmmm, not yet."<p>"What are you waiting for, you should get out there."<p>"No."<p>At first it was funny, then it got annoying. Now these conversations are rare, so I don't have to deal with it anymore.<p>At this point, I'm still trying to get my life in order. It wouldn't be fair to me or the other person to get involved now. Plus, my weekends are filled with having my son and I'm not willing to give that up for anything or anyone right now.

I am not divorced yet...but it will be within the next month. My H has been gone for 9 months. I know that at some point in time I am going to want to share my life with someone. I am just not ready for it now!<p>I think that you need to do things on your own time table! If you want to go out with someone....GO. If not ...that's fine too. You need to do what is going to make you happy!<p>Just where do all of these nice people think that we are going to meet someone? I am too old for the bar scene....kind of been there done that....do you think we could get lucky and have some wonderful, handsome, guy just fall from the sky?? Oh yeah...I forgot to add rich...very rich!<p>Go at your own pace! You will know when it's time!<p>MAX [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you all for your replies - off the beaten topic replies are fine as well. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I now feel more normal. And I'm pleased to hear there are other single minivan drivers - single and minivan don't really go together - like a mom of 5 driving a Miata or something. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Bill, you crack me up. Yes, I know my turn signal is broken. The line of men following my minivan who "wanted some of that!" were following too closely. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I liked what o2bsane said
"If someone comes along and convinces me that I'd be happier with her than without her, I'll consider changing my mind. Until that happens I'll just keep on driving my minivan and smiling to myself."
Thank you all for your insightful replies. Why is it that I feel so much better whenever I come here? <p>Krista

Please excuse the overabundance of smily faces on the above post. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Krista

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>
I liked what o2bsane said
"If someone comes along and convinces me that I'd be happier with her than without her, I'll consider changing my mind. Until that happens I'll just keep on driving my minivan and smiling to myself."
Thank you all for your insightful replies. Why is it that I feel so much better whenever I come here? <p>Krista</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I agree with the above. The STBX has been gone for almost a yr but we have been in this mess for just over 3 now. <p>I am not ready but who knows.<p>My OS came home one right and basically said the following:<p>Mom, I know you need to get out more but thank you for not being one of those moms who make me keep YB while you go out to bars looking for men. Then he says I hope someday you might find someone but can it wait till I leave home & make sure YB likes him.<p>Now my OS will be a SR next yr so it is not as selfish as it sounds. I thought it rather sweet.