When I joined MB I never really anticipated posting on this forum. Unfortunately, we've reached that point. I have filed D papers and various temporary orders with the court and I've been told they will be ready to be served any time now.<p>My question is, when do you tell the kids that their family life is going to change dramatically? I've prepared letters for them all but their various ages (5, 9, 12) make it difficult to relate to them all the same way. I'm going to try to have the kids out of the house when I have my W served with the papers. Among other things, I will be asking for sole possession of one of our vehicles and that my W does not bring her clients and colleagues into our house and that our kids are not to have contact with her clients and work colleagues. For the whole scope on my W's work and activities, you'd have to read through Persistant's thread on JFO. Anyway, it involves risk that she is taking that I feel is not necessary and now I need to protect the family from. There are also issues of three affairs and other deceit.<p>I don't want a D but my W has no other plan for recovery. She says to just act civil and it will happen. She waits for me to recommend something and then she shoots the idea down. Well, we've been counseling with SH for several months and have been doing a pretty good Plan A. Because of the risks she is taking, Plan B is not an option right now. It certainly may be possible before a D is ever finalized because I'm asking for the court to order to have my W move out of the house until the D is final or we reconcile.<p>Would those with experience recommend telling the children what is about to happen while the papers are being served or wait until my W has had a chance to digest the news, or wait to see if my W finally comes up with her own recovery plan in light have having papers served? One of SH suggestions was to wait to tell the children to gauge my W's reaction to receiving the news. His thought was that my W might feel like I am still caring for and protecting her if I don't tell the children right away.<p>Thanks for advice.<p>HoFS

I haven't read it, but I've just bought the book Sandcastles. Its a book on age appropriate ways to help children deal with divorce. It's actually a counseling method to help children through this. Good luck.

I apologize for not being familiar with your whole story, but my 3 children are the same ages as yours and your post caught my eye.
In our case, there was no "serving" of papers as we came to an agreement and did not go to court. My XH was the one who did not see any possibility of repair, even though I was very willing to continue to work on our issues. Funny thing, now - 3 months later - he is saying he can imagine us back together and that is hope and prayer is for us to reconcile. Anyway.<p>My point is, even though it was him who wanted out, I felt it vitally important to present a united front to our children. I didn't want to make him out to be the bad guy and me to be the victim. So, we sat down in the floor all in a circle and I began to talk. They knew there were issues. I just said that mom and dad loved them very much, but had decided that we needed to get a divorce. Then went into specifics such as living arrangements, visitation... they want concrete information. <p>It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. But, it was honest and we all held each other and cried and comforted one another. They deserve as much of the truth as is appropriate, but they do not need to hear any bashing or blame. They just need to know you both love them and you both are going to do whatever is necessary for their health and well-being. <p>If you can't tell them together for some reason, I strongly suggest you follow SH's advice and get a read on her first and then TELL HER that you are going to tell them. <p>Good luck. It will suck. There is no way around that. Just love them right on through it.