I hate him so much. I don't want to hear anything that he has to say. I just want him dead.<p>Why is it that he makes me feel so wrong. I dont' want to listen because some of the things he says are right and they are ugly things about my self.<p>I hate him. I know that I should forgive him, but I can't. I know that I should be sorry for hurting him, but i am not. I am resentful of the fact that he puts himself on this I'm growing pedastle and becasue I'm stuck in misery I am less than. of course when I tell him he makes me feel that way, he says it is all me making me feel less than because I know what he is saying is right. I don't want to know how happy he is with himself because he started this whole mess. <p>I am feeling desparate and I know this is emotional ranting with no logic. I just wish I could be a nice loving wife who could contibute to making the relationship work. I'm just not.

I don't know what to say except I am so sorry for your pain and heartache. Sometimes life sucks, I know that very well. I hope you can find some peace and rest soon.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: rjd ]</p>

Learning,<p>First let me {hug} you.<p>I know somewhat of what you are saying but I must tell you that to a point he is right, your problems are yours. No one can make you feel anything--that's you.<p>I would strongly suggest seeking individual therapy with a good therapist. If you were in Dallas, I could recommend someone.<p>If he's gloating over his own emotional fortitude, well, then that is just 'twerpy' of him. I don't know how old you all are but some of that could be immaturity talking. <p>If you don't mind a knee-jerk diagnosis from someone who is totally unqualified to make one---it sounds as if you might be depressed and maybe need some mood-levelers to help get you back on an even keel. And the therapy. The therapy is sooo important for long-term help.<p>Good luck...keep us posted.

Thank you both for your hugs. I really need them. I feel so alone again. This is one of those times I would have called my OM as he is also a good friend and I know I can't do that because it will only delay my pain.<p>If anyone lives in Silicon Valley and knows a good counselor, I'd love the name. I find that counselors have not helped me to make decisions at all, althought they've both thought I might be better off divorcing...maybe because thay can see I can't forgive.<p>Does that make me bad if I can't forgive? What is it inside of me that is so bitter and angry so long later? He just sent me a letter and I can't stant it when he preaches to me. I know some of what he says is VERY valid, but why couldn't he be this person when he was with me? If you care, I've attached the letter, althought it is not that important for those of you who don't like long windedness. <p>Anything you can tell me to help, I would appreciate.<p>Do anti-depressants help you think better??
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"I was wrong. I made mistakes. I hurt you, and I am very sorry for the things that I have done. I wish that I could take them all back and go back to where we were before, but I can&#8217;t. After all, I&#8217;m only human and mistakes are what we humans do.<p>The problem is this: the damage I caused, and the subsequent damage you caused yourself, has left you bitter. I don&#8217;t feel like you want me, I feel like you just want to punish me; you want me to suffer. But can&#8217;t you see I&#8217;ve already been punished? I have already lost everything. The contempt in your voice says that I deserve something even worse, and you say that you wish I and Leanne were dead. Understanding all of this, especially after so much time has passed, I am kind of afraid for you. I don&#8217;t believe that there&#8217;s anything I can do for you to make you better&#8230; <p>I was listening to a story on KQED the other day about the death penalty. They were interviewing survivors of murder victims after they had seen the murderer of their loved one&#8217;s be executed months or years earlier. What they learned was that they got no peace from the executions; the act left them empty and emotionless. One lady even threw a party, complete with champagne, after the execution of her brother&#8217;s murderer - 16 years after his conviction. But later that year she went into a depression that she later attributed to the bitterness that she couldn&#8217;t let go of, and that she&#8217;d hoped the execution would cure. It didn&#8217;t. When she realized that she was harboring that hatred still she broke down. I think you believe this&#8230; If you didn&#8217;t, you would have already told Ivan. But you said you knew that would not make you feel better. It still wouldn&#8217;t bring you peace. At some point you have to let it go, and failure to do so will undermine any other relationship you might have.<p>I am afraid that you are headed in the same direction; toward a breakdown of some sort. This is not about working things out with me in the future. It&#8217;s not about my acts or your inability to trust me going forward, it&#8217;s about your inability to forgive the past. Forgiveness isn&#8217;t about forgetting&#8230; I would never expect you to forget the damage I caused. But it IS about closing it out and not continuing to hate someone. <p>I have tried to make you understand what my frame of mind was at the time. My hope in doing this is that you would get a glimpse of what I was thinking, and regardless how wrong I was in having an affair, you&#8217;d be able to recognize how I let myself get into that situation, and find it in your heart to forgive me for the terrible mistake. At one time you had. When you told me about Damon, you told me then that you understood how despite your best judgment you could get into that situation (at that time you were saying that it was wrong). Not that it made it right, but it did help you identify enough with me at the time to offer me forgiveness.<p>Now, a year later, you no longer equate your actions to mine in any way and don&#8217;t see that what you did was wrong. Ironically enough you have retracted your forgiveness of me as. Is it possible that if you truly forgave yourself, you could forgive me as well?<p>In any case, more than focusing on us getting back together right now, and more than focusing on having a relationship with anyone, consider focusing on your own mental health&#8230; starting with forgiving. That&#8217;s were the healing starts in my opinion. Of course I may be wrong and you should talk with your counselor, but bring this up. Maybe if you are able to accomplish this you can open yourself up to me, or at least be at peace without me.<p>I think you believe that I owe you something, but that simply isn&#8217;t true. I owe it to myself to be the best person I can be and make the best choices I can make. I owe it to myself to be completely honest with myself about the mistakes I have made and the people that I hurt. I owe it to myself to recognize how I made those mistakes, to strive to understand the warning signs, to be very self-aware, and to resolve to not make them again. I don&#8217;t do this with any particular goal in mind other than to get clean and healthy. Similarly, you forgiven me isn&#8217;t about me, it&#8217;s about YOU taking that step."

Learning,<p>You're probably not going to like what I have to say but you did ask.<p>I read his letter and it doesn't really sound preachy to me...perhaps you perceive it this way because of your past communications and the way they made you feel.<p>His letter is right. You have to learn to forgive for yourself---it's really not about him. If you don't, it will eat you up. That's true for this situation and any other in which you feel wronged. You must forgive. And I believe that the ability to truly forgive comes as a gift from God. NOw, I'm no holy roller and am as sinful (or more so) as the next guy but I believe that God can help you here. Won't you try it? Ask God to help you be willing (not to forgive) but just to be willing to forgive. Do it several times today. And tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Before long, I bet you will feel better and happier.<p>As for finding a good counselor, just start going to one. If you don't like him/her, then change...not because you aren't told what you want to hear but if their 'style' offends you. Because a good counselor might sometimes tell you what you don't want to hear. That's what makes them good. And since you brought it up---counselors aren't *supposed* to tell you what to do, they help you decide your own fate. <p>You do seem very bitter. For heaven's sake, why would you wish him dead? That's just awful. You don't want him to wish that on you, do you? And it's really not fair in this case because even though he messed up, you compounded the situatin with your actions. You seem a bit on the immature side, if I may say so. I hope I didn't offend.<p>Also pray for peace. I bet you get some of that, too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: franklymydears ]</p>