Hello friends,<p>Thank you SO much to everyone who responded to my recent update. I miss you guys SO much !!! I originally went back to school to learn to develop web sites to help people with divorce, but I am thinking about something for the children now.<p>On my last post , someone asked about my children and how they were doing with divorce. I know a lot of "newbies" here are terrified of the effects of divorce on the kids.<p>I am writing this in response to a few questions I have had recently.<p>A very brief history for those who don't know me. I think my children are a good "example" of what divorce will do. Before exH had the affair, we did everything together. We took our kids to kung fu, soccer, brownies, girl scouts, dancing. We were a great family, we had so much to be proud of. We were only 27 at the time, and had 3 girls, age 9, 7 and barely 2. <p>Anyway, ExH left TOTALLY unexpected, right on Christmas Day. Yes that's right, and I thank God all the time, I found this place just a few days later where I met my first friend here, Mitzi.<p>So, within days, I found that my then H, moved in with OW. I never suspected him of an A. I thought we were past that stage and he was "growing up" or "settling down" or something. Then I gave him the excuse of a "mid life crisis" which his doctor felt was possible due to our lifestyle (3 kids, house, 2 car payments, 2 dogs, 2 careers). He thought we were too young for so much responsibility and my H lost it.<p>Whatever the reason, within weeks, he took me to court and served me D papers on Valentine's Day. He was so viscious it was disgusting.<p>He sued me for everything, tried to take my children from me, he stole over $5K in joint money, which may not be a lot to some people, but it was very hard earned money that I struggled to save. <p>He and OW were doing things to me all along, like calling me and then telling me they were having s*x while I answered the phone.<p>Basically, they wanted me to have a nervous breakdown so they could get my kids. He just wanted her to come in, and take my place, and take me right out of the kid's life.<p>Well we eventually ended up divorced later that year, and shortly after the divorce was final, we came upon our first Christmas since he left.<p>My kids were in counseling from the very first week after H left. In the beginning, I covered for him and OW as to protect the kids.<p>However, kids are smart, and one day my middle daughter told me...daddy was cheating on you with "L" before he left. <p>Since the divorce, my oldest daughter had situational depression for over a year. It was borderline serious depression and luckily she snapped out of it before we had to use meds. She has maintained straight A's but has social problems in school and is mean to the boys. She doesn't like men at all, not even comfortable around her uncle's and now she hates her father.<p>My middle daughter, which was blatantly the "favorite" has resorted to stealing last fall to get daddy's attention. She has stolen from very close relatives and it was humiliating for me, and ultimately her because I humiliated her to frighten her not to do it again.<p>It just came out in counseling that she is so mad at her dad she will do whatever she can to get his attention. <p>She now has situational depression and is more intense counseling.<p>My youngest is now 4 and has terrible temper tantrums . They are not going away with age and she is so angry all the time.<p>SHe is afraid for me to go anywhere and clings to me. She misses her dad but she feels angry.<p>She starts counseling next week.<p>The three girls no longer call their dad anymore, and he only calls once a week, which is far from the twice a day when he left.<p>They are very fearful that something will happen to me and at the same time, they challenge me with power struggles ALL the time.<p>It is very tiring and I try hard not to make their life difficult but at the same time I want them to learn respect and discipline.<p>If I had the choice, to do it again, I might have thought twice about giving up so soon on Plan A. If anything, I might have tried harder simply for the kids.<p>I would recommend to anyone who told me about the D to try Plan A a lot longer!!<p>More later though, Hugs, Dana

Good Lord, Dana ... I had no idea. I knew your H left you on Christmas, that was inconcievable in of itself. But the things he and OW did .... I'm so very very sorry. <p>I had similar things done to me, but thank God there were no children in th epicture to be effected.<p>You sound like you've really got your head on strait, Hon. You've surpased your ex-H in so many ways. Truly a success story .... very inspirational. <p>I feel terrible for your kids for what they're going thru, and it's a blessing they have you as their mom, Dana. Because I know you'll do whatever you need to do to help them heal and end up happy and healthy adults. You did it for yourself ... you lifted yourself up and made a horrible situation into an opportunity to grow, so I know you'll do the same for your children.<p>I admire you so much.<p>Love,
Jo

Hi again Dana,<p>Boy do the similarities in our kids sound the same!<p>I've tried to make it without the counseling for Kyle but I think that is gonna have to be an option that I look at. He's just so angry. My mom thought maybe it was because I got remarried but it all started about 6 months after his dad left. The first year that he was gone, he spent a total of about 24 hours with the boys. Now it's even less. He expects them to call him if they want to see him. If they don't call, they don't hear from him. If we happen to see him somewhere, he acts like the kids don't even exist. I doubt he'll win The Father of the Year award anytime soon. <p>But I'm still trying to be the best mom that I can. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry because I feel like I've failed my kids. But things are getting better. They now have a good male role model that they get along well with. He's a little more strict than I am and that's a good thing. He usually doesn't interfere with me and the boys unless they are disrespectful to me. And believe me, I welcome the help! It's been so hard doing all of this on my own.<p>Noah doesn't even remember his dad living here, which is a good thing, I think. He's really taken to Terry, and sometimes slips and calls him dad. We don't make a big deal out of it since it usually only happens when Terry's boys are here. Most of the time, Noah just sticks to calling him "Honey"! Wonder where he gets that from? LOL LOL<p>Dylan is still hurt by his dad's abandonment. If he does want to see his dad and it's not convenient for Bob, Dylan cries alot. And then he cries about everything for the next few days. Hopefully, he can overcome the sadness that he feels. But I doubt that a child can evercompletely do that. He also clings to Terry who is trying hard to make him feel secure. He lets Dylan and Kyle help coach Noah's tee ball team, which makes them feel important and like they're worthy of something. I couldn't have found a better husband!<p>Love,
Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dana,<p>My heart goes out to you for all you've been through..<p>I am so glad to hear you have your kids in counseling I have my three going also..and let me say I am thankful they are..<p>As you know from my daughters post on the GQII forum she has her own struggles she's learning to
deal with..and I think her being in counseling
really helped her share those struggles so openly on the forum..and gave her the strength to reach out and ask for other adult opinions..I posted a thank you there for all those who have posted to her..I am very thankful they were able to reach out to her..and help her see her feelings are important..(sometimes a mothers words just aren't enough) [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Although my children do see their father they are still angry..and my son is horrid to live with for a few days when he gets home from there..and I am trying so hard to teach him not to take his anger out on others..but to talk about it when he hurts inside..this is something that the counselor is also working with him on, and yes it is helpping he used to be horrid for the entire week, and now it's only a couple days [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] so in time hopefully it won't be bad at all [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And Dana, I am so proud of all you have done for you and your girls over the past year..and keeping up that 4.0 average..that is wonderful.

Dana,<p>Thank you for sharing. It was not the cheery news I had hoped for, but it sounds like you are all coping. I do not know you, but I was the one that asked the question about your kids and your answer actually makes me feel very fortunate that my boys seem to be doing relatively well. I do keep counseling as an option, though, at all times.<p>I recognize the names of all three who have posted before me. Thank you to all of you who tried to help me last year. Unfortunately, I am back and hoping for better days.<p>Dana, thanks again and best wishes to all of you.<p>LearningLife

Hi friends, <p>Sorry I had to end my post rather abruptly, someone came in the room and I was getting a little weepy. :*(<p>Thank you to everyone for all the compliments, I don't hear them much and lately I've been so tired of everything that I wonder why I'm doing it all.<p>I wanted to reply to Mitzi, about the boys, I remember them when we met, and I have been wondering how they were doing.<p>The problems kids face from divorce are very similar, and I think also in relation to their birth order as well.<p>It sounds like Dylan is having situational depression also. He might still be depressed over his dad and the crying a few days afterwards, is a sign that it could be progressing. (according to what my counselor told me).<p>I can't remember which son was the oldest, but do watch him closely because as they enter puberty their world turns upside down as it is, it's best to get them settled before that happens.<p>I don't know how he'd feel about it, but could you talk him into keeping a journal? Some place where he could write his emotions and lock it up where the others won't get it?<p>I'm real happy about Terry and I think it will take some adjusting. I read a good book on Step Parenting and it scared me to death!! <p>I also want to continue something.<p>Last night, my oldest d had a huge fight with me. Very simply, I told her she had one hour to get ready for soccer. When it was time to go, she was not ready and made all sorts of excuses and she TOLD me she wasn't going. <p>I wound up late for school, but she went, unprepared and all and it was a bad night for us. She was in bed when I got home last night and this morning, she wrote me an appology note and gave me a blank piece of paper to write exactly what I want her to do so that we don't argue anymore.<p>I am so shocked at her ability to realize when she disrespects me and to appologize on it. <p>I have to go write that list....<p>Hugs, Dana

I am sorry for the things you are going through with your kids, but know you are not alone. <p>The last three years have been a nightmare. My ex did unthinkable things in front of our two boys. He tried to strangle me in front of the youngest...and both had to witness their Dad scream and curse at me. The sad part is he told them he did it because he loved me. My boys have a very distorted view of how men should treat women.<p>My older son went from being a top student to barely passing last year and this year totally dropping out of everything and failing every class. I have been to counseling...he was on meds for a while for depression, but the medication had an adverse effect and caused him to have fits of anger...holes punched into my walls... He is disrepectuful and angry with me and his father. He curses at me, defies me, and has the house in total chaos most times. He charged over $1,500K on my credit card without my permission. I have had to take door knobs off doors, remove most of everything from his room, and he still rebels. His father basically has abandoned him and his brother. I think they have spent the night at his house a total of 5 weekends in two years. When my son acts up, his response is it is my fault. I worry constantly and now have him seeing an adolescent psycholgist who seems to be helping a little.<p>The younger one also has had problems. In the fall, I was called into the school because he was not engaging the other kids...he never talked, never participated....just held back. This child was once social, bright, and a good student. He, too has been in counseling since September and it seems to help.<p>There is no doubt that divorce effects kids in a negative way. It is so important that both parents do their best to put the children first and leave their issues to themselves. Most of the time, that is not what happens. My ex did the opposite of what he should have done. He uses the kids to get even with me. He still doesn't care that he hurts the boys. In my case, it is a visious circle. My boys are dealing with a father who for all intents and purposes has abandoned them. Somehow, though, he has managed to convince them that all of this is my fault and the boys act out; their disrespect, etc. Forget about having a relationship with anyone...sometimes I wonder about the fairness of life. If I had stayed in an abusive marriage, I may have not lived through it...and so I left. I work hard and take care of my family...no alimony...no marital home...my ex took it all and I didn't fight it. I didn't even get a car out of the deal. Yet, the boys are angry with me. My hope is that I can help them grow up with healthy attitudes and that someday they will understand things more clearly.

Happy Mac,<p>I am so sorry that your kids are suffering as well<p>It seems that boy's have a harder time with their
fathers leaving than girls do, especially at that time. I think they express their anger more openly
and girls tend to hold it in, but for them it comes out later in life in their relationships..<p>My son has acted out in anger too, he's 7 and has kicked the wall's, hit the doors, lucky no holes but it still bothers me, he also acts up in school
becoming the class bully..intimidating the smaller boys. We had a parent teacher conference recently
about it, I'd talked to her first, and then because of what it was, I asked her to go ahead and schedule a conference with both of us. My ex sat there and listened to her, and asked what
the other little boy's had done to our son FIRST
to MAKE HIM act out, she politely said, <p>"there is nothing they could have done to MAKE him act out this way. And it doesn't matter what others do or say to him, he needs to learn he has control of his own actions, and nobody can MAKE him react a certain way. He needs to learn he's responsible for himself, because if he doesn't learn that now, he may end up one of the statistics who quit school and end up in jail."<p>Hard hitting, but I am so thankful she said it and NOT ME!!! <p>Although, I don't think it sunk in, because as soon as we left he started blaming the other kids saying..if they didn't make faces at him then he wouldn't hit them..and said, She needs to talk to the other parents. I shook my head, and said, "you know, I don't care about what she does w/ the other kids, I am only concerned about OUR son, and how HE reacts when he has a problem" He said, "Well, if the other kids wouldn't instistgate it, he wouldn't hit them" I just shook my head and walked to my car..<p>Although, I did call the teacher later and told her to do what was necessary if it meant a referal
or losing his recess then okay..and I explained to him what I told her..and she's followed through, he has gotten a referal, and has lost his
recess, and he's improved in his behavior..his grades are even improving..<p>My daughters struggled in school last year during the custody battle. Although, My oldest has always struggled in school as far as doing her work, and has always had a difficult time making friends, she failed last year, but since the custody issue was settled in Aug, and things have calmed down around here, she's buckled down in school, making A-B honor roll all year, she's come out of her shell and making friends, has even considered running for a class office, something she never would have considered before, as she hates talking
in front of crowds..she's expressing her feelings more openly, and is really blossoming..she's told me recently she's sometimes glad were divorced, as
some things aren't as stressful at home..<p>My 9 yr old..well..she's very wise for her age..
a couple years ago when she wanted to get baptised
and her dad kept asking her to change the date so he could be there, she finally said, "If I have to keep waiting on dad to be here, I'll NEVER get baptised" and I believe she decided then that it doesn't matter to her if her dad is there or not,
she's going to live her life..and if dad wants to
be there and be a part of it fine, if not that's okay too..yes, she'd like him to be, but if he's not then oh well..she's also A-B honor roll in school..and has lots of friends..and has learned to express her feelings as well.. <p>Just to let you know, if your son does fail this
year, don't be hard on him..ask him if he tried
his best..if he's honest w/ himself he'll admit he didn't..and let him know your not mad, but that you are disappointed because you know how smart he is, and that because you love him it really hurts
to see him just give up..

Hey old timers (and I mean that in the nicest way possible)<p>I don't post here very often anymore, but when I see a post on how all of our kids are doing I have to pay attention. <p>Dana, you were the first poster I really ever read here. You and Mitzi, really helped me a lot at the beginning and made me feel like I wasn't all alone. Jo, you know how I feel about you hon.<p>Well the kids...this is hard.<p>I have three teens at home..19b, 16g. 14b. I have the youngest two in counseling and I think it may be helping a bit. The 19yo is a mess. He does work now but is abusive to his siblings and to me, refuses to do anything around the house, is smoking and probably using drugs (as he goes to raves every weekend). I am encouraging him strongly to move out, but his dad wants him to wait until he pays him back the 3 grand he owes him. I have been very hesitant to kick him out as he truly has nowhere to go. Dad lives with OW and I know Kyle will not go there...and the reality of having my son living in his Honda is not something I'm ready for...yet.<p>My daughter has transferred all of her neediness onto her boyfriend. She is driving him crazy with her constant need to see and be with him. I'm afraid for her because they will probably break up one of these days and I worry that she'll be devestated. Her grades have plummeted. She and her younger brother see their dad one or two nights every other weekend, and have dinner with him on Wed. nights. I know she misses him terribly...there are pictures of him all over her room. <p>A few months ago xh's OW threw him a huge 50th birthday party. The kids were all invited. When they got there, all over the walls were poster boards. OW had sent out cards to everyone invited to the party. She had asked them all to write down a comment/memory about the birthday boy so she could do a "timeline". Something about "the best time in his life". Well, I guess I didn't know I was so disliked by some of his buddies, because apparently some of these displayed comments were very demeaning to me. (example: the best day of x's life was the day his divorce beame final) This "timeline" also had absolutley no mention of the fact that he had three children. My kids were devestated when they got home. The good thing about it is the younger two admitted they needed to go to counseling and would finally let me take them to one.<p>ok, i do rant.<p>my younger son is in constant trouble in school, mind you he was never a great student, nor was he the best rule follower, but i have found it very hard to be the disciplinarian after all of these years of not having to. I have had to learn to come down hard on him, not something that is in my nature to do, but i think I'm starting to get through to him now...if I ground him I actually had to learn to make him stay grounded..not let him off the minute he was sweet to me. I'm a total pushover but trying to get a little mean!<p>There is a wonderul man in my life, he lives with us, but even he feels invisible most of the time when it comes to the kids...this has turned into a problem with us. If one of the younger kids checks in with Larry because I'm not home the older (19yo) tells them not to ask Larry...he constantly intervenes. He wants to be "man of the house"<p>I could go on, but you guys know. If anyone does you do. <p>We just keep pluggin' along. They know how much I love them. I just hope it'll be enough.<p>Love to all,<p>allison

It is disheartening to know so many kids are in pain, but it is comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with struggling kids. There are days when I truly don't want to go home and face the fighting, the anger, and the chaos that may be waiting for me. Sometimes I feel like a total failure because I assume other people think me a bad mother and I blame myself for what has happened to them. I am doing the best I can do without any support. My boys didn't have an OW or OM to deal with; just an abusive father who was very selfish. Teenagers are difficult under the best of circumstances...throw in a divorce and things can get crazy. <p>One thing that seems to work for me is to set clear boundries and as hard as it is, if your child breaks the rules and crosses the boundries they are disciplined. Always let them no in advance what the punishment is . I know with me, I often let my boys get away with things during the divorce process because I felt so guilty for what was happening to them. I also didn't have the energry to be a disciplinarian...that was a mistake. I am paying for it now. I have gone as far as call the shcool truent officer to go to my house when my son cut school. He knows now that I'm not kidding and that I mean what I say. It is exhausting and I shouldn't have to go to these lengths, but I will if it saves him in the end.<p>To all of us struggling with raising kids alone...pat yourself on the back and do something nice for yourself. Being a parent is never easy...this way makes it heartbreaking as well as difficult.

Glad you're throwing a rock, Allison, so we know how you're doing. <p>I tell ya, some people are so insensitive <fantastic understatement>! What was the purpose in writing that crap on the poster board regarding your Ex's Divorce. And in addition, why didn't the OW erase or remove it before the kids saw it. Are they THAT clueless?<p>In my book a divorce is nothing to celebrate, it's a loss that has affected many people in it's path, and primarily for the worse. I guess I would tell you to chalk it up to sophoromic immaturity ... but for the kids I don't know how you explain it to them. Just that some people don't think of others before they say or do things. And just let the kids know their hurt is valid. <p>Sure glad to see you are making your way, even tho it is one step at a time ... it's a forward motion.<p>Love o you, Alli.<p>Jo

Whew! My kids are doing well then with no counseling, considering. . .<p>Both kids showed increased anger towards me after spending vacation weeks with me, and having fun. . . I suspect the X had a lot to do with this reaction, but i can't prove it other than to say that 9 yo d slipped up and said something,
I went right after the X and turns out she admitted to saying things she shouldn't have.<p>however, I have been relentless on the disrespectful behavior, and they know i don't fool around and send them to their room, ground them, etc right away. . .<p>likewise I don't do their homework for them, and they used to holler, but i figured out the wording, and they still are difficult for the first 15 minutes on my weekend, and after realizing that they go backwards, they are learning to be more cheerful . . .<p>however, Xs without reponsibility screw them up ccompletely. . . .<p>wiftty

Maybe there is a key difference somewhere in my story that has helped my kids.<p>My kids are 7 and 4. They were 5 and 3 when I moved out, 6 and 3 at time of the divorce.<p>My oldest was in Kindergarten. He's in 1st Grade now, and doing very well. I have been concerned about symptoms of ADHD, but both of his primary teachers have expressed that he is a very loving, bright, energetic boy and VERY NORMAL for his age.<p>My little girl is strong-willed and stubborn. She needs a lot of attention or she'll get into trouble to get it. Still, pretty average for her age.<p>I left my XH due to a decision to take no more abuse, and to model either a healthy relationship or happy singlehood for my children. When they started to treat me and each other the way they saw dad treat mom, it was a final push for me! No more! Break the cycle!<p>Their dad sees them every possible chance he has, claims every hour that is granted in the order. He doesn't always spend that time with them, they are often left with grandma, but he does a lot of things with them he didn't before, like taking them to Chuck E Cheese or the theater. <p>They are angry at me sometimes. My D doesn't remember much about mom and dad being together, other than the yelling. But my S has said that the divorce was my fault and that he wanted to live with his grandma and dad, not me. (He has only once asked about stopping the divorce.) They both talk back more than they should. But overall, they are very happy, loving kids who just have their moments... just like before I moved out. The difference now is that they are no longer surrounded in trash, listening to horrible name screaming, and acting up to try to separate us during a fight.<p>Their dad didn't leave us and go off to play family with another woman, or another woman and her kids. I think THAT may be one of the big factors in kids hurting and retaliating against the custodial parent in these divorces. Is possible?

My kids are having a hard time too. Not that their father cares all that much. They just have to adapt is all he can say.<p>Their therapist says that after the divorce it's ideal that neither parent is in another relationship to give the kids a chance to grieve over the loss of the marriage. However, since the WS usually has a OP and are not willing to give them up and the WS is not grieving over the loss of the marriage themselves, it's pretty tough to get them to go along with a period without the OP for the kids sake. More selfishness.......<p>I pray for our kids. They'll be ok. It will just take time. K

Princess Buttercup,<p>My ex-H did leave us for another woman but there was also extreme physical abuse. I was beaten for the entire 10 years we were married. I think that's where some of the anger in my oldest son, Kyle, comes from. He saw alot as he was 10 when we separated. He blames me for a lot of the struggles that we have had, saying that if I had left his dad sooner, maybe things would have been better sooner. Makes sense to me now, but at the time, I just couldn't do it. I sacrificed myself to give my kids a family. I chose to stay thinking that a dysfunctional family would be better than no family at all. Not the smartest decision I've ever made.<p>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I guess I am one of the lucky ones in that I haven't had any problems yet with my kids. My kids were 12(d) and 8(s) when my x left.<p>They both went to counseling right away. My s only went a couple times and the counselor said he was coping very well and he identifed a number of people he felt he could talk too.<p>My d went to 2 full 8 session visits. Part of that was due to her turning into a teenager. The counselor said that my d had issues with her mother that they needed to work out.<p>I do see that my son craves his sister's attention. She pretty much ignores him so he gets her attention the best he knows how. He bugs the HELL out of her. I don't know if this is because of the divorce or not. I work on getting her to be nicer to him, but its a struggle.<p>My x has pretty much kept her visitation regular with the kids. She has done some stupid things like going away and hgetting married on son's birthday. <p>And as for actually doing something with them, I don't think she does. She and om used to take them out to dinner, but not much else. She took them to the beach a couple times but just layed there while the kids did there own thing. As far as I know, she hasn't ever done any girl things with our d except shopping.<p>It will be curious to see how the end of her new marriage will affect her relationship with the kids. She had told them she is considering getting a room mate, but I can see her working more hours too which in turn will cut down on her time with the kids.

My OS was 15(he will be 18 in Aug)when he found out about his dad's A. Devasted is the only word I can use. The whole foundation of his life was pulled out from under him. He idolized his dad. My son will never be the man he might have been. He has gone from going to church 3 times a week to not going at all & really believing there is no God. He drinks, & I am pretty sure he has used drugs, especailly last yr when we were are overseas. He is doing better for the most part but he has lots of angry, he refues to go for help. He knows that I just can't tell him if he doesn't live by my rules he will have to go to his father's. <p>My YS is holding his own. His dad traveled so much that seeing him once during the wk & half of the weekend is fine with him. When his dad can't make it, it doesn't bother him at all. <p>I am lucky that the STBX is still very active in the boys life. He works very hard to stay apart of their lives. HE lives with OW and the boys have had to deal with her since their dad left in June 01. I am not sure if STBX knows how much they both really don't like her. Their dislike seems to be growing. I don't think I encourage it but I wonder if they tell me what they think I want to hear.<p>I asked STBX if leaving & living with her was worth it. He refused to answer.

DanaB,<p>Thanks for sharing your update on your kids. My story is similar and as I approach the 6 mth mark I seriously thought about going to Plan B. I thought I would give it one more try with Plan A after reading your update. For the kids I said. Low and behold, he started talking. I thought it was an EA, instead it was a PA. Atleast he talking.

Very interesting topic.<p>My kids (15s and 11d) have had mixed reactions to a contentious divorce and even more contentious post-divorce.<p>I am the custodial parent. We have gone through a variety of visitation plans - both hated all the "back and forth." They felt like they never knew whether they were coming or going and didn't like having to consult a calendar to know where they'd be sleeping on a particular day.<p>My daughter has had a hard time with OW/W - she was exposed to her much too soon (of course) and has had to compete with OW's daughter for my ex's attention. OW and "the princess" are both spoiled and demanding - my daughter is the one who loses out. She is resentful of her father for this and yet still tries so hard to please him so that he will notice her. Her dislike of the situation has, over time, resulted in her living with me 3/4 of each month and 1 week at her dads...she is ALWAYS very ready to come back to me and very reluctant to go to his house when it's time.<p>My son had been manipulated a lot by my ex - first trying to "buy" his loyalty, then relaxing all the rules...of course my son wanted to live there most of the time - I didn't fight it - I decided not to play the competition game. After a short time, my ex couldn't maintain this facade (son started getting in trouble, grades slipping)...and he put the discipline hammer down. With rules back in place in both households, son went to living 1/2 of each month at my house and 1/2 at dads. He comments quite often that mom discipline is level-headed and thought out...dad is reactionary. Yep. I agree.<p>Son is very much into his own life, less open than he used to be. I will not let Divorce be the sole reason for this - he is, after all, 15. This is somewhat typical for teens. Rather than involve himself in the emotional upheaval that is what our family has become - he has withdrawn from both parents emotionally. Daughter is a bit clingy to me, and is very distraught when she feels slighted for my time or attention - but at least she feels like she can talk to me about it and get more attention when she needs it. She has stated she is "ignored" at her father's and told she is being "whiney."<p>A final wrinkle in our saga will happen next month when I relocate. I am moving several states away - for a lot of reasons - one of which is to get very far away from my controlling ex.<p>My daughter is relocating with me. My son, who is very involved in his high school, did not want to go and leave friends behind. Those were his words - nothing to do with his father....just his school and friends. Anyway, I know this distance will be difficult for them as far as the travel to see the other parent and sibling. They will spend summers together - 1/2 with me and 1/2 with their dad and then alternate holidays.<p>I think my daughter will improve without the tension and turmoil of competing with jealous OW/ and her princess so often. I'm betting my son will decide to come live with me after having to deal with his father without the safety valve or relief of my home close by.<p>The other day my ex sent me one of his tantrums by email and included a comment that I should have less time with the kids because I am the one choosing to move. He didn't say much when I replied that my move was a direct consequence of his choice to have an affair/divorce.<p>Well, this turned out be a much longer post than I thought - guess it was time for a little "board therapy" huh?<p>Hi Dana, Hi Mitzi, Hi Jo...yep, we've been around a while haven't we [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lisa

Lisa,
It sounds like our kids are quite alike. My d(14) never knows when she is going to her mothers. I recently read one of her journals and she said she was confused about her stepfather. It looks like she is fighting the teenage battle of trying to find where she fits in and worries about how she looks, etc. It sounds like typical teenage stuff to me.<p>My s(11) is really carefree. He is a lot like me in that he likes people. He is able to amuse himself and isn't, at least yet, concious about how he looks and who likes him, etc. I suppose that is to come down the road in a few years. <p>My son seems to hahve a good relationship with his mother. I'm not sure what kind my d has. Probably typical.<p>My x at first tried to buy the kids too with promises off tv's, and phones in their rooms, trips to Fl and a pool. Now it looks like all those promises are falling by the wayside with the breakup of her marriage. For the last two weekends she has had the kids, she did nothing with them. They go to her house and just do things with friends. She did not even take the kids out for Mother's Day. <p>Bob