:confused<BR>My former husband and I agreed before the divorce that after the divorce we would work on reconciliation. (So, then why did he insist on the divorce in the first place?)<P>(We are in mid-life, so our children from earlier marriage are grown.)<P>Very attracted to his high energy, sense of humor and shared spiritual values, after 3 years of off-on high romance dating - we were married for a year - during which time I responded to the demanding and controlling part of his personality by intially being pouty and withdrawing for the first couple of months. So, he insisted on a divorce.<P>I know my method was inappropirate, I have been very sorry and have worked to learn to communicate in a positive way. Yet, in my sincere attempts to reconcile in the past 5 years of our divorce, he has repeatedly said, "No. Too Afraid to commit to you, again." (Although disappointed, I couldn't blame him for that attitude.)<P>In the meantime, I met and dated (for 4 years) a very grounded, gentle man who (through role modeling) further helped me develop gentle, open communication skills. Everyone thinks he is the "nicest man" ever. And he is a very nice man.<P>So, when this kind and considerate man proposed, I hedged, explaining and still wondering if my former husband would eventually want to put our marriage back together. <P>My belief being "It is better, when possible, to put one (marriage) back together than to start a new one." (Even though I've also believed that if we ever got back together, that ... while he is a lot of fun .. marriage to him would not be especially easy and would require work.)<P>Well, finally, after several years of delaying, I told my former husband he needed to let me know within 2 days if he wanted to put the marriage back together. I did not hear from him; and, therefore, felt energized and guided to freely move forward with the nice, new man.<P>Well, now the wedding is only weeks away, pre-maritial counseling with our minister completed (he's also the minister of my former husband), and everything else ready to go ....That's when my former husband said "Wait, I realize I love you and want to be married to you, again."<P>He even met with our minister and told him the same thing. I thought our minister would repremand him or declare some decision-nudging for me. But he said it was up to me.<P>Now I'm agonizing. If the former husband's timing had not been so, so late, I would have reconcileled with little (if any) hesitation. But, for him to do so at this late stage (after I have clearly quit waiting and made other plans) doesn't feel clear cut at all. <P>Help. I need some input and insight for clarity and peace about his.<BR>Thank you.<BR>Fatiqued and<BR>WantWhat'sRight

You have a good opportunity. Go for it!

<BR>I'm sorry if I come across in a negative light but...yuck! I feel sorry for the new fella who wants to be with you, he's about to be crushed.On the otherhand he obviously knows about your ties with the ex and it doesnt seem to bother him...I understand the history with your ex. My first thought was...ahaa the ex H doesnt want anyone else to have her. He could very well divorce you again in 6 months. Which gentleman is better in bringing out your best. IMO, I dont think you should be marrying the new guy if you still so confused about the ex.<BR>good luck,<BR>ruby

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ruby:<BR><B> <BR>I'm sorry if I come across in a negative light but...yuck! I feel sorry for the new fella who wants to be with you, he's about to be crushed.On the otherhand he obviously knows about your ties with the ex and it doesnt seem to bother him...I understand the history with your ex. My first thought was...ahaa the ex H doesnt want anyone else to have her. He could very well divorce you again in 6 months. Which gentleman is better in bringing out your best. IMO, I dont think you should be marrying the new guy if you still so confused about the ex.<BR>good luck <BR>ruby</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>

Ruby,<BR>I discovered this great site today(and still trying to learn to use it).<P>Yes, everyone (including me) feels for the new one. He's non-demanding, polite and appears more vulnerable than former H.<P>Thank you for your nice input of thoughts and feelings and good question: Which brings out the best? The personality of the gentle, slower moving one encourages calm and less stress. The high-energy personality of the visual, on-the-go, more social one is a bit stressful but generates enthusiasm! Example: I faux painted a wall. The "nice" one didn't notice even when I pointed him toward it. The high-maintenance one noticed before I mentioned it and enthusiastically pointed out other touches to try.<BR>And the former makes me Laugh! (Also cry - when he gets bossy and controlling.)<P>The new man's work is so demanding that he has had little time to learn how to play. No great "highs" with him - but no "lows" either.<P>So, there's are pluses and minuses in each. <sigh><BR>Again, thanks for taking time to help.<BR>(Oh, what does IMO mean? I'm learning.)<BR> <BR>

Hi WWR-<P>IMO means In My Opinion. Sometimes people put IMHO which means In My Humble Opinion. <P>About your post - hmmm. I think Ruby has a really good point - why is it your H wants you back so badly now? It really might be that he just doesn't want anyone else to have you. And, it might be that in six months you and he divorce again. <P>You mentioned that there are some things you really enjoy about your ex-H's personality; but some you prefer about the others. It sounds to me what you might really be responding to isn't personality traits but each man's ability to meet different emotional needs you have. (you can read about emotional needs and the importance of the love bank on the non-forum part of this website, under Basic Concepts). Whichever man you marry, he will have to learn to meet all of your most important emotional needs to make you happy, as you will need to do for him to ensure his happiness. <P>I'm sorry to not be more helpful, but I'm not sure which man you should go with. You have reasons to pick each one, which I know is why this decision is so difficult for you. Regardless of which man you marry (or re-marry) one thing I think is clear is that you should have no further contact - absolutely none - with the other man. Since whomever is the "other" could possibly meets some needs of yours, the potential for an affair could be high (I say this not to disparage you or your character but out of the knowledge that it is very difficult for anyone, no matter how morally strong, to resist someone who's meeting an emotional need). Dr. Harley, the founder of the website and author of the books upon which the forum is based, describes the link to the other as an "addiction". <P>No matter what you decide, look around the website, there is so much information here that will help you build a strong relationship with whichever man you choose.<P>Good luck!

Dear Young Glove,<P>You give sound, wise advice. I can tell you have been a serious student.<P>I'm grateful for your reminders of "most important" emotional needs of my own and his(whomever I choose/decide to go/be with).<P>They live in the same neighborhood (only a block from each other)... and, you're right .. it has been very difficult to go over to the recent one's house alone (cause he's almost always at work) and see the former H out walking or jogging or on his way to a neighborhood restaurant (sometimes with a girl. (Or at church, too!) <P>Oh, you have given me some excellent food for thought. I'm very grateful for your input. Thank you. (Thanks for the explanation of IMO or IMHO, too!) Best to you. WWR

Dear WWR,<P>I'm not sure exactly why you are so conflicted about this. You obviously have some religious/spiritual aspect to your life. From your post I will assume that you are of the Christian faith and protestant not Catholic. Are you worried that if you marry Mr. Wonderful when your ex is now seeking reconciliation it will be a sin? Remember it was your ex who insisted on the divorce. In my view you have persued reconciliation offering both energy and time for this to take place and your ex did nada. So re-marrying now IMHO would not be a sin or wrong. <P>If the "sin" aspect isn't what is troubling you, you need to remind yourself what is was like being married to your ex. Sounds like this 11th hour demand is just another attempt to control you. <P>Unless your current fiance is a Dr. Jeckle and Mr Hyde personality marry this man!<P>Oh and by the way after you do get married (if not before) move away from your ex. Out of the neighborhood would be good, out of town would be better and out of state would be best for your new marriage.

I think you should stop wedding plans and take time to figure out what you really want.<P>Maybe neither of them is really right, if you can see so many pros/cons...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Well, finally, after several years of delaying, I told my former husband he needed to let me know within 2 days if he wanted to put the marriage back together.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is not the reaction of someone who is really in-love and ready to marry, IMHO.<P>There really is no rush..the wedding being weeks away is NOT set in stone. Take your time and be sure of what you are doing...<P>Best wishes,<BR>Kathi

Dear Mudder,<P>Thanks. Yes, the Spiritual aspect is certainly a factor. What an inspiration of hope a good re-marriage could be for other men and women. You have a point about my trying and/or waiting investing adequate time and energy. (And he was somewhat angry and aloof during that time.)<P>Realizing that all opportunities are about to end is scary. He, no doubt, is not thilled with the thought of closing the door forever. And I understand those feelings. <P>From the thoughtful advice I've been getting, I'm beginning to realize the seriousness of problems lingering or arising when there is so much contact with a former.<P>Thank you for your consideration and for taking time to share. This has been very thought provoking! <BR>Gratitude,<BR>WWR<P>

WantWhat'sRight - I agree with Younglove that each man is meeting certain emotional needs, but neither is meeting all of them. So I think you need to ask yourself which one is more likely to learn (and WANT to learn) to meet all of your needs. As well as which one's needs you think YOU could meet. I also wonder if the demanding and controlling part of your ex-husband is showing again in that he has held out on a decision about reconciling with you until the eve of your wedding . . . seems like a move to control you. Best wishes, whatever you decide.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jamie2:<BR><B>WantWhat'sRight - I agree with Younglove that each man is meeting certain emotional needs, but neither is meeting all of them. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just a reality check here folks. I think it is rare (IMHO) that anyone person will meet all of our emotional needs. I think that is why Dr. Harley has us rate our emotional need in order of importance. You will likely wait your whole life if you looking for someone to meet them all.<P>

Mudder, you have a good point. I agree no one can meet all of your emotional needs, but what I'm talking about are the ones you rank most important to you. My personal opinion is that it is possible to find someone who can, or is willing to learn how and try hard to, meet all of those most important needs. If you're attracted to two people at one time and can't decide between them, probably they are each meeting some of your most important needs. Maybe what WWR should try to do is decide at this point which person is meeting the most important of her needs, but also which person is most likely to want to learn to meet the other needs too. I have a feeling it's the nice man she is engaged to, not the demanding and controlling ex she described. My opinion only, for what it's worth.

Dear Mudder,<P><BR>Thank you for the energy you have put into this situation today and for being sensitive and interested. <P>I don't think anyone is implying that another human being can meet all the needs of another person. (And have never known of a child even who got every need met by 2 loving parents.) <P>But, I'm making a list of emotional needs and ranking them. (A good exercise for all of us.) The tough part is predicting whether or not a "significnt other" will consider efforts (to meet his emotional needs) are adequate.<P>Thanks.<BR>WWR<BR>p.s. Today we cancelled the wedding "for a couple of weeks."

Jamie2<P>Thank you, too, for getting the ball rolling on this topic of determining the most important needs. Your formula sounds good and I'm encouraged to try it. (However, I wonder, bottom line, if most people just go with The One who makes the heart go "pitty-pat." And hope and work for the best. Taking a risk - no matter who he is.)<P>I appreciate your input very much.<BR>WWR