(I just posted this to my other thread about OW coming for a holiday, but I thought it would be a good idea to put it in its own thread too, in case anyone missed it):<p>This stuff just goes on and on...........
A couple of months ago I had a friend check whether the OW was still at her job in South Africa.......guess what, she left at the end of January, fitting in nicely with stbx's return from Australia, so she could travel back to Mozambique with him.........this is what I assumed at the time, no real proof. I am sooooooooo glad I did this checking today. I have had a couple of months to get used to the idea that they are living together.<p>Well tonight he sends me an email with the "from" section listing OW and stbx.....this is his way of telling me (lol I feel like writing to him saying "So you thought I hadn't worked that out?????". He has always thought I was stupid.......I have found out many things easily because of HIS stupidity, and a lot of it I thought was in my head. That is how he trained me, you see.......I was talking BS all those years, when in reality I was right on the button. Head up his a**?????? It is so far up there he has to stick a toothbrush down his throat to clean his teeth !!!!!!!!!!!<p>Tell me WHY he could not write to me and say these things instead of dropping bombs like he does? For God's sake he only told me for sure they were an item a few days ago. Mind you I knew all along, right from the start, and he kept denying.<p>So now OW has her claws in well and truly, and these little messages to let me know what is going on most definetly are from her putting her foot down. TELL her stbx!!!!! SHe NEEDS to know!!!!!!!!! So an LB in my opinion, because he WILL feel guilt over all this. I know he has NOT told me because he doesn't want to hurt me......<p>And what have I done about these emails? No reply to the second, and when I wrote to the first......as shown above, I did not refer to her. STEVE HARLEY............get over here and praise me!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't LB, didn't react (which I would LOVE to do). Instead I come here and tell you guys.<p>I have struggled with MB for a few months now. I still believe Plan A and B enables people such as my stbx. BUT, all said and done, it has allowed me to take the high road (thanks Bill) and not ever have a finger pointed at ME for the demise of this marriage.<p>I am feeling pretty good about myself. I read his email tonight, and all I could think was "What a gutless wonder!!!!!" (Aussie saying!) Letting me know such significant news with a FROM box. From me ther were no tears, no nothing. Not even anger. Just a measure of disgust that he has turned out this way.<p>It is a weird thing. When he wrote about bringing her here for a hloiday, blah blah, I was numb. I was waiting for the tears and the hurt. It didn't come. Instead came a realisation that I had already moved on, but I hadn't know it. What I mistook for numbness turned out to be indifference to him and his life. Instead of anger, I am now shaking my head as to why such an intelligent man has regressed to this selfish, unthinking idiot who is so smitten that he will turn his back on his kids. It is HIS loss. I am the one who gets the love each and every day from our babies, and even if he isn't here.......well I am okay. I have survived.<p>Tomorrow is a busy day for me. I am going to do the paperwork I have been putting off, for the settlement and also ask the lawyer to file on him.
I never, EVER thought I would do that, but I find it is now necessary for me to give him the message that enough is enough. My self respect DEMANDS that I divorce HIM.<p>All the MB in the world would not have turned my stbx's head my way again, for his OW is an expert on Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) a known form of brainwashing. Well she got what she wanted, and in a way, so did I. I am happier today with MYSELF than I ever was in that marriage.......let her live with his crap now.<p>Oh, I know that sounds angry, but I really do not feel that bad........resignation has settled in. Maybe I will go for the guy at the gas station who has been giving me lots of attention......or whatever. I am free of him within myself now...........and so I have found closure. He has shown me that he is a fool.........sad to say, but it is true, and I have to go on. I do not want him in my life anymore, and I haven't for some months. What has happened has just strengthened that resolve in me.<p>Thanks for the support everyone.......<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I still believe Plan A and B enables people such as my stbx.<hr></blockquote><p>I think that is correct. I believe that the whole premise behind Plan A is untrue - these affairs occur not because of "unmet needs," not because of defects in the BS, but because of depression and weakness in the WS. These WS's are not capable of making decisions on their own - I do not believe that they even have a personality of their own. They merely take on the personality of the person that they are with. When my H was home, he left most of the routine decision-making to me, whether I wanted to or not. Now the decisions are being made entirely by the OW. Plan A does not demonstrate what a wonderful person you are - it merely allows the OW to run the show.

Hi Jacky,<p>I really like your thread title. The Beginning is a difficult place to get to. I think acceptance or resignation may be a part of plans here. I don't know, maybe why the Harleys even provide a D/D forum at an MB site. Like you I resigned to or accepted the facts of my situation. Like you, I had to go on. What is the opposite of that I wonder? <p>We could blow our brains out, or blow his brains out (nobody gets him), and spend the rest of our lives in prison. We could sit in a catatonic stupor in an asylum. We could spend the rest of our days waiting out "the affair" even if our spouses marry the OW. We could avoid a divorce on paper for as long as possible, maybe years, and consider ourselves in a marital limbo. There are as many ways to handle this as there are infidels.<p>While many of the people here make every effort they can to save a marriage, some of us can't or don't want to. Plan A or B was impossible for me as well. My H did not have an MB type of affair, that is EA to PA with confusion/soulmate dillusions. He DECIDED to leave the marriage and went out on the internet to find my replacement through singles groups. He found insta-woman who was ready to live together after 3 weeks as if they were married. My existence was inconsequential to her, and once she was found, to him as well. She didn't have to manipulate or control in any way like most OWs. He gave her all the confidence she needed in that I was banished. Our life, home, family, and friends - all banished. <p>There was no time to make changes in myself, avoid LBs, or let him know his mistake could be forgiven and he could still have his home and marriage with me. The only word I can find for it is "exit affair". The Harley method chooses not to define affair types like this.<p>I was a screaming, raging maniac when I found out - normal I think. But for all intents I was Plan B'd by my H. He told me it was over and discussed nothing about the relationship. He refused to engage in any talk other than division of property and divorce proceedings. He married the OW a few months later.<p>Since I have two marriages ended by infidels I have to wonder what the heck is it about me? I am just a regular, faulty person. I didn't live in a sexless marriage, with no recreation, no coversation. Heck, I don't have kids, so I couldn't be guilty of mommy syndrome. So, I am going to agree that some people exit a marriage in the most f'd up way. Maybe they are depressed or in MLC,on drugs, NLP victims, whatever. They are gone and NOT coming back and they don't care who it hurts. <p>The infidels are screwed up, not us. Not us for seeking marital help and finding there is none under certain conditions.<p>I hope it's okay to say enough is enough here at MB. I sure did. I DO NOT want either WS back, EVER. I do not want a "recovered" marriage because infidelity is something I can't live or love with. I am NOT good hearted like some people here and wish XH's the best. Actually, I hope they both have miserable lives<p>I am here now to say I survived this horror, if I can do it, anyone can. I am here because I respect the Harley principles and what they can do for a HEALTHY marriage. I plan to attend an MB seminar in San Francisco in the fall. <p>You go for it Jacky. Your happiness and life do not depend on this one screwed up person. Your children's lives do not depend on him. He is the fool. It just takes a while and hard work to get to this mental place and really know it and feel it. <p>Reagrds,
IS