Hi K-<p>Just checking in to see how you are doing a week after the D. I hope this finds you doing well and life and your X treating you good.<p>Things are going good here. Actually, great! I guess there really is a silver lining, so hang in there.<p>Check in if you've got time. You're in my thoughts.<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Bump/// Bump.///<p>(GiiC))))))<p>Hope & Pray all is well.

Well, thanks guys and gals for checking in on me. I've been lurking but haven't quite known what to post.<p>What are you supposed to do the week after you're divorced? Funny. I don't feel like anything has really happened yet. I don't know what I thought would happen, but I guess I thought there would be some big change in my life after the hearing.<p>The night after the divorce, my ExH came over and saw the kids, and we acted just like we always did - actually ExH even wanted some sexual gratification, and I had to politely remind him that we are now DIVORCED!<p>Anyway. The during the next few days I began to realize just how much I gave into ExH's monetary demands in the hearing. He was threatening me with the kids if I didn't accept his monetary offer, and unfortunately the courts here are not that compassionate about anything so I took the known quantity, but am now having to take my ExH back to court.<p>On Sat. I had this big revealation and finally felt ok about the whole thing. Realized I was being co-dependent and suckered in by ExH BPD tactics, and have now found counselors to help me through this, and felt ready to move on with life without ExH because he has decided to move on without me. <p>That brings us to today. Just reading the posts on this site has made me start to grieve again for the marriage that we could have had and the pain that the children are going through. <p>It makes me sick to see ExH acting like everything is just hunky dory and that everything is fine - or that HE is the one who is suffering because he has his life altered because of this. He is such a winer about everything.<p>I have come to understand why ExH acts this way but it doesn't make me feel any better.<p>And to top it all off - I'm Catholic and believe that we're still married. I just happen to have a H that is living with his parents and another woman and playing dad to her kids. H is not even talking about an annullment.<p>This is definitely not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. <p>I know that there is still much happiness out there for me. But I also know that I've got alot of grieving and healing left to do. And alot of tricky dealing with ExH - he freaked out when I reminded him that we still are going to have a trial to determine permenant alimony - he doesn't think I deserve anything, which is typical because he just wants me gone from his list of responsibilities, but when he married me he committed to take care of me for better or worse.<p>It's like the WS really does have an addiction/ illness and it's just hard to deal with it. Just as if they had cancer or were addicted to drugs or alcohol. I don't see how families of alcoholics can weather this.<p>Ok. Sorry for the long update. The rollercoaster of emotions is still rolling - some good days and some not so good days. <p>I hate to see so many people going through this too. <p>I need to just keep reading the posts from the people who have been able to move on and heal.<p>K

Hi K-<p>It is perfectly normal to feel the way you are. You are grieving the loss of your marriage, the loss of your dream. As rough as it is, this is positive because only when we allow ourselves to feel the grief and move through the process are we able to heal. It will get better. You are bound to have good days and bad days. The upside is that the good days will become more frequent.<p>Nice of your X to act as if nothing had changed, even trying for sex. The guy is a piece of work. It just proves he is in denial. Hang tough, it will get easier. I know you believe in marriage and still believe you are married, but for now you are legally divorced and there is nothing you can do about it. That may change in the future, but it may not. The question is, would you rather focus on your lost dreams or on yourself and your happiness? I think you know the answer. You deserve happiness and are capable of having it. You say he acts like everything is fine, you know it isn't, it's denial. Focus on you. Of the things that are within your control, what would you like to be different about your life? What can you do to achieve it? Start working on it. Keeping busy with yourself will help lessen the pain. Also, keep contact with him limited, it really helps. <p>Good luck in court. I soon will also being going back to get the child support that I am entitled to. It really stinks that we have to do this. Don't let him bully you into anything. I know both of us are guilty of being codependent and backing down. We have to stop this. Actually I think I really have and life is so much easier.<p>As for me, things are getting better all the time. My X and I are on civil terms. Granted, nothing has changed with him and I still disagree with almost everything he does, but I have let it go. It took me over a year, but the feeling of letting it go is just what everyone has said it would be. It is so peaceful. I can honestly say he still irritates me because of his irresponsibility and stuff, however, I no longer feel anything, love or hate for him. I am done.<p>A friend introduced me to a friend. He is very nice, actually everything my X wasn't. Who knows where it will go, but it is nice to do stuff with someone who treats me nice. It has further proven what I was missing. Better yet, I know that I will be okay whether I am with someone or not.<p>Give yourself some time. You will heal and things will get better.<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks SR.<p>Not having a good day. Yes, definitely have to go back to court. ExH is a monster as far as I'm concerned. No regard whatsoever about his kids - or what he has done to me. It just keeps getting worse.<p>I am starting counseling for co-dependency and hopefully can get some helpful hints about how to deal with ExH and his Borderline Personality Traits. I think I'll also go to CoDA(Co-dependents Anonymous) for a while. <p>Luckily I have finally figured out what I want - and I'm not looking out for ExH anymore. Hopefully in our next judgment we'll arrange less contact between us. He's not going to like the structure but oh well. I'ts time I started looking out for myself, and I choose not to deal with him unless I absolutely have to.<p>What hurts the most is he abandoning me while pregnant and then basically turning up 6 weeks after the birth and telling me to stop breastfeeding and go back to work and leave the baby for him and some stranger to take care of(he has someone in mind, but won't tell me who it is).<p>He has no conscience at all. He is so full of himself and so selfish, and he constantly plays the victim. <p>I have now had enough of that to do something about it.<p>K