Sorry if this is long…. My wife of twelve years has asked me for a divorce. I do not want this, but am resigned to the fact that it is going to happen. We have been through allot. I used to post under the pregnancy board. She basically says she loves me but is not in love with me. That the divorce is for the better of the family. I am severely depressed and have been doing counseling since January for my anger and drinking problems. I feel as if I have failed as a husband and father in many ways. You see, four years ago my wife became pregnant by an OM, and I tried to accept the babies as my own and salvage the marriage. I guess it was too much a cross to bear and it affected me to the point that I drove my wife away with my attitude. We have five kids, 16 stepdaughter, 12 yo son 11 yo daughter and the twins which are 3 now. She says she is willing to take a paternity test to prove the twins are not mine so I won’t be responsible for child support for them, but I do not know. We are heavily in debt and most likely in order to get a fresh start will have to file chapter 7. I want to keep the house as the mortgage is in my name only, but the deed is in both our names. I was so depressed this morning after last nights discussion in front of the counselor that when I got up this morning I did not even speak to the wife or her parents which are also staying with us for another five days. There is not much hope I guess. I have been trying to do the plan a thing since January and it has not worked at all. I am scared and really nervous about what the future holds for me. She basically told me she wants to get on with her life. Part of me is relieved that we are at this point, because I have been struggling with the twins issue for years. I thought I could do it, but I guess I was wrong. I have the utmost respect for the people here on these boards and I have tried to use the advice given to my benefit. I have an appointment with a lawyer Monday and would appreciate any advice on what I should do next. I do not have a snowballs chance to get custody as the kids do not really like who I have become. I have not eaten in two days as my stomach is constantly turning. Thank you for reading.

bump

Hi,<p>If others are like me, they read this and thought... gosh, kind of waaaaay above my head, and so out of my league, so how can I help?<p>Does it help to know that I read this, and care?<p>I really don't have any advice... there's just SOOOOOO much going on in your life -- the pregnancy (that's way beyond anything I've had to deal with), the alcohol and rage... <p>Just know you're being heard today, HumbleOne.

Thanks for answering new beginning. I know I sound like I am rambling a bit but that is where my head is right now. I am saddened that I could not make the marriage work. I used to think I could do anything. I do not know what to make of all of this. As far as the rage (Mine) I have been dealing with the counselor and the STBX has noticed the changes I have made. Too little too late. Where and what am I to do now?

You know what you CAN do? You can begin to take care of YOU!!! In fact, for your sanity, you MUST. A side-effect *might* be that your wife sees the changes, perhaps even after the divorce, and you will end up together anyway. Wouldn't that be sweet???<p>TAKE CARE OF YOU... keep on keepin' on. YOU, and your CHILDREN, are WORTH IT!

Thanks New Beginning. I do not even know where to begin by working on me. I am soooo depressed and not sure really what to do. She told me that i would make someone a good husband, just not her. I have tried counseling since January, right after she told me that she wanted a divorce. Too late, I am thick headed and thought I could do it on my own. I am really scared about my future. I used to be such a go lucky kind of guy. This has definatley taken the wind out of my sails so to speak. All I have worked so hard for is about to be lost. She can totlly deistate me finacially if I have to pay CS for the twins. I am so bummed. Even my first born so at 12 does not care for me. I guess I really screwed it all up. I do not even know where to begin to start taking care of myself.

You are doing the right thing by seeing your counselor. <p>Make a plan with him/her and slowly begin to self-care.<p>Best wishes, and I really hope someone who's been through this will stop by and give you some saged advice.

Humbleone,

Don't have any answers for you unfortunately,

Thought I would check in on you to see how you are holding up.

I'm very sorry for your situation.

Wallace

Thanks Wallace,
Unfortunately things are not improving, The wife still told me as of last night that she plans on filing soon. She tells me that she wants to do whatever is best for the kids and not destroy me financially. I don't know what to believe. My plan "a" seemed to be to pushy from the wifes standpoint, she thinks I am kissing up way too much. Guess the flowers and poems were too much. Another LB occurred last night. I had told my tennant last week about her asking for a divorce and his son overheard the conversation (big mistake). Anyway, he proceeded to tell my kids on the school bus that we are getting a divorce. Mind you nothing was yet to be discussed with my kids about anything. in Addition the tennants kid told my kids that thier mother was sleeping around with the twenty three year old. This infuriated the wife as now she thinks that her name is slandered all over our little town. I never said that to my tennant but did express that she had feelings for the twenty three year old. I screwed up big time telling my tennant anything I guess. No cleaning up this one. The wife also told me that the reason tshe is not having sex with me is becasue her feeling are just not there for me in that way, but somehow she let me have a quicky today [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] . She told me that I have not been very attractive to her lately , too needy, crowding her too much and I need to give her space. What do you guys think about that? I guess I have not been very confident in myself lately seeing all that has been going on. It is hard to seem cheery and confident knowing that some time in the near future she is going to file on me. I aplogized to her for what happened to the kids, them finding out about a pending divorce and all. Dont' know what to do at this point in time. Any suggestions would be appreciated... Thanks

HumbleOne,

Well sometimes you can smother someone with too much love. I know some people might disagree with me on that.
As far as your plan A. goes keep working on it, but don't go overboard with it. Don't shut down on her either, everything in moderation.

In my case, I didn't work plan A well enough, wish I had it to do over again.

I would still work your plan A. I'm sure you can sense with your W when you might be over doing it a little.

Try to find some common ground on things that you could both enjoy doing that doesn't cost a lot of money. Something personal, but not too intimate. It might take her mind off of the divorce isssue, and turn it into a different direction.

You also need to get your self esteem back... do things that you enjoy, that your good at.

Are you still drinking? If so stop now...
Drink is not going to help you save your marriage.

I know when things are bad, and we have a lot of turmoil in our lives, we want to self medicate... drinking, drugs, etc... it will most likely hurt your marriage even more and your problems will not only still be there, they will probably get worse.

I know... been there... done that.

You have a tough situation going here.

I guess you need to ask yourself the question, what do I really want? Do I want my marriage? If so, then you need to start working on it.
My STBXW just had an abortion from an affair with OM, so I know how tough it is for you to get the babies she had by OM out of your mind.
But if you don't come to grips with what has happened, and accept what has happened and move past it, your marriage is doomed
It appears that you are at a crossroad... how bad do you want your marriage? Only you have the answer... If you want it bad enough, you will work through it in a positive mode, accept what has happened, and put your love and trust back into your marriage without smothering here.
You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hopefully you can make the decision that is right for you and your family.
It's overwhelming for you I know, and you probably want it to all end. But on the other hand, down deep you really want it to all work out. Correct me if I'm wrong.

If you want it to work out, then take baby steps, and move in the direction to put your plan A to good use, but don't smother her with it.

If you want it to end, which I sense that you really don't, then keep doing what you are doing, and I can just about guarantee you it will end.

I think you will hopefully make the decision to keep your marriage alive.

I know she say's she wants a divorce, that is typical when things are in turmoil... it's the easy solution to everybody's problems.

On a good note, she still is having sex with you, so there is still something going on there.

Hang in there.

Wallace

Wallace,
ya know deep down I am not really sure what I want anymore, I am really confused... I have been struggling for four years with the knowledge that her infidelity caused the birth of the twins. I was indeed self medicating and had allot of anger about the situation, which killed her love for me. She tells me she wants to do what is best for the kids. well I want that too, but I guess I am more afraid of the finacial ruin that a divorce would entail and the starting over factor. right now I am not even happy about coming home anymore. she has the kids turned against me. I do not know what ot believe anymore. As far as the drinking ...yes I have not had any since Wednesday the 8th. I just do not feellike the confident person I used to be. I am trying really hard to find that guy. Thanks for your insight.

HumblOne,<p>I know how you feel, I going through the same thing myself.<p>I'm not sure if I even want to put my marriage back together or not.<p>One day I do, the next day I don't.<p>Wallace