People talk as if once the DV is final, that's it for the relationship forever. I'm not advocating trying to hold on to something that's no longer there and you should move on with your life but how uncommon is it for the BS & WS to remarry each other after the DV? I know there are many reasons why it would be difficult but I would think it happens more often than I hear.

I know it does happen sometimes..especially if both parties see changes in the other person..

Been there done that and got the signature line to prove it.

My x's om/h has gone back to his x.

I think it would be far more possible to have remarriage -- if people didn't "move on" so quickly. So I think that the figures are skewed b/c people don't wait this out. By the time the WS wakes up -- all too often the BS has already made a new life for themselves.

I agree with DG11, as Harley and others (Private Lies - Pittman) have written, most affairs do die a natural death within an alloted time (6 mos - 2+ years) but .... there's always a but, isn't there.<p>I'd say there are those times where the WS moves forward with the divorce with vigor, which in some States, cannot be halted by the BS. So then the BS ends up divorced. I don't think I'd advocate a BS waiting for a WS after Divorce. But I also subscribe to the belief one should wait a term (1-2 years) before dating or becoming involved. I think the longer the marriage and the severity of the circumstances that led to the divorce, the longer the wait.<p>JMHO ...<p>Jo<p>And, ohhhh wait. On a side note just in case, I guess I should say that "NO, I'm not waiting for my ex-H to crash & burn with OW so we can re-unite" .... but I would love to see the train wreck happen soon. Gotta be honest about that one.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by DG11:
<strong>I think it would be far more possible to have remarriage -- if people didn't "move on" so quickly. So I think that the figures are skewed b/c people don't wait this out. By the time the WS wakes up -- all too often the BS has already made a new life for themselves.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I wish I could remember the title or the author, but I read a book a while back which was written by someone who had set out to provide a treatise which would assist in the determination of whether it would be better to divorce or to stay married. As part of her research, the author looked at the lives of those who had divorced to see who was happier and better off.<p>She ended up writing a book which was strongly against divorce. She discovered that in the vast majority of cases the spouse who left ended up regretting the divorce, and was more unhappy and worse off than before.<p>And in the majority of cases, it was too late to do anything about the regret, because the deserted spouse was already in another relationship.<p>While the author's research was not a scientific study, it gives strong support to DG11's opinion.

This post definately caught my eye. My XH wants to get remarried NOW! Our divorce has been final for a year. I too wondered if this was common.<p>Since I am contemplating it, I wonder if I am insane to consider such a thing?! I am sure it matters a great deal on each circumstance. All things considered: I believe my XH is repentent, I did make a new life for myself but did not find someone else, and do still love him.<p>I do believe that you shouldn't jump into anything too soon. I do have issues and wonder if I can get past them. I guess time will tell.

My WS has said several times in several different ways &#8211; that we could get together again in a 3, 5 or 10 year time frame to remarry (timeline keeps moving back and forth), implying that I&#8217;m well worth growing old with, but she just can&#8217;t shake the OP while having so much fun today. One WS theory, she "needs the time to cleanse her soul." This is just ridiculous romance novel fog-talk. Step to the plate and act like an adult! We either work on our M now or we both have to move on. <p>What if my WS and OP do marry and are happy? It could happen - people do win the lottery, they are bitten by sharks, and are also killed by lightning, it is just an incredibly rare cosmic post-affair event. <p>Djw, I still love my WS and am very willing to work on our M, but I just can&#8217;t and won&#8217;t set myself up w/ false expectations and hope if we do D. I do intend on living a long life, but it will still be too short. > Karl

Rejected,
The way I look at it is why not just date first and see if the ws has grown any. While being repentant is good, I don't think that is enough. Do the conditions that caused the affair still exist? If they do, then you are asking for trouble.<p>Just like everyone warns about rebound romances, this could be a rebound too. For him and you.<p>Hang in!

Thanks RWD!
It is true about the "rebound" thing. I am so glad for my state of mind NOW and although I wished that XH would have opened his eyes earlier (like before the D and sale of our home!), at least I am being smart about this whole thing and not just jumping back into something that we may not be ready for!<p> We shall see! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I love this topic and have been trying to get someone, anyone to discuss it over the past several months!
My xh and I divorced 4 months ago. An affair was not the issue, but just distance, lack of trust and POOR COMMUNICATION led to some really bad results in our relationship and our lives. I had a breakdown after trying to deal with depression and our whole world crashed. Anyway, anyone interested can seek my first post on my member - I hate to bore the whole lot of you again with the gory details, plus I feel like I have posted specifics of my saga over and over and I always seem to be a thread killer.
Anyway, I think the circumstances of the divorce and the state of the relationship leading up to it are obviously key to any sort of reconcilliation. But, more importantly I am beginning to agree that what happens after is more important. I am not "waiting" for him to come back. Not sure if that is what is best. But, I am exploring and understanding ME and not "me and somebody else". A relationship with somebody else right now is ridiculous. Can't even imagine it. And yet, I get asked out all the time. Guess that is the divorce/crisis diet for ya! I just smile, and say thanks, but this isn't a good time. I mean, my goodness, I am a cautionary tale! Not someone to get involved with.<p>But, anyway, my xh keeps telling me how much he loves me. My priest said to tell him I am from Missouri (show me). We have a good relationship and co-parent very well. But, I don't know what the future holds. I am getting ok with me. If he gets okay with him - we may have a chance.

I have been divorced from my xWW for two years and I am now involved with another woman for close to a year. My xWW for the last 8 months has been trying to get back into my good graces with declarations of regret for her multiple A's and saying that I was 'the only man' she truly loves [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Unfortunately, for her, I have moved on and not even in my wildest dreams would I even consider the idea of getting back together with her because she is a sexual addict (btw she is in therapy) that needs plenty of time to conquer her personal demons before she can be anybody's companion for life.<p>I get the feeling that if the xWS does not have difficult issues to deal with (sexual,gambling,alcohol, drug abuse,etc) and is committed to following the MB principles, then there is a good chance that re-marriage might, I said might, work.<p>Joe

VERY interesting topic.

Wiffle, I watch for this topic to come up myself. I want to get back together with my ex also. Have been divorced since July/2000. Problem is, I'm 700 miles away from her and the kids. Way too much distance to start the process. And I mean from the very beginning. My communication style was more a factor in our marriage demise. I was terrible at it and wasn't going to fall for the MLC excuse. Well anyhow, I've stayed single. The EA with someone else has been over since Jan/2001. Now, I'm just trying to get relocated back to an area at least within a hundred miles of them so I can be at least back in the kids(we have three 18, 16, & 11) lives. She is seeing someone off and on and swears she doesn't love him and I believe her. I still love her and it really hurts to think about her with someone else considering I was the one that put us in the predicament in the first place. I would like to think I've learned how to communicate but, would never try to tell the ex that I know it all. I'm still taking in information anywhere I can find it. On this board, meetings with a really good pastor at our church, and monthly visits to a really good psychiatrist thru our company EAP. I miss her very much and should I get back closer to her and the kids, I would try to convince her to possibly undertake a MB week-end to find out if we can re-enrich or just find out for sure if we can communicate on a level that was lost years ago. Good luck to ya Wiffle. Continue to grow....

Hmmmm...the following thougths come to mind when considering a remarriage to my exh....<p>
When Hell freezes over...<p>When pigs fly...<p>Fool (i.e. cheat on) me once, shame on you, fool me twice...oh, wait, he did.<p>Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?<p>I don't think the woman he married 6 weeks after divorcing me would go for the idea...<p>Repeatedly slamming one's head against a brick wall hurts...<p>'nough said [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lisa

Some of us learn more slowly than others.....Unfortunately it's usually too late when we do.......<p>Mike

Lisa<p>so, if i interpret that correctly, there is still a chance?<p> [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>so, if i interpret that correctly, there is still a chance?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>That's what it sounds like to me. Based on what various people have said, hell must have already frozen over numerous times, and as for pigs flying...well, don't most airlines accept pet carriers?

For those of you who remarried your exspouse, could you explain the differences in feelings, or what feelings you have. Do you actually trust this person? Do you actually have the willpower to converse with this person everything you feel like you did before? For the BS do you feel rejected by the spouse still, or can't get the betrayal out of your head, or just letting it sit in the back of your brain, or have actually forgiven the WS?<p>Since we are in the first stages of filing divorce, SNL has been very cold, standoffish, and basically not caring about anyone in our family except for talking to our oldest daughter. I don't talk to our daughter much, because of issues she told me of talking with her dad. Daughter and I are at a horse show in Georgia. Therefore, I don't want to use her as bait, I want to be a mother to her. SNL seems to have used her to place his distress on her. She doens't need anymore distress. And my being here I think actually has not been positive. Been trying to have a good time, but can't get motivated. Life seems worthless.<p>Anyways, just asking anyone who remarried their exspouse and feelings. Thanks.