I am eliciting opinions regarding my current situation, My wife is still non-commital towards working on the marriage. She basically told me we were getting a divorce. The wife and I are still living in the same house and even last night she held me while we were sleeping. She still tells me she loves me , but only after I say it first. I told her last night I have a plan, she did not seem receptive to hear it at first but, I told her that I was going to show her how much her and the family means to me. Basically I told her that I was going to court her. She has told me that she wants to be happy and has not been for a long time. She also gave me the Love but not in love line, even in front of the counselor. I figure I do not have much time to do the Plan A. we stopped having relations too, but she will give me a peck when I ask for one. What can I do to make things better, it is hard to appear happy when my stomach is in knots. I have already lost about 6 lbs, because I cannot eat. It is like I want her to tell me she is going to give us a chance but it won’t happen, at least not now. If she is telling me she loves me, holding me at night and will give me hugs, is there any hope that I can salvage my marriage? Any advice would be appreciated.

any opinions?

Sorry to hear about your situation....as you can tell we all have similiar problems.......<p>Of course there is still hope. However, you need to realize that changes will not happen over night. This can be a long and painful process. I remember thinking the same thing. I was going to win her over again, by courting her. Easier said than done. Once these feelings arise, It is hard to overcome. She may feel you are smothering her. I have been in your shoes. I have learned you need to find a balance. You need to continue on with your life at the same time let your wife know you love her. You can not control whether she is going to want to stay with you. At times I was consumed (and still get consumed), about figuring out what I could do to "FIX" the problem. You alone can not fix the problem. It takes two of you to commit to making changes. However, you can try to be a good person and be happy with yourself. She may like what she sees. If not, and it doesn't work out, you will at least know you tried and in time you will be happy with yourself and the changes you have made personally. <p>Be patient, find a way to ease your tension. I know how uptight you can become. I live to hear those words from my wife, I love you. I still hear those, but for whatever reason I am not sure she is ready for another relationship with me. I think she wants to have her freedom to do as she wishes, but keeping me there for support. I am trying to be patient and trying to give her space. However, I want more than that. I am not sure how long I will be able to wait. I hope long enough.<p>Be strong and good luck...........

Thanks Hurting,
You pretty much nailed my feelings to a "T". I am an engineer and my primal instincts are to have an immediate fix. I am aware that it has taken a long time ot change her feelings about me to this point, and pray daily that I can make this right. I am deeply depresssed and cannot eat, much less think rationally. i guess yu are right that I have been pushing herr a little, but it is soooo hard not to. Even last night as much as I wanted to make love to her she said not to push. That I have most likely been smothering her since her feelings are the way they are. I understand that I cannot control her staying with me, but i want so badly to change myself. You see I have been unhappy for a long time. to make it breif moved east in 97. by mid 98 the wife and kids went back to the west coast to live because there were problems living at my fathers house while I was developing the property. While there he became pregnant with twins by an OM. I did not know until she returned in 98. I decided to keep the family together. 2000 my mother passed. 2001 my father passed. and 2002 she wants a divorce. I feel as if the last four years have been hell. I am not the same happy go lucky guy I used to be, and she even told me that I am not the same man she married. I don't know..I am sooo confused. Part of me is relieved but scared at the prospect of divorce and what costs it entails. I have been going to counseling , mostly alone, and am on prozac and Zyxpren for my stability. I do not even know how to find balance at this point. I appreciate your advice.

HO, I think most all of us have been where you are, it a very difficult time, for that I am sorry . I am a EE, I don't think engineers do Plan A or Plan B very well, we need to look at this logically and fix things, well that doesn't work here. Be sure you read and learn everything you can. I suggest His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. The biggest think is to back off, give her space, let he come back to you, the more you push the more she will move away. Are you familiar with Plan A? You need to spend this time working on you, try not to worry about things you cannot control, you can only control you so make the best you there is. Others will give more information, Fridays are very slow here so check back. Remember to try to give her space, be happy even though you may not feel happy right now, you want to become a better, more attractive, happier person. This will make you more appealing to her, change for youself but she will notice the improvement in time. Good luck keep reading and working on a Plan.
Dave

Thanks Dave,
I guess the hardest thing will be to give her space. I am definately in the needy mode now. As far as her having space she went off for training for her new job last month and when she got back she hit me up about the divorce. I guess i cannot control what she is going to do, it is just that all that we have been through I figure I deserve a fleeting chance. maybe not. I hav an initial consultation with an attorney on Monday as all of my close aquaintances have advised me to get some answers to my legal rights. i do not want this divorce but if it is her will I guess I need to protect my interests.

HumbleOne (& Davepr) &#8211; too funny regarding you engineer-types. I&#8217;m an architect who works for Civ-Eng&#8217;s in management!!!!!!
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Now I do appreciate an engineer&#8217;s linear, nicely-tied-up-in-a-box <w/ standard issue bow> problem solving and rational thinking, but . . . . .well if life was just a puzzle to solve we&#8217;d all be better off &#8211; right? <p>But seriously HumbleOne, very sorry to hear about your pain and difficulty. I agree w/ everything posted so far, you can&#8217;t make your W do something she won&#8217;t. It may just take time. Although, you may need to prepare yourself for her never getting to where you want to go. Currently you are still meeting some of her emotional needs &#8211; setting yourself up to ride a confusing roller coaster. Maybe a strict Plan B is in order, but that will be very tough if you are still living together and seeing each other constantly. If in Plan B you give her more freedom, (and don&#8217;t enable her by giving in to her emotional needs), she may come to understand how much she will lose if you do D and greatly appreciate all you have to offer. <p>Keep going to counseling, even if only by yourself. Keep lurking and posting on the MB site &#8211; you won&#8217;t find the cure-all &#8220;fix&#8221; for your ailing M, but you will find great help and insight. Please do take care of yourself &#8211; life is beautiful &#8211; it is the best game in town (and we always need another great engineer). [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] > Karl

Thanks Karl,
Funny my counselors name is Karl. The unfortunate reality is last Wednesday while in MC my W told me in front of the counselor it is over and that I am in denial. Heck yes I am in denial. I don't want my marriage to end. I think I am going to try to be as upbeat as possible around her and see what results culminate. As for now her parents have been staying with us for the last two weeks and it make it difficult to have us time. Man, I wish I followed the advice of this BB long ago. I just hope it is not too little too late.

H-One, I hear you loud & clear. I&#8217;m also in the same place. I don&#8217;t want to get D and I haven&#8217;t yet been convinced it is the right course. Don&#8217;t know all of your specifics, but I haven&#8217;t sensed your W has given you any hard <or real> reasons to get a D. <p>I&#8217;ve asked my W for specific reasons why we should get a D, and it is the same as you&#8217;ve heard elsewhere here on MB &#8211; &#8220;love you lots, but not in love w/ you&#8221; and &#8220;got to move on, stop the hurting&#8221; etc. Incredibly frustrating! <p>Don&#8217;t beat yourself up about &#8220;what-if&#8221; or &#8220;should have done.&#8221; Learn from the past but look to the future, with or without your W. We <BS especially> will be stronger in the future for having gone through these events. Take care > Karl

Humble One, one of the most valuable lessions to learn is to not believe everything your WS will say to you when she is in the Fog. She will speak in absolute negatives to you to justify what she is doing. My WS has told me many, many times that it is over, we are gettting a d, i love you but I am not in love with you, blah, blah, blah. We have all heard the same things, let it bounce right off you. Today my WS tells me that if she can get through her anger she wants to work on the marriage, see my signatue line, I have seen and heard it all by now. It is a very long process, I have been at this about 9-10 months now and many here have been at it a much longer time than me.
Do you have any evidence of an A? Not that is it going to matter too much, remember only the things that you can control. My suggestion is to give her
the space she needs, do NOT be needy around her, and do a good Plan A for as long as resonable possible, atleast while you are both in the house together, that will make for a better Plan B if it comes to that. Take the ENs survery that is on this site from her perspective, try to understand what ENs of hers you were not meeting and then try to meet them and keep working on yourself. Most A or breakups happen because the ENs of the other person were not being met, I know in my case I did a bad job of meeting my WS ENs, I was too concerned with work and how perfect my lawn looked, my priorities were all out of wack. It took me some time to admit that to my self, I created an atmosphere that made it easier for her to have the A. Not saying that I am responsible for her having the A, she had choices and she made the wrong one.
Take care,
Dave

Ok, guys. Move over. Time for a woman here.<p>I am qualified - I/m the card-carrying BS of an EE.<p>Yeah, you guys want a fix. I'm not going farther with that stuff.<p>Have you looked at the personality differences between you and your wives. Try this link. www.personalitypage.com<p>WhenIfindthetime swears by this MBTI stuff and it might help you. He has preached it to many of us old-timers here and a lot of it - more than you would believe - hits pretty close to the mark. <p>Here are some things you might learn:
- How does the woman tick?
- How do you tick?
- How better to reach her?

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>