Posted this on General Questions and didn't get much feedback. As an update, I gave WW a gift cert. to a restaurant for M Day and asked that she take the kids without OM. Of course, she took OM anyway. I guess I should have known better. Also have our annual trip to FL coming up 6/6 and she told me she won't come with even as friends, because it would be too difficult emotionally for her. I told her that if she doesn't feel anything for me, it shouldn't hurt her to come with and it would mean a lot to the kids. Well, I guess it's up to me to handle the trip alone and to fork over the huge expense of paying for it, unless I cancel it...which I don't feel is fair to the kids. <p>Without getting into our whole history, which I've discussed in previous posts, here's a quick summary. Me 40, W 37, S 9, D 13, M 18+ yrs, together over 22 yrs. WW informed me on 1/12/02 she loved me, I was her best friend but wasn't in love with me anymore. Found out later that day there was an OM. She moved out 2/2 and filed for DV at the end of March and DV could be final at end of July. She's also planning on building a house with the OM soon.<p>During our M, W never complained about being unhappy with me. All I ever heard was how much she loved me and how I was the best husband & father ever going. Now I'm hearing stories ranging from I never loved you, I've loved you up until a couple years ago, I hate that you were a picky eater, I hate that you're too introverted, I never wanted to marry you to begin with, etc...<p>She spends all her time with the OM and we share custody of the kids 50/50, although my D can't stand OM and tries to be at my place as much as possible to stay away from him. I think the hardest thing for me is that she's trying to make it like they are a family of 4 and she's not even DV'd yet.<p>My W tells me she should have left me yrs. ago and that it's just bad timing she waited for OM to come along. She said she never told me she was unhappy because she doesn't like confrontation (yet she's a very confrontational person with nearly everyone and always has been). She said if OM leaves tomorrow, it won't bother her and she still wouldn't ever want to come back to me. She says she doesn't love me like a W should love their H and we can't make the M work under any conditions. She said she won't try counseling because she doesn't want to get feelings of love back for me. In short, nobody could be more clear in the fact they will never want to make the M work. Is this unusual or is it normal "fog" talk? She does say she wants to be my friend though.

Hi DJW, your issues are so identical to mine my wife said also as yours:<p>quote:
"She said she never told me she was unhappy because she doesn't like confrontation (yet she's a very confrontational person with nearly everyone and always has been). She said if OM leaves tomorrow, it won't bother her and she still wouldn't ever want to come back to me. She says she doesn't love me like a W should love their H and we can't make the M work under any conditions.<p>
This very day if I try to have a normal low tone discussion, she calls that arguing and gets defensive real quick at the drop of a hat. I think the guilt plays a major role with their quick temper. Even before affairs, she avoided confrontation of discussing important issues. <p>I think part of it was because she saw me as a father figure even though we're close to the same age. I grew and matured she remained the little girl, thats whats she displaying now about 15 years old.<p>Its so amazing when some strange bozo meets the "one" of seven emotional needs of WW off they go in la,la land.<p>One thing she did say 1 week ago by accident, she said " I know I have hurt you, but you don't know how I have cried in anguish to other people and discussed it and your feelings"... I said what did you say?? she said "oh nothing" then dropped it....
It was like she been saying this in her mind and it slipped out and she caught herself, it was like she had argued with me in her mind over the months and something surpressed came out, and she didn't know it and caught herself ...
I didn't take as manipulation as before, I think she told on herself.....anyway hang in there.

djw,
It is purely "fog." My x said almost exactly the same thing. You can't take it personally, the ws has to justify what they are doing, as deep down the know what they are doing is wrong.<p>We went to 3 different counselors, but lasted no more than 3 visit with any of them. My x just came out angry, that this was all too late, that I should have done this years ago.<p>She too said she was going leave, but om just happened to come along.<p>djw, you can't be worrying about what she says and does as you have NO control over what she says or does. All you can do iis take care of YOU.<p>Hang in!
Bob

Thanks for the feedback. I try not to focus on what she says or does but some days I'm more successful at that than on other days.

Well, tonight I went to my son's baseball practice and who is sitting there together but my WW and the OM. I was just steaming at first but I thought, okay it's time to handle this differently. I went and sat down along side of them and acted as if it didn't bother me in the least. I still don't see how they can go out in public together like that when we're not even DV'd yet but they act as if they're the married ones. I just can't see them ever getting sick of each other and the A ending but I sure hope it happens.

djw,
It won't last, it almost never does. My x acted exactly the same way. She and om would sit together at the kids stuff and she would hang all over him.<p>Where did that get her???? Nowhere, she had "fun" for 3 years, and no she is alone and heartbroken.<p>Just hang in and bide your time. Why not ask her for money for the vacation since it is for the kids too? I never hesitate to ask for money when it involves the kids.<p>Bob

Djw, I feel for you, I have to go to fl next week for d graduation, my now XW was trying to parade OM in front of me, however now that my sister will be there my wifes ashamed and trying to avoid my sister whom they are/were best friends, XW has to sober up for a few days now from OM, she knows my sister don't play that stuff and will speak out so XW is very uneasy right now, she don't know what to expect, she already knows my sister was against the DV and they haven't talk in 9 months because of affairs.<p>Rwd is right, it won't last....your presence made a strong impact more than you know...its hard ....many times through affairs I never actually saw the guys but to read and to hear many conversations was devestating...<p>I remember in one conversation betwen W and OM I heard my wife cussing like a sailor, my mouth drop because I never heard my wife cuss in my married life, I said to myself what is going on with her? she's was a christian leader person at one point in our life too...I confronted her about it and she said she talks to them about porno as well...she said OH thats right you're a christian you don't do those things.....I said God created Sex for marriage and a h and W is free to express themselves between one another all they want, you don't bring strangers in those areas.....<p>Therefore this is where she plays the incompatibility card [ we're different now on ideas and thoughts and things, she uses we've changed now, etc...].<p>Anyway ws's deal with this everyday below when they left out of betrayal they wrestle daily and we see this here at this site so many times.<p>Hosea 2:7<p>And she shall follow after her lovers, but shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them and not find them:then shall she say, I will go and return to my first husband; for then was it better with me than now.

Just got a letter in the mail from the Judge that our divorce hearing is set for 11:00 a.m. on August 21. Guess that's how long I've got for her to come out of the fog before it's over. Can't see anything changing by then but I guess there's always a chance. I'm actually in a really good frame of mind and am happy with how my life is going. I'd still love for her to come back, as long as she's willing to make the changes that would be necessary for our marriage to flourish...but if it doesn't happen, I think I'm ready to move on without her.